


Many Faces of Me

by a_bit_of_foolish_hope



Series: Many Faces of Me [1]
Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Gen, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Non-graphic trauma flashbacks, Unsupportive family, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-10-11 11:38:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 49,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10464063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_bit_of_foolish_hope/pseuds/a_bit_of_foolish_hope
Summary: Link gets diagnosed with DID. As he struggles to come to terms with this and all its implications, Rhett and Link's alters work together to make Link's adjustment easier.





	1. The Man with Many Names

 

The signs came slowly at first. Christy referring to conversations he didn’t recall. Driving to work and ending up at the mall without remembering the trip in between. It wasn’t until Thanksgiving that these episodes became impossible to ignore. Link had woken up on the couch to the smoke alarm screaming and the turkey black as charcoal in the oven. He had angrily asked Christy how she could have possibly forgotten the turkey in the oven and Christy shot back in astonishment that he was absolutely not allowed to insult her cooking skills, ban her from the kitchen all day, and then blame her when dinner got burnt.  It was then that they decided Link needed to see a doctor.

After a few assessments, the diagnosis came back. Dissociative Identity Disorder. Link stared at the paper in his hands and the three little letters, DID, stared back at him. This didn’t make any sense. Sure Link could be a little forgetful sometimes but that was just a part of who he was. This was something only crazy people had. And didn’t it come from childhood abuse? He hadn’t experienced anything like that. He’d lived a normal childhood. He remembered his life with fantastic clarity. There absolutely had to be something wrong. Despite these numerous objections, a trauma specialist was recommended and therapy began three weeks later.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Mary Fields was a kind woman with softly curled hair and gentle eyes. Her voice was quiet yet authoritative in the way one would expect to hear as a mother guided her child. Her demeanor put some of Link’s anxieties at ease but as he settled into their first meeting, his defenses were still high.

“I don’t need to be here,” Link said cooly as he sat on a white, pillow covered couch and avoided eye contact. Mary sat across from him in a plush armchair. To her left was a rocking chair with a brown teddybear placed on the seat. He chose to look at the bear.

“I can tell that you don’t feel comfortable, but that’s perfectly normal,” Mary assured him. “I just want you to know that our sessions together can be whatever you need them to be. If you want to talk about the stresses of work or family life we can do that.”

Link chuckled bitterly. “Talking about family would open quite a can of worms, wouldn’t it?”

“How so?”

“Christy is worried about me,” Link informed the bear. “Sort of. No…I think she’s more worried about herself. And the kids. She doesn’t want me to come home covered in blood and acting all confused about it got there.”

“Have you hurt anyone before?”

“I incinerated a turkey.”

“Link, how familiar are you with DID?”

“I mean, I looked it up a bit. You get real messed up as a kid and then a bunch of people live in your head. Like Sybil.”

Mary paused, carefully piecing together what to say next.

“Not quite like Sybil,” she began slowly. “Not in most cases, at least. DID forms before the age of six. When a child experiences repeated traumatic events during this developmental stage, their brain fractures into different parts. All those parts are you. They aren’t other people. It’s just that instead of forming as one, uniform personality you have developed separate compartments in your mind where different parts of you live. What we try to accomplish first and foremost in therapy is cooperation within your system. You and your alters, those other pieces of you. Does that make sense?”

“No,” Link said frankly. He looked Mary in the eyes this time. “I’m almost forty. I’ve never had _alters_ before. No one ever told me I was acting like someone else. I don’t remember anything bad happening to me when I was a kid.”

“Well, you wouldn’t,” Mary explained. “One of the purpose of alters is to hold those traumatic memories and hide them from you. To protect you.”

“I’m not crazy.”

“No, you’re not. I would never suggest you were. You are a normal human being whose mind went through a normal defensive response. There’s nothing crazy about that.”

“Whatever.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Multiple personalities, huh? When do I get to meet them?” Rhett asked at lunch the next day. Link had been worried that he would be offended that he had waited almost a month to tell him about the diagnosis but Rhett was completely unfazed by any of it. He might as well have said “Hey, three weeks ago I got a puppy.”

“You’re not weirded out about this at all?”

“No way, man,” Rhett said, crunching down on a carrot stick. “It is what it is. You’re my best friend. Nothing’s going to change that.” He paused, looking thoughtful. “Except now I guess I have a bunch of best friends.”

Link was unimpressed.

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m sorry, buddy,” Rhett said, his voice empathetic. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean that I’m here for you no matter what. I don’t think any differently of you just because someone gave you a label. You’re Link Neal. That’s all that matters to me.”

Link couldn’t help but smile at his friend’s reassurances. He was still uncomfortable about the whole thing, but he could feel some of the frustration surrounding the subject melt away. He picked up his mug and swirled it, watching the water inside slosh along the inside of the cup. “Thanks, man. I can’t tell you what a relief it is that you’re treating this so…normally.”

“How else would I treat it?”

“Well,” contemplated Link, leaning back in his chair, “since it’s you I guess there really is no other way.” He laughed. Nothing was funny, he was just shocked at how comfortable Rhett could make him about literally anything. No matter the ups or downs, there was always Rhett. Sitting in the employee lounge sharing lunch and chatting together about this made everything seem less intimidating. The two continued to talk and the conversation naturally drifted to other topics: upcoming Good Mythical Morning concepts, the company New Year’s party, what to get their wives for Christmas. It almost seemed like everything was normal. After lunch, the two climbed into Rhett’s car and carpooled home. Link watched the LA traffic stall them on one side and zoom past them on the other. He blinked, and he was on the roof of his home. It was dark out. He turned around and looked through the window behind him. Christy was staring at him with tears in his eyes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“And what did Christy tell you after you came to?” Mary asked. She didn’t take as many notes as Link thought therapists were supposed to. She spent most of the time just listening. It made Link feel good.

“She said that I kept going on and on about how I wanted to get out of the house and away from everybody. I guess my accent came back which was the first thing that tripped her up.”

“Your accent?”

“I grew up in North Carolina,” Link explained.

“And so you went out on the roof?”

“Apparently. And I took my shirt off, too. I was freezing when I came back inside. It was like forty-five degrees out.”

“What else did Christy say?”

“That I called myself Larnold. That’s the main reason why she was crying. She said that she thought I was mad at her and just faking this whole multiple personality thing to hurt her.”

“Because you called yourself a different name?”

“No, because I called myself Larnold. He’s a character Rhett and I came up with for one of our shows. He’s fake.”

“It doesn’t sound like he’s fake.”

“He is though!” Link insisted. “He’s some hillbilly caricature written up for a Youtube video. Why would I call myself that?”

“Link,” Mary leaned forward slightly and rested her forearms on her knees. “Sometimes our alters communicate with us in subtle ways. The fact that they are surfacing so distinctly now is a good sign. It means your mind feels healthy enough to let them be known. It’s possible that before now, your alters more hidden presence manifested itself as creative inspiration.”

“That’s crazy, though.”

“It’s not,” Mary said, and then before he could ask his next question she answered it by saying, “and neither are you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Well why don’t you do some research on it?” Rhett asked. Link was exhausted. He and Christy had been up all night fighting about the roof episode. One thing he loved about their marriage was that they never went to bed without resolving major conflict, but last night that resulted in a bed time of three AM. To add insult to injury, his tired mind had prevented him from correctly answering six of the eight zoo facts on during that day’s Good Mythical Morning. That gave him the extra punishment of having to drink a “zoo food smoothie” consisting of the most unappetizing zoo diet ingredients for various animals. The one mouthful he attempted to drink had ended up in the trashcan but the taste still lingered in his mouth. He was in the employee bathroom brushing his teeth when Rhett, leaning against the next sink over, brought up the suggestion.

“What do you mean research?” Link asked, spitting toothpaste into the drain and continuing to brush.

“I’ve been reading up on DID—”

“Wait, you’ve been reading about this?” Link asked incredulously. His mouth was still half full of toothpaste and some dribbled out onto his chin as Link spoke. Rhett’s eyes glimmered with an amused grin and he pointed to his beard.

“You, uh, you got something there, buddy.”

Link quickly rinsed his face and toothbrush and gargled water. When he finished, Rhett continued where he left off.

“There’s these ways of communicating with alters,” Rhett said with a nonchalance that still seemed almost inappropriate to Link. “Some people have a special journal where alters write when they come out. Some people have each alter keep a video diary. That way you can become more aware of each other and work on becoming co-conscious.”

“Co-conscious?”

“It basically sounded like being able to see and hear everything that an alter is doing while they do it. So you don’t lose time. You can even get to the point where you can have internal meetings with your alters so you all work together better.”

“Woah, woah,” Link put his hand up between himself and Rhett. Rhett pulled his head back slightly, surprised by the gesture. “You’re talking about having a powwow with fake people in my head?”

“They’re not fake, Buddyroll.” Rhett’s voice was gentle. That soft, authoritative gentle that Mary mastered so completely. In therapy the tone was reassuring but coming from Rhett it felt degrading. He didn’t need to be consoled. He didn’t need to be lectured by someone who suddenly had an internet PhD in psychology. Rhett wasn’t his doctor. He wasn’t his parent. He was his friend. All this researched information felt like a slap in the face. Link knew how to take care of himself. He didn’t need Rhett to do it for him.

“What do you know?” Link barked. Rhett’s face looked shocked at the sudden burst of anger. “You don’t know what is happening to me. I don’t even know what is happening to me. I’m not some trauma victim. I’m not going to make a journal or…whatever! This is a phase. We’ve been working too hard, plus it’s the holidays. I’m stressed and it’s making me act weird. That’s it, ok?”

“…ok.” Rhett didn’t try to mask the hurt in his voice. He just looked at his friend in silence, his brow slightly furrowed in injured confusion. Link turned his head sharply away and firmly grabbed both sides of the sink with his hands, his head heavily drooping in front of the mirror. He didn't speak.

“Listen,” Rhett began cautiously, but Link didn’t let him finish. He stood slowly and looked at Rhett with a somber face. Not angry, just serious. His chin was tilted slightly upward in an uncharacteristically prideful pose. Rhett’s eyebrow raised as he waited for something to happen.

“Sorry about that,” Link said. His voice was slightly lower than normal. “Link is a sensitive man. You’ve known him long enough. I’m sure you understand.”

“Who…who am I talking too?”

“Seaborne. I’m very interested in what you have to say. I think maybe the two of us can help solve Link’s problem. Let’s go talk in the break room.”


	2. The Man with No Answers

Rhett looked at his friend. Well, the body of his friend. The person who was talking to him was unfamiliar. Rhett had spent over thirty years alongside this man, growing to know every quirk and gesture, the way he held himself, the inflection in his voice. Sitting at the table and watching Link not be Link was unnerving. Still, Rhett stayed calm.

“So you’re Seaborne? Like…like the detective character?” Rhett asked.

“I’m a little bit smarter than you wrote him, though,” Seaborne replied with a wink. “And technically I existed first.”

“How long?” Rhett didn’t know if this was an appropriate question. If he was being honest, he didn’t know what an appropriate question even was in a situation like this. He decided to just carry on as if he was talking to a new person and not a fractured part of his best friend’s brain.

“Longer than you’ve known him. Most of us were around before you, in fact. A couple formed later but they never really got a chance to shine. I don’t even know them very well and I was the first. I know everybody.”

“How many is ‘everybody’?”

“Are you playing Roach or just more curious than usual?” Seaborne teased, referring to the character written for Rhett to be Seaborne’s partner.

“I mean, can you blame me?” Rhett asked a little louder than he intended. “This isn’t exactly something that happens every day.”

“You can ask more questions later,” Seaborne said, again avoiding Rhett’s inquiries. “I came out front because I think that we would make a good team. Link’s too fragile. He’s sweet, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not cut out to deal with this kind of stress.”

Rhett’s chest puffed up a bit. He would never let someone talk ill of Link, even if that someone was sharing Link’s body. The movement didn’t go unnoticed.

“See? That’s what I’m talking about when I say we’d make a good team. You’re loyal. You want him to be happy. Settle down, I’m not saying he’s no good, I’m just saying he needs support. I wouldn’t exist if he didn’t.”

“I suppose I can’t argue with that,” Rhett agreed hesitantly. “So what are you proposing?”

“I have a few tests I want to try. See if I can get him to hear me and the others. I’m certain that if I can just get him to listen…”

“What do you mean, hear you?”

Seaborne sighed and folded his hands in front of him on the table. “You sure do ask a lot of questions.”

Rhett raked his hand through his hair nervously and his gaze dropped to his lap. He was walking on eggshells. He wanted to help, but he also wanted to understand. It looked like right now he could only do one or the other.

“Ok,” Rhett said, raising his hands in surrender. “No more questions. I’ll just listen.”

“Good. Now, let’s get in the car.”

“Link drove us today. Are you…can you drive?”

Seaborne looked at Rhett sternly.

“Right. No questions.”

“Yes, I can drive, idiot. I’m a grown man just like you. Now come on.”

Rhett followed Seaborne to Link’s car and watched anxiously as Seaborne put the key in the ignition and headed toward the freeway. His driving was much more aggressive than Link’s. Normally Rhett found himself annoyed on how Link would passively stay in the slow lane or refuse to pass another car if he had to speed too much to do it. Now Rhett found himself gripping the legs of his jeans and trying not to audibly yelp as Seaborne cut people off way too close and swerved into gaps Rhett was certain the car wouldn’t fit into. After about twenty death defying minutes, Seaborne slammed to a stop in a supermarket parking lot. Rhett jerked forward with the breaks, grateful for the security of the seatbelt.

“We’re going shopping,” Rhett stated. It had almost come out as a question but he changed the inflection of his voice at the last minute to avoid breaking the rule again.

“Very well deducted,” replied Seaborne with a touch of sarcasm. “Now come on.”

Seaborne walked quickly through the aisles, obviously looking for something specific but unsure where to find it. Rhett followed silently, observing his every move. At one point Seaborne snatched a bottle of Gatorade off of a shelf but he didn’t stop for anything else. He just kept wandering up and down and up and down until finally…

“Here we are!” Seaborne declared.

“Dog treats?” Rhett raised and eyebrow.

“What did I say about—”

“Questions. Right.” Rhett raised his hands peacefully again. “So Link needs dog treats. Got it.”

“Link doesn’t need dog treats. He needs something to remind him of me. That something just happens to be dog treats.”

“Sounds right to me,” Rhett agreed, not knowing how else to respond. He eyed the Gatorade but said nothing. Silently, the two checked out and returned to the car. Before they got in, Seaborne handed the keys to Rhett.

“You’d better take the drivers seat,” he said. “Link might be a little shaken up and I don’t want him driving all upset. It’s dangerous.”

“Yes, we wouldn’t want Link to drive dangerously,” Rhett said, poorly attempting to mask his sarcasm.

“I don’t like your tone. Just get in the car.”

Rhett obeyed and cambered into the drivers seat. Link hated it when Rhett drove his car because he always adjusted the seat too far back. Link would have to deal. Rhett slid back the seat until his knees were at a comfortable angle just as Seaborne shut the passenger door.

“Alright, now you’re going to start driving and make sure I keep these dog biscuits in my lap. I’m going to drink this Gatorade.” There was a loaded pause where Seaborne silently dared Rhett to ask why. He didn’t. Seaborne nodded approvingly. “It’s easier to go back in if I’m not focusing on going back in. Menial tasks like, say, taking a drink, make the transition easier. Understand?”

“Sure.”

“So then drive.”

Rhett followed direction, occasionally sneaking a glance at Seaborne to see when he would start being Link again. After a few minutes, Seaborne opened the drink and raised it to his lips. There was a moment of silence and then…

“Rhett?”

“Link?”

“Yes, Link. Who else would I…why are you driving my car? How did we get to my car?” Realization washed over Link’s face. “It happened again, didn’t it?” he asked defeatedly.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t bad!” Rhett said, rushing to reassure. “It was good, actually. I met Seaborne and—”

“You met…? Seaborne? Jesus christ.” Link buried his face in his hands. It looked like he was about to cry. “How long was I gone?”

“No more than two hours. Tops.”

“Two hours??” Link’s head snapped up out of his hands and he turned to Rhett accusingly. “And you just let that happen?”

“Hey, man, there was no ‘letting’ anything happen. He came out, we talked. He really cares about you, you know. He wants to help you be able to communicate with the others.”

“Oh my god.” Links eyes rolled up in exasperation. “How many others?”

“He didn’t say. He wasn’t really fond of questions.”

“Just take me home, please.”

“Link, we’re in your car. Maybe you should drop me off?”

“I really don’t feel like driving, Rhett. Not if some…character is going to take over my body and drive off a cliff or something.”

“I don’t think it works that way.”

“How could you possibly know?” Link snapped sharply.

His words stung. Rhett tried to remind himself that Link was going through an experience that could never even pretend to understand, but that didn’t keep the accusing tone and curt remarks from hurting. Keeping both hands on the wheel, he focused intently on the road. Link sighed.

“Listen, man, I’m sorry,” Link offered, his voice soft. “This is just…it’s scary. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know what’s going to happen next at any moment. I don’t know when I’ll just vanish and stop being me. It’s like I’m in a dream jumping from place to place. Like I’m in a nightmare.”

Rhett shot Link an empathetic glance and Link looked down at his lap, finally noticing the box of dog treats that lay there.

“What are these?” Link asked. Rhett shrugged.

“Seaborne said it would help you remember him. I think he’s like…the one in charge or something. It sounded to me like if you can contact him you can contact the others.”

“Stop saying ‘contact’. It sounds like we’re talking about aliens.”

“Sorry. You know what I mean, though.”

“Yeah. Being able to hear them and talk to them would definitely feel better. At least maybe then I would have more control. But why dog biscuits?”

“I don’t know. He didn’t like questions, remember?”

“I never had a dog before. I was never a pet person until we got Jade.” Link studied every inch of the box as he spoke, as if some clue or code would make itself apparent.

“Maybe just let it stew? He really wanted to reach you. I’m sure if you just allow the idea to sit in your head and don’t think too hard about it something will come to you.”

“I guess.” Link looked up at Rhett. “How do you know so much?”

“I told you, man. I’ve been reading.”

Link nodded. A shadow of a grin appeared at the corner of his mouth.

“Rhett?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. I’m sorry I got mad before. And mad a second ago. I get it now and…well…just, thank you.”

“No problem, Buddyroll,” Rhett replied, smiling in turn. They spent the rest of the ride quiet, but for the first time today the quiet was peaceful.

Rhett pulled into Link’s driveway and looked over at his friend. “Should we just tell Christy that you’re feeling sick and that’s why you didn’t drive?”

“No,” Link shook his head. “The last thing I want to do right now is start lying to her. Things are tense enough as it is. This is almost as hard for her as it is for me.”

“Alright. You want me to come inside with you at least?”

“That might not be a bad idea.”

The two men clambered out of the car and up the front steps. Christy opened the door happily before Link could reach for the handle.

“Finally!” she chimed, smiling from ear to ear. “You boys sure worked late today. Rhett, since you’re here would you like to stay for dinner? Jessie and the boys can come, too, of course. Link…you bought dog treats?”

“Not tonight, Christy, but thanks for the invite,” Rhett replied. “I’m just dropping Link off and was wondering if you could give me a ride to my place. Link’s not really feeling well…”

He stopped short as Link gave him a cautionary look. _No lying._

“I switched again,” Link admitted quietly. “Seaborne bought dog treats. I don’t know why. And I don’t really feel safe driving right now. Are you ok taking Rhett home?”

“Oh…” Christy said, her smile fading. Her face went cold. Not angry or scared, but like she wished she could run away from the situation. Thankfully, Rhett had given her that option.

“Well, let’s get you home,” she said, a smile forced back onto her face. She went to step out the door, but then she paused. “Link, you’re going to be ok with the kids? On your own for a bit?”

“I’ll be fine with the kids, Christy,” Link said. The mixed pain and attempted understanding mirrored what Rhett had felt during their earlier conversation. Christy nodded, still seeming unsure, and took the keys from Rhett. Link didn’t wait to see them off and walked into the house before she even started the car. His kids ran to him, jubilating at his arrival. Jade, the little brown and black english dachshund followed close behind, tail wagging and ears flopping. After hugs and kisses on heads, the three children returned to whatever they had been doing before Link had walked through the door. Jade remained, though. Link leaned down and pet her until he realized that she was not looking at him, but what he held. He laughed and opened the box. “I don’t know if you’ll like these. They’re the cheap kind.” Still, he offered a treat and Jade took it happily, gobbling it up in a few crunchy bites. Link chuckled again as Jade looked expectantly up for more. Suddenly, a thought crossed through Link’s mind in a voice that wasn’t his own.

_“Dipper was cuter.”_


	3. The Man on the Porch

_“What is that?”_

_“Doggy treats.”_

_“Don’t open those in—”_

_Crinkle._

_“That stinks, man.”_

Link sat at the laptop watching and rewatching the old Seaborne and Roach sketches he and Rhett had made in 2008. He remembered how much fun it had been to create these terrible private investigators. They had planned on making more episodes about them but other projects took priority. The episode he was watching now, “Missing Dog”, had been his concept originally, he recalled. Rhett and Link had gone back and forth throwing out the most bizarre and trivial things a private investigator could possibly be hired for.

“What if they have to find a lost dog and they just, like, stand somewhere calling it’s name.”

Rhett had laughed so hard at the thought. The doggy treats line had been Rhett’s addition, but watching it now still brought questions to Link’s mind. Seaborne, the real Seaborne, if the real Seaborne could be called ‘real’ at all, was connected to a dog somehow. But Link didn’t remember any significant dog in his past. The name Dipper didn’t ring any bells either but he knew it had to be important somehow. Link sighed as the video played on.

“Whatcha watching, sweetie?” Christy asked, peaking her head into the home office where Link was sitting.

“Old sketches,” Link replied, closing the laptop. “Trying to get my mind around this whole ‘alter’ thing and why I put them into the stuff I wrote with Rhett. I didn’t even knew I had alters then. How many of these characters came from my head? I mean, I know they all ‘came from my head’ but how many of them are living there, I guess. I don’t even know where the line between imagination and disorder is right now. This is just so messed up.”

“Sweetie.” Christy went to her husband and knelt to put her arms around him. Link leaned his head onto her shoulder, burying his face in her neck. “I don’t know what’s happening, either, but I know I haven’t been handling it very well. I’m sorry. I know this must be hard for you.”

“It can’t be easy for you, either,” Link replied. He gently pulled back from Christy’s embrace so he could look her in her perfectly green eyes. “If this is confusing for me I can’t even imagine how lost you are.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Christy said, shaking her head. “You’re still Link. My Link. I love you more than anything in this world and nothing is ever going to change that, ok?”

Link couldn’t help but smile. “Ok.”

The two hugged again and Christy placed a kiss on Link’s forehead.

“Alright now, mister. Go wash your hands for dinner. It’s almost ready.”

Link watched Christy trot away. Her natural cheeriness still made his heart flutter after all these years. Even when Link had been doubtful of himself she had always been his cheerleader, one time literally. Shortly after they had gotten married, Link and Rhett had gotten into a big fight. It took three days for them to even talk to each other again. When nothing else could drag Link out of his depression during that time, Christy had bought a cheap cheerleader costume and leapt into the living room spelling Link’s name with enthusiasm and clapping her pom pom’s together. Link had swept her off her feet and carried her upstairs, kissing her deeply as he bumped the bedroom door open with his hip. Everything had felt better after that. Between her love and Rhett’s friendship, Link felt like the most adored man on earth.

Dinner was fantastic. Homemade spaghetti and cheesy garlic bread. Link asked each of the kids in turn how their day was and what they had learned from mom. Homeschooling was a tiresome job, but Christy was great at it.

“I learned fractions today,” Lincoln, his middle child, said with a hint of boredom in his voice. Link loved hearing about his children’s days but they weren’t always excited to participate in the nightly dinner ritual of sharing about their lives. Especially when it came to school.

“Fractions, huh?” Link said, swallowing a bite of garlic bread. “So what’s your favorite fraction?”

“No one has a favorite fraction dad.”

Lando and Lilian, youngest and oldest respectively, giggled between themselves. After dinner was an hour of free time for the kids and then off to bed. Christy and Link struggled to heard the three away from their electronics and toward the bathroom to brush their teeth, then off to their rooms to change into their pajamas. Together, they tucked the Lincoln, Lily, and Lando into their beds with hugs and kisses and wishes of sweet dreams. Then they made their way down to the living room to relax for a few hours in rare and precious quite.

“We should watch a movie,” Christy offered. Link agreed and Christy turned on the TV, revealing that she had Edge of Tomorrow already cued up and ready to go. Link raised an eyebrow.

“You hate sci-fi films.”

“Most of the time,” Christy shrugged, “but you’ve been through a lot lately and I know you really wanted to see this when it came out. Besides, Tom Cruise is pretty hot.” Her face dropped into comical seriousness. “But not as hot as you. Promise.”

Link laughed. “He is a pretty hunky dream boat.”

Christy snuggled into Link’s side as the movie began and Link draped an arm over her shoulders. He took in the feeling of her warm body against him and the smell of her sweet shampoo. This was right. He gave Christy’s shoulders a loving squeeze and she reciprocated the gesture by pressing herself into him a bit closer. In that moment, nothing mattered. The diagnosis. The mysteries. The stress. It all vanished. All that existed in the world was Link, Christy, and a movie about time-looping aliens. Link couldn’t be happier about it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“I’m glad to hear that tensions seem to be going down at home,” Mary said at their next session.

“Me too,” said Link. “I mean, I can’t blame her for acting how she did. This is a lot.”

“It is a lot. But it will be a lot easier for you and for her if you can some sort of acceptance of it.”

“I don’t know if we’ve gone that far,” Link laughed, “but right now things are good so I’ll take it. Plus we don't have the show anymore so there’s a lot less stress on that end, too.”

“Good Mythical Morning? The YouTube show you and Rhett do together?”

“Yeah. It’s holiday break. I’ve got about a month of mostly free time. That should make things a lot easier. Me having less on my plate and being able to just chill.”

“Some relaxation will be good for you,” Mary smiled. “Any plans for the holidays?”

“Well, normally we go up to North Carolina where we both grew up, but…” Link trailed off.

“But?” Mary encouraged.

“We sort of mutually agreed that it wasn’t a good idea this year. I’m not ready to let either of our parents know about what’s going on. We don’t want another episode.”

“And episode like what happened with Seaborne?”

“Yeah.”

“How did you feel about not going to see your family this year.”

“It kinda sucks, but it’s better this way.”

“For you or for Christy?”

“Both.”

Mary paused to consider this. “Why don’t you tell me more about Seaborne and what happened with Rhett?”

“I don’t remember any of it,” Link confessed. “Rhett had to fill me in on the details. When he told me what happened, though, it was like I could _almost_ remember what he was talking about but not quite. Like he was telling me a story he had told before except he hadn’t told it before. Does that make sense at all?”

“It does.”

“Rhett said that he said he’d been around for a really long time and that he wanted me to remember him and the others.”

“Did Seaborne tell Rhett anything about the others?”

“I don’t think so. I heard his voice, though.”

“Rhett’s voice?”

“No, Seaborne’s. When I gave Jade the dog treats I…he…bought, I think I heard him. In my head. He said ‘Dipper was cuter’.”

“And who is Dipper?”

“No idea.” Link shrugged.

“Let’s try something,” Mary said, standing and crossing her office. She picked up a small black box from the corner that had two cables running out from the front. At the end of each cable was a plastic oval, one black, one gray.

“This is something called bilateral stimulation,” Mary explained, setting the box on the ground in front of Link. “You hold these and they will give a little vibration one at a time, back and forth. We use this to stimulate both halves of your brain at the same time. It can help retrieve lost memories or, in this case, help you connect with your alters.”

“Will this work?” Link asked, taking an oval in each hand.

“We’ll have to try and find out,” Mary replied. “Now, you can keep your eyes open or close them, whichever you're more comfortable with. All I want you to do is look inside. In your mind invite anyone who is ready to come out to show themselves to you and just listen.”

“Ok,” Link said with a small amount of reluctance. This felt awkward and forced, but he was growing to trust Mary quite a bit. He closed his eyes.

The little ovals buzzed back and forth inside each softly closed fist as Link tried to clear his mind.

“Just tell me when you’re ready to stop,” he heard Mary say as he concentrated. He pictured himself standing on the front porch of a ranch house. Everything around the house was black, but he peered out into the darkness hoping something would appear. For a long time, there was nothing. Then, the imagined version of him felt a tug on the leg of his pants. A little boy with black hair and blue eyes was standing next to him and holding tightly onto Link’s jeans. There were tears in his eyes. Somehow, he knew the boy’s name to be Charlie.

Link looked up and saw Seaborne was on the porch as well. He looked nothing like Link thought he would and he didn’t introduce himself, but somehow Link just knew it was him. Larnold was there, too. In Rhett and Link’s sketches, the character had worn a flannel shirt and had a bushy beard. This Larnold was bald and clean shaven with a long sleeve shirt and a tan hunting vest. It suited him. It was astonishing to Link how vividly he could see the three in his mind and how natural the whole thing felt. It was like he was reuniting with old friends. Link looked around a bit more and was shocked to find a girl sitting on the porch swing. She avoided eye contact and instead looked down at her fingernails, making a show of how much she didn’t notice anyone else’s presence. She had long, auburn hair and couldn’t be older than eighteen or nineteen. Unlike with the others, he got no name from her, though her annoyance felt unpleasantly familiar. Before Link pulled himself out of his little vision, he noticed that a circle of grass had appeared around the house to separate it from the darkness.

“Ok,” Link said out loud, signaling for Mary to turn the buzzers off. She did, and Link relayed to her what he saw. “Charlie, the little boy, he’s not a character though.”

“Not all of your alters will have manifested themselves into your skits,” Mary explained. “He may have been hiding from you completely until now. Child alters are sometimes the last to come out. They can feel scared of showing themselves for longer than the adult alters.”

“He looked scared,” Link said. “He looked like he was about to cry.”

“That tells us something, then. Usually when I hear that an alter is scared or sad or poorly dressed it tells me that this part of you may need some extra care and attention.”

“What about the girl, though?” Link asked. “She was harder to reach, somehow. I couldn’t figure out what her name was.”

“Did you have any teenage girl characters in any of your skits with Rhett?”

“There was one,” Link said, thinking hard. “We were in a car playing ourselves and also playing these girls and we were all riding together in the backseat. Me and Rhett really wanted to impress them but the girl us’s were all grossed out about having to be in the car with us.”

“Does anything about that seem familiar to you?” Mary asked.

“Well, the girl I saw definitely didn’t seem happy that I was there,” Link replied. Then a thought occurred to him. “Wait, how could there be a girl? Can I have girl alters?”

“Absolutely,” said Mary. “Just like you can have child alters, you can have female alters and non-human alters as well.”

“Non-human?” Link asked, taken aback.

“Non-human alters can form for a number of different reasons. Sometimes an alter will be something like a dragon because dragons are big and scary and could stand up to abusers. If a child is religiously abused or is told they are going to hell over and over, they might have a demon alter. A family pet may manifest itself as an alter if the abuser showed love to the pet and not the child.”

“I’d better not turn into a dragon,” Link said with a chuckle, trying to bring in humor to divert the conversation. This was getting into territory way too uncomfortable for him to deal with.

“Just keep your mind open,” Mary said with a gentle smile. “Let the alters introduce themselves to you as they come. This is a safe place.” She raised her voice a bit when she said this. “I’m talking to Link and any alters who might still be hiding inside. This is a safe place for all of you. There will be no judgment here. I’m here for you.”

Link forced a grateful smile, but he felt a little ill. He felt he was experiencing things too much too fast. He decided to ignore the last bit of the conversation with Mary and just focus on who he’d met so far. Larnold, Seaborne, Charlie and…teenage girl. That alone was a lot to take in. For now, he’d call that good.


	4. The Man at Home

"So there are four now?" Christy asked. She was sitting on the couch with her computer on her lap. There was a hint of tension in her voice.

Link was leaning against the doorframe looking at the floor.

"I mean, kind of,” he replied uncomfortably. Talking about alters with Christy didn't come as easily as it did with Rhett. Rhett didn't have to live with him, though, so they effected his life much less than hers. Maybe that had something to do with it. Regardless, he couldn’t help but feel a level of guilt for even saying the word ‘alter’ in conversation. Still, he wanted to be as up front with her as he could. "Apparently they've always been there, I just didn't know it."

“And one is a teenage girl?”

“I guess.”

"Are there going to be more?"

“Honestly, I have no idea. Mary said there's no way to know. We just have to sort of go with whatever happens."

Christy nodded but didn't say anything. Then a smile popped onto her face and she closed her laptop.

"You know what we need? We need a night out. Just you and me. We can ask Jessie to watch the kids and we can do something fun. What do you say?"

"Yeah," said Link, "that sounds good." He didn't know why her suggestion hurt, but a sinking ache of rejection settled over him. Trying to shake it off, he forced himself to smile at his wife. "What did you have in mind?"

"We could go see the Nutcracker. We used to go every year before we had the kids. We should start that tradition again. Wouldn't that be fun?"

It really would, Link thought. A night attached to such fond memories sounded deeply appealing. Link's forced grin turned sincere.

“Yeah! I'll look at what show times are available and then call Rhett and Jessie to see if they're ok taking the kids on any of those nights. We can dress up and everything. It's been a while since I've seen you in that little black dress." He threw Christy a wink and she giggled.

"Hmm, I guess I could wear it. But only if you're good."

"I can definitely be good," Link said in a playfully seductive voice. He walked in an exaggerated runway style over to the couch and leaned down, kissing Christy deeply. They both smiled as their lips met.

"Ok," she said when he pulled away. "Little black dress it is."

Link grabbed his phone and looked up pulled up the theater’s website. Most of the shows were full which didn’t come as a surprise on such short notice, but the 3:30 matinee on Saturday still had a handful of seats left. Not wanting to lose his chance, Link trotted to the quiet of the kitchen and called Rhett immediately. His enthusiasm dimmed a bit at Rhett’s response.

"You're going to the ballet this weekend?" asked Rhett incredulously.

"Why do you sound surprised?" Link asked, pacing as he spoke. "You know I love the ballet."

"Because you're normally in North Carolina by then. Jessie and I leave with the kids Friday morning.”

"Oh," Link said with pause. Somehow he had forgotten that Rhett and Jessie were going to be on the other side of the country in a few days. Link and Rhett's schedules were almost always identical. Part of him had just automatically projected his decision to stay in Burbank onto Rhett. The thought of his friend being so far away was surprisingly upsetting. “Actually, I meant to bring this up earlier, but..."

"Link, are you not going home for Christmas?" Link couldn't tell if it was pain or concern he heard in Rhett's tone.

"Do you really think that would be a good idea for me right now?" Link asked.

"It's Christmas, man."

"And I'd like Christmas to be peaceful. For everybody. What if I turn into Larnold and try to cut down a fresh Christmas tree for my folks or something?"

A choked laugh came from the other side of the line.

"That would be pretty great, actually."

"No it wouldn’t! I just want a drama free holiday. Plus, I'm not ready for my family to know, you know? Especially since..." his voice trailed off. _Especially since that means that someone was hurting me right under their noses._ Another reason to stay home suddenly dawned on him. If what Mary said was true, if he did have repressed memories of something terrible from childhood, North Carolina was the worst place on earth he could go. Anything that happened to him would have had to have happened there. What if he saw something that caused those memories to come spilling out? Having an alter take over was one thing, but actually finding out why they were made…

Link's grip tightened on his cellphone.

"You still there, man?” came Rhett’s voice

"Uh, yeah," Link said, pulling out of his trance. "I just think it's better for everyone if I stay here."

"If you say so," Rhett said with resignation. "I'm really sorry about the babysitting thing. Maybe you could see if Christy would be ok with Lily watching her brothers. She's a teenager now. I'm sure she could handle them for a few hours."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. Have a safe trip, ok?"

"That's more in the pilot's hands than mine, but I'll do my best."

The two exchanged goodbye's and Link slid his phone into his back pocket and stood in silence for a moment. What other places or people would he have to be careful about now?

"What did they say?" Christy shouted from the living room. Link made his way back to her before replying.

"They're going to be in Buies Creek,” He said.

"So soon? It's only the 20th.”

“There are no ballet tickets available until the 23rd.”

“Oh, ok.” Christy seemed a little crestfallen.

“But Rhett brought up a good point," offered Link. "Lily should be able to watch the boys, right? She is a teenager now, after all. My cousin started babysitting her neighbor’s kids when she was twelve.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Christy replied. “Let’s have Lily babysit. I’m sure the idea won’t thrill her but maybe twenty dollars will loosen her up a bit.”

The two went together to Lily's room. Christy knocked lightly on the door that was standing ajar and eased it open. Lily was lying back on her bed holding her phone above her face and aimlessly scrolling through whatever she was looking at on the screen. When her parents walked in she sat up.

“Hey honey,” Christy said sweetly.

“What?” Lily replied, cross that her private space was being invaded.

“Lily, that is not an appropriate tone to take with your mother," Link said.

“Whatever.”

Lily had been disagreeable since Thanksgiving. Normally thrilled during the holidays, she had become unusually withdrawn the past few weeks. Occasionally her ‘tough guy’ persona would slip and Link and Christy would get a glimpse of the signature cheeriness she had inherited from her mother, but this attitude of disrespect was becoming annoyingly routine. Christy tried to combat it by adding extra sugar into every conversation. The results had been less than successful.

“How would you like to make a little extra money this week?” Christy asked. “Your dad and I are going to go out Saturday afternoon and we’d like you to watch the boys for us.”

“Are you serious?” asked Lily with a roll of her eyes. “First you tell us we don’t get to see grandma and grandpa for Christmas and now I’ve got to babysit while you and dad go have fun?”

“I understand you’re upset about not seeing your grandparents but you can go have fun with your friends over the weekend if you like. We just need you for a few hours Saturday afternoon so your father and I can go see the Nutcracker. Do you have plans already?”

“No,” Lily admitted, crossing her arms. “But that doesn’t mean I want to watch Lando and Lincoln.”

“It will only be for a few hours. Plus, there’s twenty dollars in it for you.”

“Make it twenty-five and then maybe.”

“Lily,” Link interjected. His patience wasn't nearly as boundless as Christy's. “You’re being incredibly disrespectful. You don’t have to be happy about babysitting but you will not speak to your mother that way. We are the adults in this household.”

Lily scoffed. “Mom is, anyway.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” asked Link.

“Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t know.”

“Lilian,” Christy said warningly. She wasn’t pandering to her daughter now. A line was being crossed.

“Come on, mom, I heard you crying when you were telling grandma and grandpa why we weren’t coming to visit. You’re more worried about him than any of the rest of us.”

“You told your parents why we weren’t coming down?” Link asked Christy with a pang of betrayal.

“I couldn’t tell them nothing,” Christy replied in a hushed voice. “We’ll talk about it later, ok?”

Link wasn’t ready to drop the issue. “I thought the whole reason we weren’t going is so that people wouldn’t know. I didn't want them to know. Did you tell my parents, too?”

"Honey, can we talk about this later? Lily, apologize to your father."

Her dismissal hit Link like a fist in the chest. Christy had told both their families? She knew he wasn't ready for that. He hadn't even wanted to tell the kids but Christy had insisted and now his own daughter was speaking about him like he was a burden to the whole family. Had Christy really cried when she told her parents about him? Did he scare her that much? As Christy and Lily bickered back and forth, Link’s head began to spin and he had a feeling like he was sinking into his own body. Everything around him seemed to grow distant. He was definitely still in the bedroom but now it looked like he was viewing it through a tv screen.

“I know you got beef with your dad,” Link heard himself say with a deep southern drawl. “But you don’t gotta be such a damn bitch about it.”

Christy and Lily's mouth’s dropped open and they both turned to look at him in shock.

“Excuse me?” Christy asked.

_Oh my god no._

“I said she don’t have to be such a bitch about it,” Link’s body repeated.

_Stop. Please god, make this stop._

“Do you think you’re being funny?” Christy asked. Lily burst into a vindictive laughter.

“See?” she said, open palm extended toward her father. “Do you see? Dad is fucking crazy!"

"Lilian, language!" Christy snapped. Then she turned toward Link. “Hallway. Now.”

Link and Christy stepped back into the hall and she pulled him a few paces away from Lily's room.

"What the hell was that, Link?"

"Link ain't here."

_Yes I am! Link screamed from inside. I'm right here!_

In response to his cries, Link felt something push him deeper inside the darkness of his mind. Whoever was driving his body didn't want to hear what he had to say. Outside, Christy sighed in exasperation.

"Ok," she said, "I'm guessing this is Larnold then."

"I'm glad you didn't forget me." Larnold smiled proudly.

"Li...Larnold...I am trying. I am trying so hard to understand all this, but you cannot talk to our daughter that way." From inside Link could see the strained expression on her face. He watched her take a deep breath to calm herself.

_I'm so sorry._

"I know you get upset when I call you Link, so I apologize for that."

"Shucks, baby, I just want to be treated like a person, that's all. And I'm sorry, too. I know I shouldn't've said them words. You both were just bein' so mean."

"Don't call me baby. I told you that last time. And what do you mean both of us?"

"Tellin' his family? That was a low move."

"I'm not going to let you tell me how to run my family."

"I'm not tellin you how to do nothing. I'm just sayin that you gotta respect Link better or he's gonna disappear again."

"Are you saying he turned into you to get away from me?"

Tears threatened to fall from her eyes.

"He didn't do it on purpose. But you hurt him bad." Christy just looked at him with tear filled eyes.

"I get it," Larnold sighed. "You won't want me here. I'll leave you to do whatever it is you do until Link gets back. Lemme just apologize to the girl and--"

"Don't you go back into that room," said Christy, grabbing his arm. "Just go out into the roof again or something. I don't want to see this face again until my husband is back." She stormed away down the hall to the stairs. Larnold sighed again and scratched the back of his head.

From inside, Link whispered _But I'm right here._


	5. The Girl Who Wanted Back In

“How did it feel,” Mary asked, “when she said that to you?”

“It felt like she was telling me to leave,” Link said. “I know she was talking to Larnold, but in a way he is me. I mean, it’s the same brain and the same body. Her feelings are completely valid but…”

“But the way she handles them still hurts?”

“Exactly.”

“Tell me about the Larnold from your sketches.”

“I don’t know. He was a kind of emotionally repressed country boy. Couldn’t tell his dad he loved him. That kind of stuff. Rhett and I did a camping advice video once. For campfire conversations, we made Larnold ask all these awkward deep questions like asking Rhett’s character Rusty to describe his marriage as a body of water or if he ever imagines himself as a baby. He tried to cuddle up to Rusty at one point in the truck bed. We thought it was pretty funny at the time.”

“And how was that similar to the Larnold in your system?”

“Not at all! He called my daughter a bitch. Just straight up!”

“Why do you think he did that?”

“Lily and Christy were going back and forth about me. I think she really looks down on me because of this whole DID thing.”

“Christy or Lily?”

“Both…”

“So when they were saying these things, how did you feel?”

“Angry. Betrayed. Judged.”

“Would you have talked to either of them about these feelings if Larnold hadn’t come out?”

“Well, yeah. I would have asked Christy why she went off and told everybody. We had a deal. My disorder is a secret.”

“But would you have told her how it made you feel? That you felt angry and judged?”

“I…probably not, no.” His shoulders sagged in defeat at his confession.

“Do you think it would be accurate to say that Larnold perhaps represents your repressed emotions? That he says the things you weren’t allowed to say?”

“I don’t know. This is all just too much.”

Link dropped his head backward onto the couch back and stared at the ceiling. He knew therapy was important but part of him hated going. It forced him to fully acknowledge everything he wished would go away. He wished he could just get better and be done with it.

“I understand that this is a lot to handle. You’ve gone almost forty years not knowing that these parts of you existed. There’s a lot both you and I have to learn about them.”

“How do I learn about them? Just try to stay co-conscious when they’re out?”

“Becoming co-conscious is a big step forward, but I’d like to encourage a strengthening of your system that doesn’t involve switching.”

“How?”

“Daily meetings. You told me that the four alters introduced themselves to you at a ranch house, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Can you imagine yourself there again?”

“I can try.”

Link closed his eyes and focused. Almost immediately, he was on the porch again. The grass boundary that circled the house had grown wider since last time. Link reported that to Mary.

“Good. Your comfort in this headspace is expanding. That’s good progress, Link. Now I want you to try and go inside the house. Try to picture a room for everyone with everything they would want or need. Have the kitchen be clean and full of food and snacks. Imagine a living room with enough comfy seats for everyone. Do you see it?”

Link opened the door to the house and for a moment saw nothing but black. Then, the place started to fill very quickly. The home was cozy and decorated with paintings of wildlife. The first room he stepped into was painted in warm, earthy tones. The vaulted ceiling had wooden support beams that stretched across it and there were five plush recliners gathered by a stone fireplace. Each one had a different colored patchwork quilt draped over the back. To his left was the door to the kitchen. The lighting and colors were warm here, too. The kitchen was almost as big as the living room with wooden cabinets, marble countertops, and an island in the middle of it all with five stools lined up on one side. On the far wall where the living room met the kitchen entryway was a staircase. Link didn’t go up but he could sense that this is where the bedrooms were.

“I see it,” Link said, taking in the view of this beautiful imaginary home.

“I’d like you to go to the living room and sit somewhere comfortable. You can choose a chair, a couch, a beanbag, a floor pillow…anything that makes you feel relaxed.”

Link nestled into the recliner with a brown and blue quilt.

“Ok.”

“Now ask if Larnold would like to come speak with you.”

As soon as she said these words, Larnold appeared. The little boy followed close behind, and then Seaborne and the girl. Each cozied up in their own seats near the warmth of the fireplace.

“He’s here. They’re all here,” Link said.

“That’s wonderful. Why don’t you ask what they thought of yesterday’s interaction?”

Link let the question float in his mind. Thoughts began to pop up that he heard in the same way he heard his own thoughts, only the voices and the words were not his. Each alter spoke clearly and distinctly while still allowing the others plenty of time to speak as well. Now and again Link would be hit by an emotion instead of words, but he could always tell who it was coming from and what it meant. Link tried to relay summaries of his internal conversation to Mary as clearly as he could.

“Larnold is sorry. He says he didn’t mean to cause trouble, but that he was mad about the way they were treating me. He says that getting mad at people on my behalf is his job. He says I’m too forgiving.”

“Do you fell that way?”

“No. I think I’m just forgiving enough.”

“Ok. Go on.”

“They…they don’t seem to like my family very much. Well, Larnold and Seaborne don’t. Charlie want’s to play with them but I don’t think that’s a very good idea. Susan just kind of seems indifferent to it all.”

“Susan? Is that the teenage girl?”

“Yeah,” said Link, suddenly surprised at how natural saying her name had felt even though he hadn't even known it moments before.

“Why do you think that Larnold and Seaborn aren’t happy with your family right now?”

“They say it’s because they’re mean. That's not fair, though. They’re not being mean. They just don’t under—”

“Pause,” Mary said gently. “Don’t put judgments on what the alters are saying right now. Just listen.”

“Seaborn says that he doesn’t like how quickly Christy switches from caring to…he’s saying mean again. She’s really not being mean. She’s an amazing woman.”

“No judgments, Link.”

Link sighed deeply.

“Ok. He says that he doesn’t like how quickly she jumps from sweet and happy to mean and distant. He says it reminds him of…of someone. His voice keeps getting cut off. I don’t know what he’s saying.”

Link focused harder, trying with all his might to hear the muffled name Seaborn was trying to share. Suddenly the ranch house vanished and he was back in Mary’s office. He tried to look around but his eyes wouldn’t move. He tried to speak but no words came out. Instead, leaned forward in a threatening way and address Mary with a slightly higher voice than belonged to him.

“Alright, no. Link is digging way too deep way too fast. If this is the game you want to play, we’re not coming back. We’ve worked hard to keep these memories from him and you’re not going to ruin what we’ve done. He isn’t ready for this, got it?"

“Who am I talking to?” Mary asked calmly.

Link rolled his eyes. “To Susan. Who else would I be?”

“Ok, Susan,” Mary said gently. “I can tell you care very deeply for Link. I do, too. It is not my intention at all to hurt him or to go too fast. He and I are learning about you and the others together, but I promise you I’m not going to try and drag out any memories.”

Susan pursed her lips and dropped her gaze to the side. After a moment, she looked back at Mary.

“The other alters trust you, so I guess I’ll trust you, too. For now. But know that I don’t like this.”

“I respect that,” Mary replied. “Susan, how old are you?”

“Eighteen. Is our time up?”

Mary glanced at the clock. “We have a few minutes left. Do you mind if I talk to Link about a few things for that last bit of time?”

“He can hear you right now.”

“Ok,” Mary said, treading very lightly with her words. “Will you let him know what I told you, then? About not rushing?”

“I just told you he can hear you,” Susan said, rolling her eyes. “I think we’ve done as much as we can in this session. We’ll see ya’ next week, kay?”

Susan stood and Mary extended a hand in a plea. “I would feel much better if Link was out front before you left.”

“What? I’m eighteen. You don’t think I can take care of the body? I know how to drive.”

“I’m not doubting you,” Mary said. “I just…” but Susan was already out the door.

Please, please pretend to be me when you get home, Link pleaded from inside. If Susan wouldn't let him front the least he could do was try to protect Christy from knowing he'd switched again.

“I plan on it,” Susan spoke out loud. He'd never had a conversation like this before. Having an internal dialog with people inside his brain was weird. Having an internal dialog from inside his brain was weirder. Is this what the alters felt like all the time? Did they even have the ability to feel anything about this kind of stuff?

“Listen,” said Susan as she drove toward the house. Either she couldn’t communicate with Link just by thinking or she was choosing not to. “I don’t want to be out just as badly as you don’t want me out. I didn’t mean to show up in therapy. It just…happened. And I don’t know how to get back in and it’s stressing me out and I don’t want to make Christy mad and I can’t focus and…” She stopped and took a deep breath. “I’m going to try my hardest to go back in, I promise. It’s just hard. I don’t remember how all this works.”

She didn’t remember? That meant she must have been aware of all the time passing as Link grew. What must that have been like for her? But that couldn’t be right. She wasn’t a separate person, she was him. He didn’t remember so she didn’t remember. It was a simple as that. It was weird for him so of course this would be weird for her, too.

Maybe we should go see Rhett first, he thought. Rhett would understand. At the very least, his presence would be reassuring. If Susan needed to relax, Rhett was the best option

“No, I want to play this cool,” Susan replied. “We’ll just get to the house and lay low until I figure out how to get back in."

Link resigned himself to the idea. Susan was obviously not going to be swayed. She drove with her hands firmly on the steering wheel and Link could feel the signs of panic sweeping over their shared body. She really was scared of being out. Link said a prayer to no one that his would be over quickly.

"Would you stop doing that?" Susan demanded. "You're making this a zillion times worse for me. No, I'm not going to push you back like that fucking redneck, but if you could just chill I'd really appreciate it, kay?"

Having no private thoughts was something Link would have to learn to adapt to quickly.

At the house, Susan took a deep breath and got out of the car. At Mary's office her gait had been hip swinging and feminine. Now she concentrated on making her walk seem relaxed and more free flowing. She read the way the muscles naturally followed their standard method of motion and copied it carefully. By the time she reached the door, she was walking exactly like Link. Link found himself impressed by her commitment to the disguise.

Susan opened the door and Jade ran up to meet her. Susan, too focused on her movements, nearly stepped on the dachshund and jumped backward when she saw it in front of her.

"Jesus Christ!" She exclaimed, hand on her chest.

"Hey honey," Christy said, walking over to greet her husband with a kiss. She leaned in but Susan dodged at the last second and kissed Christy's cheek instead.

"Hey, babe," Susan said.

_I would have kissed her. You have to kiss her if you want her to think it's me._

Susan couldn’t answer him with words but the slam of emotion Link felt in return made it clear that she would not, under any condition, kiss this woman on the mouth.

"Babe?" Christy asked with a chuckle.

_I also don't call her babe!_

"I mean," Susan stammered, "hi, sweetie." She was lowering the pitch of her voice to match Links but somehow she managed to make his normal voice sound fake and forced. This was a disaster.

"Link, honey, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Susan replied with an overly exaggerated shrug. "Just a little stressed from therapy is all. I'm going to go get a glass of water."

"Are you sure there isn't anything you want to talk about?"

"No, really, I'm fine."

Susan walked speedily into the kitchen and downed three glasses of water.

_What are you trying to do? Drown us?_

"I can't go back in if I'm focusing on going back in," Susan hissed in a whisper. "If I focus on the water maybe I can just slip backward."

_Well it's not working and I'm going to have to pee every fifteen minutes for the rest of the day!_

At this comment, Link felt their shared heart beat faster.

"I'm not peeing in this body."

_Why not?_

"Because I don't have a penis and I don't want to see yours. It would be too weird."

"Link, honey," came Christy's voice from the doorway. "Are you talking to yourself?"

"Um...yeah," replied Susan in her fake Link voice. "Just, you know, stress and stuff. Like I said."

_Go to the bathroom._

"I'm not going to the bathroom," Susan replied in as low a whisper as she could.

"Link, please talk to me," Christy pleaded. "Something's wrong. Let me help."

_Just go!_

"Um...like...let me just go pee really quick, ok? Then we'll talk for sure. Promise!"

Susan exited the kitchen just as quickly as she entered it and went to the small first floor bathroom. She looked anxiously down at the fly of her jeans and her stomach knotted hard.

"I'm going to throw up."

_You're not. Think about how gross this is. This about how much you don't want to do it. Think about how much you'd rather just let me deal with the body._

Link was proud of himself for coming up with such a sly solution. Susan was as well.

"You clever little slut. Ok, here goes."

A wave of nausea passed over the whole body as she unzipped her jeans. As soon as she went to extract what was needed to urinate, Link found himself jolted up to he front. The body's heart rate began to slow. Despite the pounding headache that attacked him from all sides of his brain, he felt at ease. It had worked.

"Thank you," Link said aloud as he relieved himself. He was met with a wash of emotion that portrayed both a sense of 'you're welcome' and the disdain that he was used to feeling from her while she was in the ranch house. She was so much different when she was fronting than when she was inside their shared head space. Link wondered how much he didn't know about these alters and how much he had assumed about them was wrong. The thought was scary. If they could hide their personalities, could they lie to him? If they could lie to him, could they manipulate him? How far did this go? The nausea returned as Link washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face. Was this something he wanted to think about now? He didn't have another session with Mary until after Christmas. The thought of going from one session a day to a whole six days alone was daunting even though he had only seen her a grand total of four times. But it was almost Christmas and he couldn't blame his therapist for taking a holiday break. She didn't live in a bubble after all.

Link took a pair of ibuprofin to help with the headache and, exhausted, went to the living room and sprawled out on the couch. Within moments Christy was by his side.

"Are you Link again?"

Link didn't have the energy to show the full level of shock that he was feeling.

"You knew?"

"Of course I knew," Christy replied. "You're my husband. I know when something is off."

"Then why did you just ask if I was ok?"

"Because I wanted you to tell me yourself. I wanted you to be honest." Christy spoke softly, showing as much empathy as she could muster.

"Susan knew how uncomfortable you get when any of the alters are out. She really wasn't ok with being out front, either. It just sort of happened during therapy. I don't think either of us planned on that happening. It just...did. She was trying to make everything easy on all of us until she could figure out how to go back inside."

"Susan? The teenage girl?"

"Yeah. She's a lot sweeter than I thought before."

"Then please let Susan know that what me the most comfortable is her being honest with me."

"But you always seem so upset when the others come out."

"It's more upsetting when I feel lied to. Just...please. Be honest next time."

"I'll pass on the message," Link said, closing his eyes. The lights in the room were blinding and the pain relievers hadn't kicked in yet.

"Are you ok now?" Christy asked. Link detected the test immediately.

"I'm me. I just...switching this time made my head feel like it was split with an axe. I think I need a nap."

"Ok," Christy replied. "I'll make sure that the kids stay quiet."

"Thank you so much, baby," Link said, mustering a small smile.

"No problem, sweetheart. I love you so much."

"I love you more," Link mumbled as he drifted off to sleep.


	6. The Boy Who Ran

When Link woke up the house was quiet and dark. The red that stained the window curtains told him that the sun was just setting. He’d been asleep for hours. Despite the rest, remnants of his headache still lingered and a deep unease clenched his chest. A quick listen inside revealed no  thoughts but his own. He wasn't sure if this was reassuring or not. Rolling from his side to his back, he held his hands above his face and stared at them in the dim light. His hands. His and four others. The tightness in his chest grew.

He didn’t dislike his alters. In fact, the more he got to know them, the more he began to appreciate their presence. And yet…

This was his body. He had never thought of his own body as his most private place before, but now that the privacy was gone he realized how important it had been. This was the one thing he always had complete control over. He could move how he wanted. Think what he wanted. Go where he wanted. But that wasn’t the case anymore. He was nothing more than a being in a vessel with no place to call his own. He’d been invaded. His hands clenched into fists and he brought them down over his eyes, pressing against them slightly to relieve the pressure in he head. Who was he anymore?

He should text Rhett. Link reached into his back pocket and extracted his phone, typing the message languidly. A depression was settling in. He didn’t want to move.

[Hey man. Not feeling too great. Mind if I come over?]

He watched the screen for a few moments until three floating dots alerted him that Rhett was typing back.

[Np. Christy and the kids here too. Just about to have dinner. We’ll wait for you.]

Link sighed in exasperation. Of course Christy went there. Jessie was her best friend. She probably needed as much support as he did, but the conversation he wanted to have with Rhett not one Link wanted to have while Christy was around. He didn’t want the awareness of her discomfort blocking him from processing his thoughts.

[I really need to talk to you alone. Do you mind coming over here? I’m really sorry]

The response was immediate.

[On my way]

Link breathed deeply and lay his phone on his stomach. He didn’t know what he would do without Rhett. Not a single person, outside a handful of family members, had been in his life longer and there most certainly wasn’t anyone who understood him better. Not by a long shot. That’s what three decades of friendship got you.

Link stared up at the ceiling, his melancholy still weighing on him. As the depression grew, his arms and legs slowly began to increase in weight until they felt like lead filled balloons. Even if he wanted to move them, Link didn’t think he would be able to. And so he lay there, thinking nothing, doing nothing, waiting for Rhett to arrive.

“Can I sit with you?”

Link heard the small voice inside and allowed himself to drift to the porch at the ranch house. Charlie was waiting there for him on the swing. Link sat next to him and the boy curled up into Link’s side. It was a gesture meant to comfort. Link chuckled softly to himself. How bad a state was he in that he needed comfort from an imaginary little kid?

“How old are you?” asked Link.

“Six.”

So part of him was still six years old. That wasn’t entirely surprising. Everyone had always called him a man child.

“We have the same name, you know. My first name is Charles. Charles Lincoln Neal.”

As soon as Link said it he felt ridiculous. Of course the boy knew that. The boy was a part of him. Charlie giggled.

“That’s why my name is Charlie, dummy” he said. Then he became serious. “It’s just ok that you’re sad, you know. I’m sad sometimes. We can both be sad together if you want.”

A part of Link still felt uncomfortable being comforted by a child, but never the less, it was working.

“I appreciate that, little man,” Link replied. Without much conscious thought, he brushed his fingers through the boy’s hair. “So what do you do all day in here? You don’t talk as much as the others.”

“No, they’re loud. I don’t like being loud. I like being quiet.”

“Do you play quiet games?”

“I don’t have any games.”

Link noticed that the shirt Charlie was wearing looked old and stained. He was reminded of what Mary had said about distressed alters needing extra care. He wasn’t quite sure what that meant and he didn’t have another appointment for five days. He would just have to figure it out.

“If you could play games, what games would you play?” Link asked awkwardly. This whole interaction felt unnatural. Still, he felt a connection with Charlie. As they sat together, a flame ignited in Link’s heart that wanted to protect Charlie and keep him safe just as he did for his real children in the real world.

“Probably run a lot,” said Charlie, answering Link’s question. “I like to run.”

“I bet you can run super fast.”

Charlie lifted his head and a little excitement glittered in his otherwise sorrowful eyes.

“Do you wanna see?” he asked. Link nodded and smiled and the boy leaped off of the swing and jumped off the side of the porch instead of taking the stairs. Link instinctively wanted to remind the boy to be careful before he realized there was probably no need for that in this imaginary safe space.

“You ready?” Charlie called out from the grass. The yard had expanded again meters in every direction. Link could see a thick tree line in one direction. He wondered casually if Charlie would like to go look for bugs in those woods someday or if Larnold might go camping there.

“Link, you’re not watching!”

“Sorry, sorry!” Link called back, holding his hands up in apology. “I’m watching now.”

“You gotta say ‘ready, set, go.’”

“Alright. Ready, set, go!” Link shouted and smiled as the young boy ran as fast as his short legs could carry him from one end of the grass to the other. Link applauded from his vantage point on the swing.

“Did you see? Did you see how fast I went?” Charlie asked between gasps as he tried to catch his breath.

“You were like lightning!” A swell of pride washed over Link as the boy trotted back to the porch. Link noticed that his clothes had changed into a basketball jersey and fresh, new sneakers.

“Nice kicks,” Link offered.

“Huh?” Charlie said, confused. Then he looked down at his feet. “Oh man, they’re so cool! I bet they make me run even faster.”

“Probably,” Link said.

“We gotta do it not tonight, though,” Charlie said, going to the door. “Rhett’s here. But will you watch me run again?”

“Absolutely, little man.” Link gave a thumbs up. Charlie went into the house and Link brought his awareness back to the room around him. Rhett was standing over him. Link jumped up.

“You scared the crap out of me!” Link cried.

“You alright, man?” Rhett asked. He looked genuinely concerned. “I let myself in the front door and I found you kind of…vegging out. You didn’t answer when I said your name. I’m the one with the crap scared out of him.”

“Sorry. It was…I was in my head,” Link said, sitting back down on the couch. He was painfully aware of the vagueness of his response but there was really nothing else to say. Rhett took a seat next to him.

“So talk to me,” Rhett said. Link looked down at the floor and then up at the ceiling trying to put his thoughts into words. He hadn't actually figured out what he had wanted to talk about, just that he needed to talk about something.

“I feel crazy.”

“Link, you’re not crazy. I’ve told you this. Mary’s told you this. You’ve been through some really big stuff.”

“Stuff I don’t even remember.”

“Well, maybe that’s for the best for the time being. You’re still getting used to having alters. Memories on top of that might be too much right now.”

“My family thinks I’m crazy,” Link said.

“Link…” Rhett put a hand on Link’s shoulder. “Nobody thinks your crazy.”

“Lily called me crazy. Christy…she wants nothing to do with me. I feel like I’m just a chore to everyone now. They can’t even go to North Carolina for Christmas because of me. I ruined Christmas, Rhett.”

“Christy and Lily just need to get over themselves. Don’t let them get to you, buddy. They love you. Both of them. I know they’ll come around. And if it makes you feel better, you didn’t ruin Christmas for me.”

Link let a small laugh escape. “Yeah,” he said sarcastically. “That makes me feel a ton better.”

“Also…” Rhett said, drawing the word out as if he were about to announce Link had won a brand new car, “I got you an early Christmas present!”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“Me!” Rhett exclaimed, throwing his arms into the air. “I’m staying with you in California!”

“What??” Link’s jaw dropped. “You can’t! You already bought your ticket. And what about Jessie and the kids?”

“I had insurance on the ticket so I just got it refunded. And the family will be fine spending one Christmas without me. I need to be here for my best friend.”

“It’s not like I’m dying.” Link couldn’t decide if he was angry or relieved by Rhett’s choice.

“No, but you’re still going through a pretty big transition. The least I can do is be here for you. I know you’d do the same.”

Link let this sink in and decided he was grateful after all. “Thanks, Rhett. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

“Alright,” Rhett said, leaning back into the couch. “Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I demand to know every detail of you turning into a teenage girl.”

Link laughed in spite of himself and relayed the experience. The story felt so much less upsetting telling it to Rhett’s eager ears. The casual tone and Rhett’s warm laughter made everything feel so normal, and he desperately needed to feel normal.

“So she didn’t want to touch your dongle, huh?”

“Don’t say it like that, you weirdo.”

“I’m just saying, she’s eighteen. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“She’s part of my brain!” Link flung a couch pillow at Rhett’s face which he unsuccessfully attempted to dodge.

“Woah, I’m joking,” Rhett said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. He loved being able to get a rise out of Link. “I still have to meet Susan. And the little kid. What’s his name?”

“Charlie.”

“Come to think of it, I haven’t met anyone but Seaborne. Next time Larnold comes out have him call me immediately and we’ll go cut down a Christmas tree.”

“You’re not funny, man,” Link said, but his smile gave him away. Behind his lips floated so much more that he wanted to say. _I’m scared. I don’t know if I can do this. I want my old life back._ But these words would remain unspoken for now. For the first time in days Link felt relaxed. Accepted. Happy. He would try to make this last just a while longer.

Link told Rhett all about the ranch house, the group meeting, and Charlie's run. With each word he spoke, his fears melted from his shoulders. Rhett nodded and laughed at all the right moments and soon the conversation drifted easily to other topics. Plans for Christmas morning.

"Did you get me anything? I already told you what your present was," Rhett teased.

Ideas on how to celebrate New Years.

"Sparklers will be involved, obviously. Link, you think you can hold five at once? I don't want anyone feeling left out."

And eventually, they made their way to their favorite topic of conversation: new ideas for Good Mythical Morning, the YouTube show that had cemented their place in the online entertainment industry. Sides splitting with laughter, both men tried to top the other on the grossest thing they could try to make into a muffin. Eating gross foods was their signature act, after all.

As Link puzzled over how to one up Rhett's suggestion of just molding playdoh into a muffin shape and eating that, the front door opened.

"Link? Rhett? You guys here?" Christy's voice hollered from the front door over the clambering of three children and the jingling of Jade's collar as Christy removed the leash. Lincoln and Lando stopped to give their dad a hello hug as they passed the living room but Lily just threw him a condescending glance and went straight to her room.

"What are you boys talking about?" Christy asked, Jade merrily prancing around her feet.

"Eating playdoh," Rhett said matter of factly.

"Of course you are," said Christy, crinkling her nose. "You know this is why I don't watch your show, right?"

"But it's why everyone else does."

"Link," said Christy, turning her attention to her husband. "Are you feeling better?"

Link wanted to say yes but suddenly he didn't know if that was the honest answer. Moments ago, sure, but now he was the ‘loose cannon’ again. Once more he was the father who disappointed his daughter and the husband who frightened his wife so much she hadn't even wanted to leave the dog alone with him.

"Yeah, I'm doing fine."

"I'm glad," Christy said and gave him a small kiss. "You boys should probably wrap it up, though. It's bed time for the Neal household.”

"Yes mom," Rhett mocked. Christy stuck her tongue out at him and headed upstairs. Before he stood, Rhett turned to Link.

"Are you going to be ok?” He jerked his head in the direction of the doorway Christy had just vacated.

"Is it that obvious?" Link asked.

"I just know this is a lot for both of you. It's normal that things are sort of tense."

"I'll be fine. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, though, Mister 'I Care About My Friend Enough To Spend Christmas With Him'."

"Yes, how dare I? I'm a monster." Rhett stood and gave Link's shoulder a smack.

"You got this. Everything will fall together in no time. Have a good night, alright?"

"Yeah," Link said. "You too." He didn't see his friend to the door. Instead, he stayed on the couch until he heard the front door close and Rhett's spare key turn the lock shut. He wasn’t sure how he was going to fall asleep after an almost three hour nap, but he also didn’t want to rock the boat. Anything that helped Christy and him both sail smoothly was a good thing. Resigned, Link clenched his fists, released them, and headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed.


	7. The Man Who Pushed Back

The night passed slowly as Link woke over and over, an unwilling spectator to its dark stillness. Each time his eyes opened he was instantly overwhelmed with chatter and bumbling emotions coming from inside. None of it belonged to him. The alters were awake and each one seemed to want to be heard but their overlapping pleas for attention made it impossible to understand what any one of them was trying to say. Desperately Link tried to suppress the noise but it seemed that the more he fought the louder it became. Every now and again he would feel a throb in his head, a sign that someone was trying to push themselves to the front.

“Please…” Link begged quietly to the nothingness. Christy stirred sightly next to him. Closing his eyes, Link took long, deep breaths and tried to focus on the sound of the air passing through the hollow space in the back of his throat. In resistance, a song he barely recognized began to blare loudly in his mind. How did he know the words? Maybe it had been on the radio at some point. He hadn’t paid attention to it but someone inside obviously had.

Link glanced at the clock. It was two in the morning. He had to fall asleep. Wearily, he made his way to the bathroom and fumbled through the cabinet under the sink until he found a bottle of NyQuil. He hated the stuff, but if it would get him to sleep…

His head throbbed again. Link decided a couple aspirin would be a good idea as well. At the very least he was grateful that this headache was minor compared to what he was left with after Susan had fronted so suddenly. He popped the pills into his mouth, washed them down with a gulp of the NyQuil, and stared into the mirror. Why was this happening? How did he go from zero to one hundred so quickly? For almost forty years he had been fine and now he had imaginary head-people waking him up in the middle of the night to party to electropop. He didn’t care how many times Rhett or Mary or anyone else told him he was fine. He was insane. Certifiably insane.

What if he was making this all up? What if he had just convinced himself he had alters and was getting carried away in a self created nightmare? Maybe none of this was actually real.

Another throb. It was real enough to make his brain hurt. That much he couldn’t deny.

Link turned off the bathroom light and made his way back to bed. As he climbed under the covers, Christy gave a soft, sleepy moan and rolled over to face him.

“You ok?” she asked softly.

“Yeah I’m fine,” Link lied.

“Ok.” Christy gave him a gentle kiss. “Sleep well baby.”

“You too,” Link murmured over the lyrics that still played in his head. _“My brain is scattered. You can be Alice, I’ll be the mad hatter…”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The night lasted forever and yet morning seemed to come too soon. The NyQuil had done it’s job and put Link to sleep within minutes but he still felt exhausted. With a sense of resignation he went to pull the covers off of himself but his arm didn’t move. Confused, he willed himself to sit up, but still his body didn’t respond. This was beyond fatigue. He was immobilized. It was as if someone had cut the connection from his brain to his body. That or someone else had taken control without him sensing them. Regardless, he was stuck on his side staring at the bedroom window and slowly feel himself fill with an anxious sense of helplessness.

“Good morning, sleepy head!” Christy said brightly. She leaned out the bathroom door into the bedroom with a toothbrush in her mouth. When her husband didn’t respond she walked over to the bed to nudge him awake. It wasn’t until she was right above him that she saw the fear in his open eyes. Quickly, she rushed to the bathroom to rinse the toothpaste from her mouth and returned to sit by his side.

“Are you ok?” she asked. Link moved his eyes so that he could see her face. He tried to open his mouth to tell her that he didn’t feel ok at all but, just like his arms and legs, his voice had shut off too. He was a passenger stranded in a locked and broken vehicle. All he could manage was a small shake of his head. Tears began to pool in his eyes.

“Oh, sweetie,” Christy said, leaning over him and taking him in an embrace. The tenderness of her touch pushed Link over the edge. As she held him, the tension that had incapacitated his body released in the form of a torrent of tears. Pressing closer to his wife, Link wept unabashedly into her lap. Sobs shook his whole body and his limbs lightened just enough to be pulled in toward his chest. Christy continued to hold him close and stroked his hair.

“It’s going to be ok, baby,” she whispered.

 _But what if it’s not?_ Link’s voice was still shut off. He couldn’t speak his fear. He could only cry into his wife’s lap and quiver. Christy waited patiently, petting his hair and cooing soft comfort and reassurances as every ounce of fear and stress poured out of him.

“You’ve been carrying so much,” Christy said once Link’s sobbing subsided into trickling tears. “I can’t imagine what this must be like for you. You just stay in bed for now. We have nothing special planned for today. Rest as long as you need. Do you want some breakfast? Some tea?”

Link nodded.

“Which one, sweetie?”

Link just nodded again.

“I’ll bring you both. I’m going make the kids some oatmeal and then I’ll be right back up. Are you going to be ok until then?”

Nod.

“Ok,” Christy said, giving Link one last squeeze before she stood, carefully sliding her legs out from Link’s head. “I’ll be back soon. Promise.”

Link watched her go through tear blurred eyes and adjusted the covers around him. His limbs were still resisting his commands but at least he could move with and extra boost of effort. Reaching over to the nightstand he put on his glasses and unplugged his phone from the charger. He pulled up the messages app on the screen and tapped on Rhett’s name.

[Are you coming over today?]

No immediate reply. Link set the phone down and stared at the sunlight glowing through the sheer bedroom curtains. After a few minutes, he heard a ding and looked down at his screen.

[What else am I going to do? My house is all creepy when it’s empty.]

[What time?]

[I can head over now. You ok?]

Link considered his reply.

[Yeah. Just need to know how long I can be lazy before I shower and stuff.]

Apparently he was lying to everyone now. Christy last night and Rhett now. He didn’t know if he should feel guilty, though. A harmless ‘I’m fine’ was probably better than an unending stream of confusion, depression, and self loathing. There were enough things pushing his loved ones away right now. The less he added to that list, the better. His phone dinged again.

[I’ll be there in like an hour. You better not smell. I didn’t stay in California to get gassed out by your BO]

A small fraction of his anxiety induced weight evaporated. Knowing Rhett would be around made him feel a small amount of ease. An hour wasn’t very long, but if he just showered and didn’t take the time to shave or do his hair that would give him about forty-five minutes to rediscover his will to exist before Rhett arrived.

Christy rapped her knuckles on the open door. Link rolled back over to face her. She was carrying a tray with a bowl of cereal and a steaming mug. Food was good. Maybe that would help him calm the rest of the way down. Crying had drained him but lingering feelings of fear still remained. He felt fragile. Christy took a slow step into the room as if approaching a sick child or a scared animal.

“Hey there, mister,” she said softly. Her words were delicate, but to Link it was like she had fired a gun. For no reason he could understand, Link’s whole body contracted into a fetal position and the world was erased by panic as the word “mister” echoed over and over in his mind. Fear turned to dread and dread turned to terror. Someone was coming. Someone was going to hurt him. He had to get away but his body had stopped responding again. Moving was bad. Good boys didn’t move. Good boys kept quiet.

In an instant, Christy was by Link’s side holding him again.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok. It’s ok,” she said. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

“I can’t do this,” Link cried. “I can’t. I cant. I can’t.”

“You can. You’re strong,” Christy said confidently. Link’s whole body twitched and jerked as he attempted to curl himself in to the smallest ball he could. “Here, breathe with me.”

Christy inhaled slowly and loudly. Link felt her chest expand against him as he trembled and struggled for breath. She exhaled and he felt the cool blow of it against the skin of his cheek. She inhaled again and he followed with three sharp, shaky breaths of his own. They exhaled together. After a bit, Link was able to match his breathing perfectly with hers. The exercise hadn’t worked at all last night but with his wife’s warmth engulfing him and the sound of her breath as a guide his mind began to steady. Once his body tremors stopped and his lungs remembered how to function, Christy sat up and guided Link to do the same. Then she placed the breakfast tray on his lap and crawled into bed next to him. They sat in silence while Link ate. When he finished, Christy picked up the tray and set it aside so she could take Link’s hands in hers.

“I’m going to help you to the bathroom, ok? A shower will make you feel better.”

Link gripped her hands as if they were lifelines. Once he was out of bed and walking, the rest of the weight that had been holding him down released and he could move freely again. It was only a few steps to the bathroom but Link held tight to Christy the whole way. When his feet touched the cold tile floor, he hesitantly let go of her hands and turned on the shower on his own.

“I’ve gotta get dressed,” Christy said as Link began to do the opposite. “I’ll be in the bedroom if you need me. Just holler.”

“I will,” Link said, relieved to have his voice back. “Hey, Christy?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. So much.”

Christy smiled. “I love you and I’m here for you. No matter what.”

Link stepped into the hot water and Christy exited the bathroom to finish her morning routine.

Christy had been right. The hot water felt amazing and made him feel almost back at one hundred percent functionality. Link finished showering, brushed his teeth, got dressed and, to his own surprise, styled his hair all before Rhett arrived.

“What’s up, you slow piece of lard?” Link asked when his friend came in through the front door. “You said you were going to be here in an hour. It has been at least sixty eight minutes. And here I thought I could trust you.”

“I just wanted to make sure I didn’t walk in on the bog monster that is Link Neal in the morning.”

“Like you’re any better!”

“Not true,” Rhett said, popping his hip out and swishing his open hand along the side of his hair. “I wake up like this.”

The two men laughed and Link lead the way into the kitchen.

“Coffee?” he offered, pulling a Keurig pod from a drawer.

“Link, I drink tea. How many times do I have to tell you, man?”

“I know that,” Link said, tossing the pod on the counter and using the Keurig instead to fill a mug with hot water. “I was just making sure you remembered.”

“Uh-huh.” Rhett smirked. “You were testing me. It definitely had nothing to do with how you forget things all the time.” He drew out the word ‘all’ in exaggerated exacerbation. Link put a tea bag in Rhett’s mug and gave his own forehead two quick taps with the tip of his fingers.

“Nope. This mind is like a steel trap.”

Rhett took the mug and bobbed the tea bag up and down in the water.

“Such a good trap that you've even got a bunch of people stuck in there!” His eyes shown with laughter for only a moment until he saw Link’s face drop. “Hey, are you alright?”

“No jokes today, ok?” Link asked, preparing a cup of coffee for himself as an excuse to avoid eye contact. “It’s been a rough morning.”

“No jokes,” Rhett promised. “You know I didn’t mean—”

“I know. I’m just a little raw today is all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Link’s head throbbed and he felt Seaborne’s familiar cockiness mingling in his own emotions and thoughts.

"Not right now. I really just..."

Seaborne pushed again. Hard. The sharp pain behind Link's eyes was almost blinding.

“Shit!”

Link set his coffee down so quickly it almost toppled and clenched both his fists in his hair, doubling forward on himself. Rhett rushed to him.

“Hey, what’s going on? Talk to me. Link?”

“They keep trying to push up front,” Link cried. “Why do they keep pushing?”

“I can’t answer that for you, buddy…” Rhett said, placing a tentative hand on Link’s back. It wasn’t much of a comfort but he was at a loss for what else to say. Touching was the wrong answer, though. Link recoiled sharply away from Rhett’s hand, bumping his hip hard against the kitchen counter.

“I’m fine,” Link said, his words too loud to believe. He was still pulling at two fistfuls of hair and his eyes were clenched shut. Seaborne’s presence appeared again. Link fought it and was given a wave of nausea in return.

“He just keeps pushing. Why does he keep pushing? All of them. Last night. This morning. I just…god, I can’t…just stop. Stop!”

He couldn’t switch. Not now. Not at home. Not in front of Christy, especially after she had just carried him through an attack with such care.

Seaborne pushed again.

“Maybe it’s best not to fight it,” Rhett offered, his hands hovering near Link’s shoulders as if preparing for him to fall. “Just let it happen and I’ll make sure you stay safe. I’m here.”

“Link, are you ok?” Christy had heard Link’s exclamation and had come to see what was wrong. Lando, Lincoln, and Lily were with her. Upon seeing the source of the ruckus, Lily stepped away and disappeared somewhere back in the house. Christy went to Link with her arms outstretched but Rhett gestured for her to stop. Christy seemed to understand and stood a small distance away, eyes dancing back and forth between her husband and Rhett.

“Is Daddy ok?” Lando asked his mother, his six year old eyes wide and frightened.

“Daddy’s ok, honey,” Christy reassured him. “Link, do you need me to call Mary? I feel like she might be able to walk you through whatever is happening.”

“You don’t need to call anybody,” Link said in a low voice. His hands relaxed, then his arms and shoulders, and finally he stood tall with his chin slightly cocked upward so he had to look down his nose to see Christy. “I’m better at taking care of him that she is. Or you. I’ve been doing this almost his whole life after all.”

“Link…” Christy began. Link scoffed.

“Seaborne,” Rhett said as both a question to Link and an aside to Christy.

“Like from those videos?” Lincoln asked.

“The one and only,” Seaborne replied. Christy looked up at him with her mouth half open, a torrent of words just waiting to spill out. Before they could, however, she turned on her heel and walked out of the room, grabbing her sons’ arms and pulling them out of the kitchen with her. They both seemed confused and a little afraid.

“Tsk. Typical,” Seaborne sneered. “At his side one moment, gone the next. One of us comes out and poof!” He shook his head disapprovingly.

“I don’t think Link exactly wanted you to come out just then,” said Rhett.

“I don’t think Link knows what’s good for him one way or the other. You’re getting a little high and mighty yourself. Did you know she called him ‘mister’?”

“Christy did? Why is that bad?”

“It’s bad because I say it’s bad. Also, questions.”

“We’re still on the no questions rule, huh?”

Seaborne stared silently. Rhett shook his head and sighed.

“Ok. So, regardless of what Link wanted, you’re out now.”

“To prove a point.”

“The point that Christy feels uncomfortable around you.”

“Exactly. Link, _all_ of Link, needs support. Support like we get from you. I’m glad we have you.”

“I’m flattered,” Rhett replied with a flat tone.

Seaborne chewed his bottom lip and glared at the empty kitchen door.

“Link deserves to be around people who care, not people who make him feel all scared and freaky. To tell you the truth, that woman is making this way harder than it has to be. Things would be better if she weren’t even around.”

“Woah,” Rhett said sharply, putting a dead stop on Seaborne’s train of thought. “Absolutely not. Christy is good to him.”

“She’s good to the parts she likes. Meaning not me. Or the others. Can you imagine how crushed little Charlie would be if he came out and that woman just walked out on him like that?”

“Stop calling her ‘that woman’. Christy is just adjusting.”

“So are you. And yet here you are talking to me.”

“That’s not the point,” Rhett said, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “The point is that I don’t want you getting any ideas about hurting Link’s marriage.”

“It wouldn’t be hard you know. All I’d have to do is sneak out, find some girl. Wouldn’t even have to do anything with her. Just stay out late and come back smelling like alcohol and perfume.”

“You will not, _not_ , do anything to compromise this marriage,” Rhett ordered. “You’re afraid of hurting Charlie? What about Lando? He’s six, too. You’re going to break one kid’s heart to save another?”

Seaborne gave Rhett a sideways look, but took a silent moment to consider.

“I hadn’t thought about the kids on the outside,” he admitted.

“And Link loves Christy,” Rhett continued. “This whole silent treatment thing is a phase. It is going to pass. She’ll come around and until she does I’ll be here for him. For all of you. You have my word on that.”

Seaborne shook his head.

“You’re a good kid, Rhett, but you don’t understand how much she hurts him. You know why he panicked a minute ago? It wasn’t because he didn’t want me out. It was because he didn’t want me out around her. He scared of us because she’s scared of us. How the hell is he going to heal when all he can think about is appeasing that woman’s closed mind?”

“Yeah, I get it. It sucks.” Rhett replied. He wasn’t about to give up this battle. “Christy has always had a hard time with change and I’m sure it hurts Link a lot. I can’t even fathom what he feels right now. But even if she’s hurting him she’s not harming him. You taking away the most secure foundation he has? That’s going to harm him. Do you understand?”

Seaborne went quiet again. He crossed his arms in front of him and his jaw clenched and unclenched as he pondered over Rhett’s words.

“I hate to admit it but you’re right,” he said finally. Rhett released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “I won’t interfere and I won’t come out around her unless I have to. But we all need time up front. That’s a must and I’m sticking to it.”

“Fine,” Rhett said. “We’ll schedule something. But Link stays Link when he’s with Christy.”

“That’s an arrangement I can agree on.”

Rhett stuck out his hand as a demand to seal the promise. Seaborne shook it firmly.

“I can’t speak for the others, you know,” Seaborne said before he broke the handshake.

Rhett nodded. “I’ll take what I can get.”


	8. The Woman Who Doubted

When Link resurfaced he slowly and silently picked up his cup of coffee, staring into the dark liquid as if it was whispering answers to unspoken questions. Rhett immediately tried to tell him what had transpired but Link shook his head.

“I know,” he said quietly. “I heard everything. I’m going to go sit down.”

Instead of going to his normal spot in the living room he continued down the hallway to the office at the back corner of the house. It was quiet there and, more importantly, out of the way of the family’s normal foot traffic. Rhett followed and closed the door behind him when they were both in the room. Link sat in the faux leather chair behind the room’s desk and rolled the absentmindedly back and forth on its wheels. Rhett clicked on the light and put his hands in his pockets, not quite knowing what to do with himself. It was a feeling of awkwardness that he hadn’t experienced around Link since they were in grade school. Looking at his lifelong friend, he felt like a stranger. As much as he wanted to pretend like Link was the same person he had shared his life and dreams with, he had to admit that things weren’t the same anymore. His love for Link hadn’t changed, but Rhett was going to have to get to know him all over again. All five of him. The thought made him uncomfortable but he didn’t dare let it show. Not now. Not when Link needed him most.

“Thanks,” Link said, “for talking him down. He really doesn’t seem to think highly of me.”

“He does seem a bit on the arrogant side,” Rhett mused. “He kind of has a guard dog quality to him, you know. Ready to tear down any threat he sees.”

“Christy’s not a threat.”

“I know that. That’s what I told him, too. I just meant he’s very protective.”

“He said I don’t know what’s good for me,” Link said. He was still looking into his cup. He hadn’t yet taken a sip of the coffee inside. “My own brain thinks I’m too incompetent to take care of myself.”

“Don’t think too hard about it,” said Rhett. He walked over to the desk and sat on the edge next to Link’s chair. “He hasn’t been around since you were a little kid. He just hasn’t gotten to know the new you yet.”

“Is that even how that works?”

Rhett opened his mouth to answer and realized he had none.

“Well hey, at the very least he agreed to behave from now on. That’s a step, right?”

“Yeah.” Link finally took a long, slow drink from his cup. “I feel sick.”

“You’ve been through the ringer, bud. It’s not even eleven yet. Are you sure you want me over here? I can go home and let you get some rest.”

“Don't go," Link said before Rhett could finish his last word. He looked at Rhett with desperate eyes. He wanted to be alone, but not by himself. Alone with Rhett made him feel safe. Alone with himself would send him down a spiral of hopelessness that he didn't have the energy to handle right now. "I'm not going to be great company,” he pleaded, “but please..."

"I'm not going anywhere," Rhett said, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Want me to grab you laptop? We can stay in here. Watch some Netflix until you get you feel a bit better."

"Yeah. A morning of Netflix and chill sound good."

The corner of Rhett’s mouth turned up into an amused grin. ”That doesn't mean what you think it means, buddy."

"Oh doesn't it?" Link said, mustering a playful eyebrow wiggle and as much as a half smile as his weary muscles would let him.

"Well I guess old you is definitely still alive and kicking. Gosh," Rhett laughed and walked out of the room. He returned with the computer and a chair from the kitchen. He let Link pull up whatever show struck his fancy while Rhett slid the chair next to Link’s and settled down into it. The two watched episode after episode an animated comedy that seemed to be cheering Link up. Despite the passing time, no one came to check on them. Link was too tired to notice or maybe just didn't care, but the longer it went on the more distracting the solitude became to Rhett. When their show was interrupted by a black screen asking if they were still watching, he turned hesitantly to Link to ask a question. When he realized he already knew the answer he decided to take a note from Seaborne and phrase the question as a statement instead.

“I think you should talk to Christy.”

“Why?” Link asked, moving to click continue. Rhett grabbed his hand to stop him.

“Because what happened earlier was a little messed up. Maybe it would be best to discuss it so it doesn’t build into something it doesn’t have to be.”

Link took his hand back.

“I already know how this conversation is going to go,” Link said bitterly. “She’s going to brush it off and avoid the real issue. She's going to pretend that since I’m me that everything is fine and I’ll start feeling better until someone else fronts and I watch from the background as she loathes me.”

“You don’t know that.” Rhett’s eyes were soft with empathy. Link glanced at them but couldn't maintain eye contact for more than a moment. He felt trapped in a labyrinth with no exit. Everything was strange and confusing and no matter which way he turned it was always the wrong direction. He felt guilty that he asked Rhett to carry this burden with him but he was too afraid to walk this road alone.

“You’ve got a date this afternoon,” Rhett reminded him. That’s right, Link thought. The ballet. Their revived annual tradition. With that looming over him it would be impossible to avoid Christy all day. Link picked up his empty coffee cup and stood.

“Alright,” Link said, his feet crossing the room despite his mind begging him to stop. He half wished he could have been frozen like he was that morning. At least then he’d have some feasible excuse not to talk.

As Link went to find his wife, Rhett stayed in his spot, knowing that this was a conversation Link and Christy needed to have without his interruption.

After a bit of searching, Link found Christy in the bedroom reading. Her face was so close to the pages of the book that Link wondered if she was actually reading the words or just staring at them. He sat down on the bed next to her. Christy didn’t look up.

“Hey…” Link said softly, not knowing quite how to begin.

“What’s up?” Christy asked, still not putting down the book.

“I’m…erm…I’m me again.”

Christy slowly lowered her book but didn’t look away from it.

“Is it going to stay that way, though?” she asked. Her tone was not harsh. Rather, she seemed intimidated.

“You know I can’t answer that,” Link replied.

Christy nodded.

“Where’s Rhett?”

“In the back office. Listen, I really am sorry about what happened earlier. I tried not to let him come out. He just…fought too hard against me.” Link wrung his hands together as he struggled to piece together the right words in the right order. Even as he did, though, he felt like the conversation was happening with reversed roles. Could he really offer an apology for something he couldn’t control? “I never mean to let them come out. They just do. You know I’m not doing this to you on purpose, right?”

“I know,” Christy said, and her hand reached over to take Link’s. She still couldn’t bring herself to look up. “I know,” she repeated.

Link squeezed her hand. “We’ve got a date in a couple of hours. We should probably get ready.”

“Yeah,” Christy said, finally meeting her husband’s gaze. “I’ll go start putting on my makeup. Are you going to dress up?”

“Naturally. I don’t want people wondering why someone as beautiful as you is wandering around with a lanky goof.” Link hoped the silly compliment would crack away some of the tension. He was right.

“You know no one would think that,” Christy said, the corners of her mouth pulling up in spite of herself. “You’re more handsome than anyone who has ever walked into that theater. I just don’t want to look overdone.”

“You say overdone, I say stunning.”

Christy’s small smile remained as she leaned over and kissed Link. Instead of pulling back after the normal little peck, she lingered with her lips pressed against his as if she was desperately trying to draw out something old, familiar, and missed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

And hour and a half later, Link and Christy were walking up the steps to the Dolby Theater in Los Angeles. Christy’s blonde hair was curled into loose waves that fell gracefully along the sides of her face. Her eyes glittered with golden eyeshadow and her black cocktail dress accented her form in the most perfect of ways. Link had dawned a button up shirt and tie with a suit vest that hung in the back of his closet untouched for the better part of its time under his ownership. Rhett, the saint that he was, had stayed behind to keep an eye on the kids.

At the beginning of the drive, all Link could think about was turning the car around and going home. After two panic attacks, a switch, and a depression that he couldn’t entirely shake, all he wanted to do was spend the rest of the day in bed. Thinking of Christy, however, he had forced himself out the door. By the time he arrived at the theater, he was glad he did. The buzz of the place refilled his energy and rekindled the spark of excitement for a Christmas date with is wife. It had been a long time since the two of them had gone out alone together. Maybe this was just what they needed to get back on track.

With help from an usher they found their seats in the right mezzanine. Couples and families around them wore dress casual attire and Link couldn’t help but feel a small bit of childish pride about how fancy he felt in comparison. Soon the lights dimmed and he a rush of excitement ran down his back as the orchestra began the overture. Christy squeezed Link’s hand tightly, looking up at him with sparkling eyes.

“It’s starting!” she whispered loudly and looked back at the stage. The sight of her unadulterated joy made Link’s heart flutter. Together, they watched ballerinas dance and twirl, performing amazing feats of grace and strength and spending so much time on the tips of their toes that it made Link’s feet hurt a little. He had always been impressed by the performers in North Carolina but the dancers on this stage made him feel like he was watching the Nutcracker for the first time. When the curtain dropped, he and Christy and the rest of the crowd were on their feet offering hoots and hollers and applause. As they walked from their seats to the crowded entrance hall, Christy was holding tight to Link’s arm and laughing.

“And that solo in the second act?” she said, listing off one of a string of moments she was giddily recounting. “How does someone hold such a perfect pose on one foot for so long? She has to have abs of steel!”

“Maybe she was held up by strings,” Link said. “Plot twist! We thought we were watching a ballet but it was really a marionette show the whole time!”

“That would be even more impressive,” Christy replied, pressing closer to Link in order to avoid bumping into a man with a brown coat. “Those would have to be some insanely coordinated puppeteers.”

The couple weaved their way through the chatty masses that lingered in the front hall and eventually escaped to their car. Somehow, though, the parking lot was even more clustered than the theater and Link grumbled as he inched his car to the back of a long line of vehicles all trying to make their way out.

“How are we moving so slow? Everyone is going the same way. It’s not that hard to get out of a parking lot.”

Christy stroked his arm.

“Oh hush. It just gives us more time together. It’s been really nice just being with you for a while.”

Link agreed with the statement, but the way she emphasized the word ‘you’ took away some of its sweetness.

As they slowly inched forward in the line of traffic, Link and Christy sat quietly and listened to the music streaming from Link’s phone. Christy seemed to be happily content but in the quiet Link’s mind began to wander to more worrisome places. Christy noticed the crinkle in his brow and turned down the music.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Link said. “Just…thinking.”

“Thinking about what?”

Part of Link was hesitant to share his thoughts, but instinct was stronger. For seventeen years she had been his loyal confidant. There wasn’t anything he hadn’t been able to tell her.

“What if…what if all this is fake?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what if this is all made up? What if I’m pretending and I don’t even know it? What if Mary is just humoring me because I pay her to agree with me? What if I don’t have a disorder at all?”

“Mary isn’t getting paid to agree with you,” Christy said. “She’s getting paid to help you get better. And she’s also not the one who diagnosed you. Why would you think you were faking?”

“Because…” Link paused. He tried to piece his next sentence together in the kindest way he could. “Because it all seems too…convenient. All of my alters, they sort of…they sort of say what I’m already thinking anyway. Like when Larnold got mad at Lily. I would have never called Lily what he did but when she was calling me crazy I got mad. What if he was just pretend? A scape goat? What if I convinced myself it wasn’t me saying those things so I wouldn’t feel bad saying it?”

“So you agree with everything your alters say?” Christy asked slowly.

“For the most part, I guess. I don’t disagree with them anyway. Not completely. They voice my hurt when I don’t know how to.”

Christy stiffened and moved away from her husband as much as the car seat would let her.

“So you think that you’d be better off picking up some random girl and getting me out of your life?”

“What?” Link exclaimed, almost missing that the car in front of him had stopped and slamming on the breaks just before rolling into their rear bumper. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t think I didn’t hear what you talked about in the kitchen. You want me gone. Rhett had to talk you down.”

“No, I didn’t say that,” Link scrambled. “Seaborne said that. I don’t want that at all. I love you, Christy. I love you more than life. You know that.”

“Do I though?” Her gaze was like cold steel as she leaned against the passenger side door.

“Seaborne’s just being a guard dog,” Link said, stealing Rhett’s words when he found himself at a lack of his own. “That’s his job or something. He’s like the boss. The protector.”

“Then we’re back to saying this isn’t fake? You can’t claim it both ways.”

“I just worry because if I actually have DID that means that something terrible really did happen to me when I was a kid. Something I don’t remember. And lately when my alters are out it feels like I’m there, too. I can see everything and hear everything. Our emotions sort of mix together. It’s confusing. Take this morning for example. I was unhappy and so Seaborne jumped up and tried to fix that unhappiness. But the hormones or whatever that built up when he was mad went into the body we share. So it was like I was feeling his anger, too.”

“He came out because you were unhappy. Does that mean you’re not happy with me anymore?”

“That’s not what I mean either!” Link was desperately grasping at straws, talking in circles that barely even made sense. Basic vocabulary slipped from his fingers as he frantically tried to make Christy understand. “I am happy with you. I’m just not happy with how I’ve been feeling lately. I feel like a monster around you.” His voice dropped to just barely a whisper. “I just want to feel normal.”

Christy relaxed her shoulders and sighed, anger sliding away at the sight of his sadness.

“I don’t want you to feel like a monster, Link. This is just scary for me. It hurts when I look at you and see someone else. I just want you to be you. Link Neal. My husband.”

“But they are me,” Link said, a quiet insistence in his tone. “Sort of. It’s the same brain. The same body. We’re all part of the same whole.”

“It still hurts that you can’t even feel comfortable enough to stay you when you’re around me.”

“Christy,” Link’s hope to make her understand was being crushed under her assumptions. “It’s not…I can’t control this. And it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around you or I don’t love you or—”

“I didn’t want to say this earlier,” Christy interrupted, “but I’ve been worrying that you’ve been faking, too.”

Link felt like his chest was going to crack in two. Expressing his own self doubts was one thing, but Christy questioning his honesty was completely different.

“It just seems so convenient,” Christy went on. “We have one of the biggest fights we’ve ever had on Thanksgiving and then everything just appears out of nowhere? You have alters that are making up excuses to lash out and to stay away from home?”

Link remembered arguing on Thanksgiving but he had no recollection of a fight of that scale. Then again, he didn’t really remember the day at all. Who had been out? Who had hurt her?

“Like the dog biscuit thing,” Christy continued. “You were home hours late with nothing but a box of dog biscuits. Then there’s the little kid who you talk about but I’ve never seen. I read up on this disorder. Almost everyone who has it has a child alter. You say you have one but he’s never fronted like the others have. Are you just making him up to reassure yourself that this isn’t fake?”

“No…Why would I…?” Link stopped. He couldn’t think of anything he could say that would lift them out of this pit he had dug them into. He was the one who had brought up the topic in the first place. How could he expect her or anyone to truly understand? She didn’t feel what he felt. How could he explain what was happening to him when he barely understood it himself?

“I’m scared, Link,” Christy finally confessed. “I’m scared of what’s growing between us. Pushing us apart.”

The car finally reached the parking lot exit and Link turned left toward the highway. There was definitely something separating the ground between them and Link didn’t know how to reach across the gap. He didn’t know if he had the power to build a bridge long enough. Deep down, though he would never admit it to himself, a part of him wondered if the distance between them was only growing from her end.

“I’m scared, too.”


	9. The Boy Who Came Out To Play

“What about this?” Link asked, pulling a container of silly putty from its hanging display.

“This isn’t my choice, man,” Rhett replied He was standing behind Link holding a basket full of seemingly unrelated trinkets. “This is your little kit. You pick what you think will work.”

“I don’t know what will work,” said Link, turning the packaging over in his hands to examine the back. “I’ve never done this before.” With a shrug, he dropped the silly putty in the basket with the rest of the odds and ends.

Christmas eve was perhaps the worst time for casual shopping but considering recent events, Link decided he could brave the crowds. The toy section of the supermarket had been picked fairly clean but Rhett and Link were confident they would find something that would work for what they were trying to make. While Rhett had been babysitting the younger generation of Neals, he took it upon himself to do some research on mental health and coping. What he had stumbled upon were self care boxes.

“So we need something for all the senses, right?” Link asked, looking into the basket and counting off its contents on his fingers. “Silly putty for touch, peppermints for taste, little crinkly dog toy for sound…is that the best we can do for sound?”

“We could try bells or something,” Rhett shrugged. “What noise do you think will help keep you grounded when you start to, you know, freak out?”

“Not bells,” Link said. “The last thing I want is for people to hear bells go off whenever I’m on the verge of a panic attack.”

Rhett picked the crinkle toy out of the box. It had the soft, outer layer of a plush pig doll but was flat and filled with a kind of plastic that crunched in your hand when you squeezed it. Rhett held the pigs head in one hand and danced it like a puppet near Link’s face.

“It’s so cute,” he teased. “Look at its happy little pig face. You can cuddle and crinkle it at the same time.” Link smacked it out of his and and back into the basket.

“You’re a jerk.”

“Yeah, but a handsome jerk. Are you still set on tiger balm for smell?”

“I told you,” Link stated firmly, “I’m not buying essential oils. I don’t care how much you love lavender, I don’t want to feel like a hippy at the check out.”

“Well excuse me for being secure enough in my manhood to admit that flowers smell nice,” replied Rhett with a grin. Link returned it and gave him a light elbow to the side.

“So all we need is sight,” Link said, turning his head to look up and down the aisle. “That’s sort of a hard one. What kind of thing do you look at to keep you calm?”

“Glitter? Glitter is happy.”

“So I’m just going to stare into a tube of glitter?”

“Hey, you asked for ideas.”

Link frowned and chewed his lip. “Let’s keep looking.”

The pair meandered through the toy section, dodging shoppers scrambling for the presents they had forgotten to buy earlier. Rhett watched Link’s decision making process with slight amusement as his dark haired friend picked up different toys, looked them over, set them down, and moved onto the next. Nothing seemed to be clicking until they passed by a display of generic plastic animals.

“That,” Link said definitively, pointing at a cheaply made triceratops.

“The dinosaur?” Rhett said, picking it up. “How is this better than glitter?”

“It just feels right. I think…I think Charlie wants it.”

“How do you know?”

“I felt him get excited. When I looked at it I got all happy. Well, he did. We did?” Link stumbled over pronouns before snatching the dinosaur out of Rhett’s hand. “Just put it in the basket already.”

“Hey, not judgements here,” said Rhett. “Trino Dino isn’t quite as cute as Mister Piggy Face, but if he makes Charlie happy…”

“Don’t name my toys, man.”

“Well someone has to. Toys deserve names.”

The shortest checkout line was seven people deep. For reasons Link couldn’t understand, the ‘ten items or fewer’ lanes weren’t open for the rush so he and Rhett were forced to stand behind people with carts that overflowed with wrapping paper and ingredients for Christmas dinner. Link tapped his foot impatiently.

“Oh yes, your kryptonite,” Rhett said. “Lines. Just the worst.”

“I don’t like waiting. Lane seven just moved forward. Do you think they’re going faster than us? Should we switch?”

“The second we go over there, this line is going to run like lightning and we’re going to be stuck behind a little old lady paying with a check.”

Link groaned and let his head drop back dramatically.

“I promise you’ll survive this,” Rhett laughed. “Believe in the me that believes in you.”

The men waited silently for a bit, observing the chaos around them.

“So I had an inside meeting last night,” Link said.

“Yeah?”

“Seaborne wants everyone to get time up front.”

“Yeah, he told me that, too,” Rhett replied. “I told him I’d work with you to schedule something.”

“He’s the only one really pushing for it, though. He says it will help us but Larnold and Susan and Charlie are all happy staying inside if that’s what keeps things calm at home.” He noted that he should probably feel more awkward than he did discussing alters as if they were external family or friends, but the more contact he shared with them the more naturally these types of conversations flowed.

“Are they really happy?” Rhett asked. “Or are they just trying to make you happy? I feel like there’s a difference.”

“That…is a good question,” Link said, his shoulders drooping in embarrassment that he hadn’t considered that possibility.

“Obviously they want to keep you safe. That’s what they’re around for, but they deserve a little care, too. They're important,” Rhett said. They moved forward with the line. “They’re important to you and important to me, too.”

“Really?” Link asked, a little stunned. Sure, Rhett had been unwaveringly supportive but Link had never assumed that Rhett cared for the alters themselves.

“Yeah, really,” Rhett said, shrugging as though it were obvious. “They saved your life. From what, we don’t know. But they’re obviously here because you needed them. They took care of my buddy. That makes them pretty great in my book.”

Five separate bubbles of happiness warmed Link at once.

“I’m looking forward to meeting the rest of them," Rhett continued. "Like maybe Charlie some day.” He picked up the plastic dinosaur and danced it in the air. Link grabbed the toy but didn’t put it back in the basket. His fingers just didn’t seem to want to let it go.

“I’m not going to make you spend time with Charlie,” Link said. “You already babysat my kids this week. You don’t need to babysit me, too.”

“How old is he? Six?” Rhett asked. Link nodded. “Alright then. He can talk, he’s potty trained, everything’s good.”

“Yeah, we’ll see about that,” Link chuckled. Simultaneously he worked to stifle his own nervousness and the rush of excitement that flowed from somewhere else inside. He would need to talk to Charlie about this later.

“Anything else happen at your little round table?”

“Fireplace.”

“What?”

“We meet in chairs by a fireplace, not a table."

“I was just using a figure of speech,” Rhett said, “but that’s actually pretty adorable. What else did you guys discuss?”

“Mostly just that. And they all assured me that they are not, in fact, made up.”

“Made up?” Rhett raised an eyebrow. “Was that ever a question?"

Link’s eyes darted away. He hadn’t told Rhett about his conversation with Christy on their drive home the day before. He didn’t even know what he would say if he did. He was certainly hurt. Angry on some levels. But at the same time, he couldn’t blame Christy one bit for the way she felt. How would he react if their places were switched? Every fear she had voiced was valid and understandable. Even though it stung his heart to the core, he knew that much was true.

“Hey!” Link exclaimed, changing the subject with a complete lack of grace. “It’s our turn. Let’s buy some anti-crazy gear.”

“Link you’re not…” Rhett began, but Link cut him off with a small amount of agitation.

“Dude, it’s a joke. It’s funny.”

“My apologies. Guffaw.”

Link gave Rhett an unamused glance before he pushed his credit card into the chip reader at the checkout. In only a few minutes, they were out at Rhett’s car and on their way back to the Neal household.

No one but Jade met them at the door. Each child was preoccupied with one electronic or another and the aroma floating out from the kitchen told the men that Christy was hard at work baking cookies for the next day.

“That smells great, babe!” Link said, peaking in to see her at work.

“Thanks,” she replied, sliding on an oven mitt and opening the oven. “Gotta have cookies ready for Santa, right?”

“Peanut butter?” Link said hopefully.

“Naturally,” said Christy, pulling out the baking sheet and doing a small twirl to display her work. “Made from scratch!”

“You’re the best.” Link gave her a kiss and closed the oven as Christy began moving the cookies from the sheet to the cooling rack.

“You’re darn right I am. Did you get the stuff for your ‘stay with us’ kit?”

“The self care kit?” Link said, subtly correcting her phrasing. “Yeah. Hopefully we won’t need to find out if it works any time soon, but we’ve got it just in case.”

“That’s good,” Christy said encouragingly. “I think it’s good that you’re finding these coping skills to help you out.”

“Excuse me,” Rhett chimed in. “I was the one who found them, thank you very much.” He moved to grab a cookie and jerked his hand away when his fingers burned on their surface.

“That’s what you get for being impatient,” Christy said, giving Rhett’s chest a playful push.

“I’m going to go put these upstairs in the bedroom,” Link said. “I’ll be right back down.”

Upstairs, Link arranged his new tools on his bedside table for easy access. There was no way to make the random assortment look especially neat, but he did the best he could. Despite his wild demeanor, he took a certain level of pride in keeping his home tidy.

He went to place the plastic dinosaur as a backdrop to the mints, putty egg, balm and crinkle toy but, just like at the store, his fingers simply would not let it go.

As he looked at the toy, push that felt like a plea lingered in Link’s chest. He eyed the bedroom door wearily and looked back at the toy.

"You want to front and play, don't you?" Link asked aloud to the boy inside.

Yes!

“If I let you out, are you going to be ok?” There was a bubble of eager excitement. Link eyed the door again and then looked at the bathroom.

“Five minutes, ok? We’ll go in the bathroom so no one knows. You can play with the toy for five minutes. Do you promise to go back in after that?”

Yes!

“Alright.” Link set a timer on his phone, slipped into the bathroom, and closed his eyes. In only a moment, Charlie’s presence filled Link’s large body and hugged the dinosaur close.

“I promise to be super secret,” he whispered to Link who watched a bit trepidatiously from inside. Charlie appreciated having Link's presence so close to the surface. The body was big, something that was much more intimidating than he thought it would be, but having Link in tight co-consciousness put the child at ease.

Quietly but happily, Charlie trotted the plastic toy along the tile floor, making it roar and charge at scary enemies such as the corner of the sink. Playing alone was lonely, but he was grateful to be able to play on the outside at all so it didn't really matter. He giggled and moved the dinosaur's path to a higher level, making it march across the rim of the jacuzzi sized bathtub and head butting a bottle of shaving cream off the edge.

Be careful please.

“Sorry,” Charlie said sincerely. He moved the dinosaur back to the floor. Time was almost up. Although he wasn’t the best with numbers, he could see that the phone timer was quickly approaching zero.

“Hey, Link?” came Rhett’s muffled voice from the bedroom. Charlie’s chest seized and he scrambled against the wall furthest from the door.

“I gotta be super secret,” he whispered to himself and to Link. “I’m gonna be super secret. I—”

The phone alarm began to chime. Charlie closed his eyes and held his breath, hoping futility to become invisible or that maybe Rhett couldn’t hear the sound. In his panic, all sight to the inside world was gone. The house, the yard, even Link had vanished. It was just him and his dinosaur. Tears began to build in his eyes. Rhett knocked on the bathroom door.

“You ok in their buddy? Christy and I thought maybe you got lost on your way back to the kitchen." When there was no reply he knocked again, a level of concern in his voice. “Link?” He hesitantly opened the bathroom door, not wanting to walk in on anything private but not wanting to walk away from a potential crisis. When he spotted Link sitting teary eyed with his knees to his chest against the wall, he quickly opened the door the rest of the way and grabbed the phone off the floor to silence it. “Link?” he asked again. This time it was a question of his mental presence, but he knew his friend was not there. The eyes looking up at him were the eyes of a child.

Charlie shook his head no in response to the name and stared up at Rhett’s towering figure with those wide, scared eyes.

“Charlie?”

Charlie nodded.

“I promised Link I’d be secret,” he said, choking back tears. “I promised to go back in when the phone rang. I promised no one would know.” His voice slowly grew louder, inching closer and closer to a frightened breakdown. Rhett lowered himself slowly to the floor in front of where Charlie sat.

“Hey buddy, no tears. It’s ok. I’ll keep the secret. You’re not in trouble, promise.”

“Promise promise?” Charlie asked, the panic backing out of his voice. He gave a small sniffle.

“Promise promise.” Rhett held up his pinky finger, something he often did with his own sons to reassure them. Charlie slowly reached up and wrapped his own pinky around Rhett’s, sealing their deal. Rhett wiped away the tears brimming from Charlie’s eyes.

“Can Link hear us right now?”

“I don’t think so,” Charlie replied softly. “I wanna go back in now.”

“But you can’t?”

“Link's gone and the house is gone and it's scary. Christy’s going to be mad.” The threat of tears was rising in his voice again and Rhett hastily shushed them away.

“Christy won’t be mad. We’ll find out how to get you back in and if she finds out, I’ll just explain that a very nice young man wanted some time to play with his toy. It’ll be ok.”

Charlie smiled for only a moment, and then his eyes shot to the door.

“Rhett,” Christy said from behind him, “what’s going on?”

“Um…well…this is Charlie,” Rhett said, motioning to the frightened man on the floor. “And he came out to play, but it’s ok because we’re his friends, right?” He emphasized the last word heavily, hoping desperately that Christy would play along. A scared child in Link’s body was jarring to everyone involved, and extra stress was certainly not going to help anyone.

“He’s Charlie. Well isn't that convenient?” Christy sighed. Rhett raised an eyebrow to her reaction but decided it was best not to ask what she meant. “Rhett, I need to talk to my husband alone.”

“Link’s gone, Miss Christy,” Charlie said, holding his dinosaur tight. “I don’t know where he went. I can’t see inside.”

“Rhett,” Christy insisted as if Charlie hadn't spoken at all, “go downstairs.”

“I really don’t think—” Rhett began.

“I don’t care what you think. Let me talk to my husband.” There was no patience in her voice. Rhett stood hesitantly and moved toward the door. He left the bathroom and stepped far enough into the bedroom to be out of sight. From this spot, he stayed and listened.

“Link,” Christy said softly, kneeling in front of the body she could only see as her husband's, “I need you to snap out of this.”

“I don’t know how,” Charlie replied.

“Link, I know you’re in there…”

“He’s not. Link’s not there.”

“…and I need you to come out,” Christy said without missing a beat. “It’s Christmas Eve. Please baby.”

“Will you be my friend until Link comes back?”

Christy took Charlie’s face in her hands and looked deeply into his eyes. “Link, come back to me. These people, they’re not real. They’re just an extension of you.”

“I am to real,” Charlie said sounding confused.

"Link, honey, no," Christy said, trying to sound compassionate. "This is all in your head. You need to fight this."

"Yes I am real!" Charlie yelled, jerking his head back from Christy’s gentle touch.

“You’re a broken part of my husband’s brain,” Christy barked back, her fear and discomfort manifesting as a flash of anger. “You’re not a actual person. You’re not real.”

“I’m real!” Charlie shouted and threw his toy as hard as he could, sending it flying into the bedroom. He stood and ran to the bathroom closet, grabbing a handful of towels and tossing them to the floor. Tears were streaming down his face. There was no stopping this tantrum. “I just wanna play.” He pulled more towels from their neatly folded place on the shelf. “I just wanna be friends!”

"You want to be friends?” Christy scoffed. “Well, friends don’t throw friends’ towels on the floor.” She picked one up and tossed it over Charlie’s head. Although there was no pain, he cried out anyway. Then, in a motion of adult coordination, Link’s hand ripped the towel from his head and threw it back at Christy.

“Did you really just throw something at him?” Link asked in a falsely high voice.

“Who are you now?”

“I’m Susan and I’m going to kick your ass if you ever raise your voice to Charlie again.”

“Woah!” Rhett said, appearing suddenly between the two, arms extended toward them both. “No one’s doing anything to anyone. We just need some time to cool down. Link—”

“Susan!”

“—Susan, maybe it would be best if you stayed at my place tonight.”

Christy looked at Rhett as though he had stabbed her. “But it’s Christmas Eve.”

“And we’ll be back first thing in the morning, but I think some time to clear your heads would be good for everyone.”

“I think that sounds like a great idea,” Susan said, shooting daggers at Christy which she returned in abundance.

“Yeah, swell,” Christy huffed. “While he’s clearing his head, ask if he can evict these assholes who threaten me and curse at our children.” Christy stormed out of the room leaving Rhett and Susan alone along with the remnants of tension she left behind. There was a long, awkward silence as both Rhett and Susan tried to figure out what to say next.

“Well,” Susan said slowly, “I guess…let’s go then.” She crossed her arms protectively in front of her and looked down at the floor.

“Should we bring the self care stuff to help Link get back?” Rhett asked, not sure if this question was offensive or not.

“Don’t bother,” Susan shrugged. "I know where he is. He pretty messed up right now. Larnold and Seaborne are helping calm him and Charlie down. I’ll let him back up front when he says he’s ready.”

“Alright,” Rhett said. He didn’t understand how something so complex could be happening all at once but he didn’t really understand much of anything these days. He just had to trust that Link and his alters were doing what was best. “Let’s get clothes and stuff packed for tomorrow and head out.”

“Go ahead and start the car. I’ll be down in a minute.” When Rhett hesitated Susan added, “I don’t like the cold. It’ll make me feel better if the car is warm.”

Rhett nodded and made his way downstairs leaving Susan alone to gather herself and prepare for the night away from home.


	10. The Girl With The Warning

Susan looked around Rhett McLaughlin’s home, a place foreign to her but familiar to Link. She used his memories to find where Rhett kept the cups and poured herself a glass of ice water. Now she wandered in lazy circles around the carpeted living room, taking a sip from her glass every time she passed the corner of the coffee table where she had set it down. Everything felt confusing and foreign to her. Not just the house, but the man who lived there as well. He seemed guarded around her for some reason. And then there was Christy’s anger. Other than the incident that had passed an hour before, Susan had never consciously done anything to offend her. Yelling at her in defense of Charlie was justified, wasn’t it? So why had Christy been so cruel?

Deep inside, she could feel Link and Charlie crying. This, at least, she knew how to handle. Putting a hand over her heart, she joined Larnold’s and Seaborne’s efforts to provide comfort.

“It’s going to be ok,” she whispered. She patted her chest lightly as if she were patting the back of a distressed child. “Just rest. I’m going to take care of you. I’ve got the body. We’re safe at Rhett’s house. We can all rest now. I’m going to keep us safe.”

As she continued her gentle mantra, Rhett walked into the room. His hair was still wet from the shower and he wore a plain t-shirt with grey sweatpants. He paused when he heard Susan’s muttering. Not sure if questions were appropriate or if he should even be around for what was happening, he quietly made to exit the room. Susan turned and answered his unspoken inquiry before he could make it back out the door.

“I’m helping Link. He’s still…he’s not quite ok.”

“I bet,” Rhett said, still awkwardly lingering near the doorframe. “Today got kind of intense.”

“I was only trying to help,” Susan said defensively.

“I know,” Rhett said. “But, maybe next time we help without yelling and making threats?”

Susan looked defiant for a moment before accepting the truth in Rhett’s words. “You’re right,” she sighed. “Shit. Do you think I messed up their marriage?”

“I really can’t say.” Rhett scratched the back of his head, running his fingers nervously through damp hair. “I’d like to think that Christy will come back around, but…”

“But I crossed a big line,” Susan finished his sentence.

“Yeah.”

“Should I apologize? Or would that make things worse?”

“I don’t really know the answer that either,” Rhett admitted, sitting down on the couch and leaning forward, his forearms draped over his knees. “Normally I’d say yes but with the way she reacts around you guys I don’t know if talking to her would be better than giving her space. This is all weird. For everyone.” He looked up sharply, realizing what he had just said. “Not that you’re weird. I didn’t mean that to be negative. Everything is just happening really fast and—”

“No,” Susan said with a reassuring smile. There was still sadness in her eyes. “I understand. Honestly it’s weird for us, too. We’ve just been around in the background for decades. When we decided to come forward like this it shook everyone up more than we expected. Even when Link was little we were never this open about our existence. We’d come out when we had to but each of us mastered being little Link. No one knew we were there, and since we hid our memories from Link he never knew about us either. So yeah, weird for everyone sounds about right.”

Susan wrapped her arms around herself and dropped next to Rhett on the couch, her gaze at her feet. “I just wish Christy would accept us. Link loves her so much. According to Seaborne and Larnold, maybe too much.” Rhett gave her a defensive look and Susan quickly added, “They’ve never been great with the whole emotion bit. They’re very much the type to cut and run at the first sign of trouble.” Rhett relaxed slightly at this and Susan continued. “We were made to help Link. That’s all we’re here for. That’s why we were all born. Link went through…some not great stuff. A lot of not great stuff. He couldn’t get away on his own so we helped him. Now he’s at a point where we figured he was safe and supported and healthy enough for us to come forward and help him learn the truth. We just didn’t expect…”

“Didn’t expect people to be surprised?” Rhett asked.

“Didn’t expect people to be mean,” Susan said. “I can empathize I guess. Having multiple identities isn’t exactly normal and I’m sure none of you have encountered this before but…but…” She leaned into Rhett’s chest, tears brimming in her eyes. “Why does she hate us so much?”

Instinctively, Rhett’s body stiffened at Susan’s forwardness. He put his hands on her shoulders and lifted her away just enough for him to scoot out from under her head, putting distance between the two of them. Susan jumped up and turned to face him, harshly brushing her tears away with the back of her hand.

“Are you kidding me?” she barked.

“That wasn’t meant to hurt your feelings,” Rhett explained.

“No, you’re just pushing me away when I feel hopeless and confused and need some comfort. You’re supposed to be the one who gives a shit about us.”

“Susan,” Rhett said, trying to keep his voice balanced and reasonable, “you’re a young woman. I’m here for you but I don’t think it’s a great idea if we get all cuddly on the couch.”

“I wasn’t coming on to you or anything. God. Besides, it’s not like I’m some underaged kid. I’m nineteen.”

“I’m not really sure if that makes it better.”

Susan squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her brow with the heals of her hands. Then she took a seat in the recliner farthest from the couch.

“Better?” she snapped.

“Yes, actually,” Rhett replied. “I respect your boundaries and the boundaries of all the alters. Is it unfair that I ask you to respect mine?”

Another moment of defiance and then the tension released from Susan’s shoulders. She curled her legs up onto the chair. “No,” she mumbled, embarrassed. “It’s fair.” She picked at the legs of her jeans to avoid looking at Rhett. Rhett ran his hand through his hair and turned his gaze to the coffee table in front of him. Tension built around them. Neither wanted to leave but neither knew how to navigate forward. If this were Link, Rhett would know exactly what to say. But this wasn’t Link. It was Link’s body, yes, but the voice, the way of speaking, the body language…those all belonged to Susan. A pit built in Rhett’s stomach as the silence dragged on. He loved his friend which meant he was going to love his alters as well, but after over thirty years of just knowing Link as Link he couldn’t deny that seeing a stranger in Link’s body wasn’t at least a little disturbing. He didn’t agree with Christy’s behavior at all, but he could see where it came from. If this was upsetting for him, how terrifying must it be for her?

“So what now?” Susan asked. Rhett snapped out of his thoughts and his mind went to a question he’d been meaning to address for a while now.

“Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“You can ask,” said Susan, still playing with the hem of her jeans. “I might not have an answer, though.”

Rhett chewed his lip nervously before he spoke.

“Your name. I know that Charlie’s name comes from Link’s. Link’s mom is named is Sue. Are you…?”

“Named after her?” Susan finished for him. “Yeah.”

“Does that mean she…did Sue hurt him?”

“That’s a pretty personal question, don’t you think?” Susan asked, looking up at Rhett with icy cold eyes. Rhett turned red and pushed himself back into the couch as much as he could. Susan looked away again.

“You’re fine,” she said. “No, Sue never hurt Link. It was worse than that. She knew. She knew what was happening and she never did anything. That’s why I was born. Seaborne told her what was happening time and time again, but when Link fronted he denied the abuse because he didn’t remember it. Sue took the inconsistency as an excuse to pretend everything was fine. Sometimes she would punish him for lying. Link didn’t understand what was happening. He just took the spanking and sat in time out and wondered what he had done wrong.” Susan’s hands balled into fists as she spoke. “I came in when the body was four. I was the female comfort and protection Sue never provided. That and…” Her voice trailed off and she wrapped her arms around her knees. “That and bad people can’t touch a girl the way they can touch a boy.”

Four years old. Rhett thought he was going to be sick. Four years old and Link had already endured enough abuse that his brain had split twice. Rhett didn’t ask any more details. He didn’t know if he could handle them. In that moment he was grateful that he had decided not to visit North Carolina with his family. He might have marched over to the Neal’s house right then and there.

“Rhett,” Susan said. Her voice sounded small. So much smaller than moments before. When Rhett looked up he saw fear in her eyes.

“Seaborne is going to tell him,” Susan said. “Not all of it, but Seaborne thinks it’s time that Link knows at least some of what happened. He thinks it’s time Link understood why we’re here.”

“Link is still getting adjusted to the idea of you,” Rhett replied. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“No,” Susan shrugged, “but I’m not the memory holder. It’s not my choice to make.”

“Can you ask Seaborne to wait until he’s with Mary? Or at least hold off until after the holidays? Please give Link just a few happy days to celebrate before he gets hit with this.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Susan promised. “Link’s ready to come out now. Can you turn away? It’s still not easy to get back inside. Being watched makes me nervous.”

“Yeah, of course,” Rhett stammered and turned so that his back was facing the recliner. After a short pause, Link’s tired voice came like music to Rhett’s ears.

“I’m me again.”

Rhett turned back around. “Hey buddy,” he said with a grin. “How are you feeling?”

“Like crap,” Link admitted. “Tired. Confused. My head hurts.”

“Do you want some Advil or something?”

Link shook his head. “It never works for switch headaches. Some water would be nice, though.”

Rhett grabbed the cup Susan had been drinking from. It was still mostly full. He handed it to Link who drank all of it in just a few gulps.

“How much did you hear?” Rhett asked when Link was finished.

“Everything, I think,” Link replied. “Charlie was out. Then Susan. She told you about my mom.”

“Did you know about that? About Sue knowing?”

“I mean, sort of. I remember that there were times that she seemed to get angry out of nowhere. It was scary, you know? I never knew why she got so mad. I guess I do now.” Link adjusted so that his legs were hanging over the front of the chair rather then curled up to him like Susan had positioned herself.

“And did you get the last bit?” Rhett asked

“There’s more?”

Rhett rubbed his thumb against the palm on his opposite hand. “Susan said that Seaborne was going to show you memories soon. I asked her if she could convince him to wait a while, but I don’t know if that will work.”

“I don’t remember her saying that,” said Link, seeming more troubled by the lost time than the thought of his trauma being revealed to him. He changed the subject. “Thanks for taking such good care of Charlie and Susan. I’m not really sure what happened there. I just got cut off.”

“Hey, man, no worries. I told you, I’m here for you.”

Link nodded. “It’s funny, you know. I have these internal meetings with the alters, I can feel their emotions while they’re inside me, but I never feel like I really know them until they’re out front. Inside Susan barely says anything. She’s sulky and has this angsty teen vibe about her. But when she’s out she’s so much kinder. Her desire to protect and comfort all of us is all encompassing, and yet she’s also nervous and really unsure of herself. It’s strange how complex they all are. I guess I sort of expected them to be more one dimensional. Everything I’ve read gives alters very specific roles. Protecter. Care giver. Trauma holder. I thought it was simple but the system is so much more than that. It’s like they really are people. Real people who make mistakes and have goals and desires and…all of it. And I can’t always see all of it. You’d think since we shared a brain I’d have more insight into them but I don’t. I only really glimpse the true them when I’m on the inside looking out.”

“Maybe that’s why Seaborne keeps suggesting that everyone get some time up front,” Rhett offered. “Maybe he knows that’s the fastest way for you guys to grow closer.”

“Maybe,” Link mused, lost in his thoughts.

“I’ve got the guest room all ready to go,” Rhett said. “I threw some extra blankets in there after I got out of the shower. And, um…” he looked embarrassed. “I put a teddy bear on the bed. Just in case Charlie comes back out. So he can have something to make him feel more at home.”

Link chuckled and shook his head.

“You do too much for me, Rhett.”

“You’re my best friend. I do just enough for you.” He stood, groaning as he reached up and leaned back, stretching his back. “We really should head to bed, though. I promised Christy we’d be over there bright and early.”

“Yeah, I’m going to need a long night’s sleep before facing home again.”

An empathetic pang hit Rhett’s chest.

“Tomorrow will be good. For everyone. Don’t give up, ok buddy?”

“Sure,” Link said, standing, the emptiness in his voice making his words all but convincing


	11. The Man With the Quiet Mind

“Oi! Wake up, man. We gotta get to your place in time for breakfast.”

Rhett flicked the light switch and threw a pillow at Link’s face. Link groaned in protest and used the pillow to hide his eyes from the light.

“Seriously, you need to get up. Did you not set your alarm?”

“No,” came Link’s muffled voice from beneath the pillow.

“Twenty minutes. You can use my hair stuff if Susan forgot to pack yours. Let’s go.”

Rhett left Link alone and Link slowly lifted himself up to greet the morning. Christmas morning. It was the first Christmas he could ever remember not waking up at his parent’s house to the smell of pancakes, eggs, and far too much bacon. There would be no snow on the ground or below freezing wind for him to complain about. The tree that he had decorated with his family every year stood displayed in a house an entire country’s length away. Or did it? Without his annual visit with Christy and the kids, would his parents have gone through the effort of putting it up? Whether they had or hadn’t, Link couldn’t decide which thought depressed him more.

With no enthusiasm, Link made his way to the main bathroom to shower. He hadn’t brought his own soap or loofa so he settled with squirting some of Rhett’s body wash into his hands and slathering himself with that. Susan had packed pomade, his toothbrush, and a clean set of clothes but left behind deodorant, his razor, and all other standard tools for bodily hygiene. He wondered if it had simply slipped her mind or if she was avoiding anything that would remind her of the male body she was forced to inhabit. Instinctively, he directed this question inside and waited for Susan to answer but he found his mind unnervingly quiet. Not only could he not sense the alters’ emotions or thoughts, but he couldn’t feel their presence at all. He had to concentrate to even visualize the porch and when he finally did he found himself alone. In the quiet he observed the surroundings. His inner space had changed again. The forest surrounding the neatly mowed property had grown. There was no end to the trees as they stretched into the distance. It felt like a defensive wall. His fortress made of nature. Still, even though he felt more protected, the distinct absence of others was unnerving.

Link decided to leave his morning stubble in lieu of using Rhett’s razor and opted to wait until he returned home to put on his own deodorant. Doing his best with what he could, he styled his hair, brushed his teeth, and changed into his clean set of clothes. When he met Rhett in the entryway Rhett was leaning against the wall and tapping the side of his leg impatiently. He straightened when he saw Link.

“Let’s go!” Rhett insisted and grabbed his keys off the hook by the door. Link followed in silence and threw his backpack into the back seat of the car before settling into the passenger’s seat. He gazed out the window and wrung his hands together absentmindedly but said nothing as Rhett backed out of the driveway and drove down the neighborhood street.

“How are you doing?” Rhett asked after a few minutes. Link shrugged.

“Still a little raw from last night, to be honest. Or maybe I’m just bummed about being here and not at home.”

“How are things…er…inside?”

“Quiet. Why? Do you know something I don’t?” Link spit out the second part of his answer at a surprising speed. Rhett looked taken off guard at his friend’s level of worry and tried to think of an answer that would help put him at ease.

“Susan said she’d talk to Seaborne to give you some peace over the holiday,” he offered. “Maybe quiet time is what they decided on.”

“Yeah, maybe. It’s weird though,” Link admitted. “I got so used to having them with me all the time. I feel cut off.”

“I’m sure they’ll come back if you really need them. But for now just try and enjoy today as much as you can. You still have Christy and the kids. I don’t have any of my family.”

“You’re not allowed to put that on me,” Link said. “You chose to stay. I didn’t. It’s not the same.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Rhett said sighed. It was getting difficult to pick his words lately. “I was just pointing out that you’re not alone. Sure you’re not with your folks but you’ve got your family. And you’ve got me.”

These words were obviously the right ones. A wave of contentment visibly passed over his friend. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I have a good feeling about today,” said Rhett.

“I think I do, too.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

At the Neal home, Rhett and Link were met with an enthusiasm Link had missed dearly. Tail wagging wildly, Jade ran up with Lando and Lincoln who both jumped and wrapped their arms as tightly around their father’s waist as they could. Even Lily offered a smile and a “hey dad” as she passed by. Encouraged by this and a quick squeeze on the shoulder from Rhett, Link braved his way into the house to find his wife. She hadn’t messaged him once during his night away. Admittedly he hadn’t made any effort to reach out to her either, but he had held out in hopes that Christy would make the first move and apologize. Maybe he was just being stubborn, but it didn’t feel right that he should be the one to breach the silence.

Christy wasn’t in the kitchen, the office, or the living room. It was only when Link went upstairs to put on the deodorant that he’d left behind that he found her standing like a statue in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. When she heard Link approach, she turned and ran to him, flinging her arms around his neck. Startled, Link dropped the backpack full of yesterday’s clothes that he’d brought up with him onto the floor. Then, slowly and cautiously, he put his arms around his wife.

“I’m so sorry,” Christy whispered into his neck. “I’m so so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”

A damp feeling on his shirt told him she was crying. He tightened his hold on her, hugging her sincerely now. He hadn’t really known what to prepare for when he reunited with his wife. He had considered the possibility that she would still be angry or even that she may flip the situation, asking Link to console her in a way he wasn’t sure he had the energy to do. Despite her tears, however, she didn’t seem to need comforting. They were not the tears of a martyr. They were the tears of genuine apology.

“We’re going to be ok,” Christy said without letting go, taking a stance on a question neither of them wanted to ask. Her voice was shaky, but her resolve was not. She nuzzled closer into the nape of Link’s neck and he put one hand on the back of her head.

“Of course we are,” he whispered back. He was surprised he could give this reply so honestly. The cycle of support and hurt had been spinning so rapidly between them that a tiny part of him wondered if this wasn’t just another turn of the wheel. Most of him, though, wasn’t ready to give up. If she could meet him half way like this, even if she never really found a way to understand him, they could make this work. Her love and support was all he needed, but he needed it dearly.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A few hours later, Link, Christy, and Rhett sat in the living room surrounded by opened boxes and happy children. Next to Rhett was a trash bag filled with balls of torn wrapping paper from unwrapped gifts. The adults chatted as easily as ever and the kids enjoyed the newness of their presents. Lily had already lost herself in her new novel and Lando and Lincoln worked together to build Lando’s new lego set. Christy sported a new silver necklace from Link and Link held a stack of obnoxiously colored graphic t-shirts on his lap.

“I hope you like your sweater,” Christy said to Rhett for the third time. “I didn’t have a lot of time to get you a present.”

“I love it!” Rhett reassured her. “I’ve never really been a sweater guy before but you know, I think I just might start.”

“Which is good,” Link said, “because I didn’t even think about getting you something so Christy would blame me forever if you ended up not liking it.”

“It’s true,” Christy nodded. “I’m the only considerate one.”

“Well it looks like I know who the real best friend is now,” Rhett chuckled.

“Dad!” Lando called from the floor. “Come help us! This part’s hard.”

Link lowered himself down onto the floor with his boys and took the instructions from them, trying not to look intimidated by the overwhelming amount of small parts that had to go together just right. To avoid looking confused, he coached the boys as best as he could and corrected them gently when they made mistakes he definitely would have made on his own.

Christy’s cellphone rang and she excused herself from the room. Rhett watched the lego builders from the couch instead of joining them on the floor. Forty year old joints simply weren’t meant for sitting cross legged on the ground, although Link didn’t seem to care.

A few minutes passed and Christy appeared in the doorway, waving her phone in the air.

“Honey,” she said to Link, “your folks want to say hi.”

“Grandma and grandpa?” Lily yelled, dropping her book and leaping out of her chair. Lincoln and Lando were instantly distracted from their nearly finished lego creation.

“We wanna talk!” Lincoln cried out. Link smiled at their enthusiasm.

“I guess I should go last,” he said as all three kids rushed to their mother and reached for the phone. Christy instructed the three of them to stand in a line and handed the phone to Lando first. The six year old spouted excitedly about his presents and let his grandparents know that his breakfast was just ok and he wanted extra pancakes from grandma next year. The phone passed from hand to hand, each child giving love and sharing stories, until finally it was Link’s turn to say hi.

He hadn’t expected taking the phone to be so difficult.

“Dad,” Lily said, extending the cell toward him in her hand. “Just take it. Jeeze.”

Link took the phone from his daughter and exited to the kitchen.

“Hey pops,” Link said, and he was greeted by his father’s low, southern drawl. “Yeah, things have been great. I’m doing well. Yes. I promise. The weather is fine. Pretty sunny today, actually.” Link continued to with his father, but the conversation felt hollow somehow. The call seemed to act as a punctuation of his absence. Link’s father passed off the phone to his wife and Sue’s voice came loudly through the earpiece.

“Merry Christmas, Sugarpie!” she said in a thrilled voice. “It is so good to hear from you. We miss you so much down here.”

“I miss you too, Ma,” Link said, her joyous tone causing some of his grief to fade away. “How is everything? Is the tree up?”

“Oh, no. Not this year,” his mother replied. “We thought it was just going to be your dad and me so we decided to keep things simple.” Link’s heart sank a bit as he envisioned their home free of any traditional decoration. As before, though, he wasn’t sure the alternative would have made him feel any different.

“What do you mean ‘you thought it would be’?” Link asked, not having missed his mother’s odd phrasing.

“Your uncle and the cousins decided to make a surprise visit this year,” Sue explained jovially. ‘Cousins’ was a broad term used in their family. It was applied to any family member that didn’t have a short and sweet title in terms of relation. Anyone who wasn’t a mom, dad, uncle, or aunt was automatically a cousin.

“So just David and the boys?” Link asked, referring to his uncle and his uncle's sons.

“Them and cousin Jake and cousin Cory. They all send their love and miss you very very much. They’re sad that they came by on the one year you decided to stay home.” Link flinched at this. He didn’t need that extra heap of guilt.

“Cory says not to worry though,” Sue continued. “You’re still his favorite cousin.”

Link felt a dull pain on the inside of his thigh and stretched it as best he could while he continued to chat with this mother. Maybe sitting on the floor hadn’t been a great idea after all.

After a few more pleasantries, Sue’s voice got serious.

“Link, honey,” she said. “We just want you to know that you’re welcome home any time. We want you to feel safe coming here.”

His pelvic ache throbbed again and he rubbed his thigh with he free hand to try to make it go away.

“Thanks, Ma,” Link replied. “We’ll be up next year. I promise.”

“That would be so nice.”

Link sent his love to the family and hung up the phone after an extended goodbye. He stretched his leg again but it seemed like he was going to feel sore for a while longer. The boys were just going to have to finish building on their own.

Link walked back toward the living room to return Christy’s phone but was cut off by Lily who stood in front of him, blocking him from the hallway and looking sheepish.

“Dad,” she began before Link could ask anything. “I…erm…I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what, sweetheart?” Link asked.

“For everything,” Lily replied. “For saying those mean things and being such a bitch lately.”

“Lily, don’t—”

“No, dad, I’ve been a bitch. It was on purpose so I don’t feel bad saying it. It’s just that ever since this whole thing started I’ve been scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Of you. I mean…not like _you_ you. But, losing you. Having you change. I don’t want to lose my dad.”

“Lily,” Link said, putting both of his hands on his daughter’s shoulders. “You will never lose me. No matter what happens with the alters or whatever else, I’m still here. I’m still me, and I will always always love you. That hasn’t changed one bit.”

Lily leaned forward into her father’s chest and he enveloped her in a reassuring hug.

“I’m sorry Christmas wasn’t great this year,” Link said. Lily backed out of the hug and looked up at him with a half grin. 

“I mean, it wasn’t that bad I guess,” she said. Link returned her smirk and they went to the living room together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your patience as I worked to put this chapter together. Mental health had to take priority for a bit but it feels good to be writing again. Love to you all :)


	12. The Man Who Let Go

_“Attention. Do not leave baggage unattended. For security reasons, baggage left unattended will be removed and destroyed.”_

The announcement had played five or six times since Rhett and Link had had arrived at the Bob Hope airport. The two sat together in chairs near the baggage claim where Jessie, Shepherd, and Locke would be meeting them any moment. Jessie had texted Rhett when their plane had touched down on the runway. The flight was booked full and the airport was bustling so it would probably take at least thirty minutes for Rhett’s family to finally join them. All they had to do was wait.

Rhett scrolled mindlessly through his phone, one leg jiggling in what could only be excited anticipation. Link kept his phone in his jacket pocket and opted for people watching instead. Men dressed in business suits rushed by, already back in the throws of their jobs the day after Christmas. Families both coming and going frantically counted heads and herded their children through the crowds. Two or three people in military uniforms passed quietly by themselves. Link wondered if they were required to fly in uniform or if they just did it for the free seat upgrades.

_“Attention. Do not leave baggage unattended. For security reasons, baggage left unattended will be removed and destroyed.”_

“Destroyed seems a bit harsh, don’t you think?” Link asked Rhett.

“Hmm?” Rhett looked up from his phone. He clearly hadn’t hear what Link had said.

“I said I hope Jessie and the boys get here soon. These seats are making my butt fall asleep.”

“Yeah, this isn’t doing wonders for my back, either.” To emphasize his point he stood and stretched, five loud pops sounding from his spine. He put his hands on his hips and looked down at his friend. “It shouldn’t be more than ten more minutes. They were pretty close to the front of the plane so it’s not like they’ll have a bunch of people in front of them to slow them down.”

“That’s good!” Link grinned, though his chest hurt when he did. It was selfish, he knew, but he didn’t want to see Rhett go. Sure, they would still see each other on New Years and would very likely have at least one or two lunches between now and then, but Rhett had become a security blanket for Link. More so than usual. He was the only one who truly made Link feel safe and accepted. The only one who treated the alters well. Hell, he even seemed to understand the alters better than Link did. If he didn’t he was damn good at faking it.

Rhett had done so much for him and the absolute least Link could offer in return was allowing Rhett to enjoy a few days alone with his family. Still, Link had to admit to himself that he was scared. Everything had been unfolding so fast and Link felt so disconnected from everyone. He loved his alters, but he was scared of them as well. He loved his family but he was scared of them, too. Both in the real world and in the world within his mind, Link was walking on egg shells. Eight different people vied for his attention and care every moment of the day, and both sides lashed out at him when they didn’t feel like he was doing enough. Rhett was his pillar. The one who stayed strong and unshaken when Link couldn’t. And now that pillar had to go back to the people he loved, to the family he belonged in. It was silly, but Link felt like he was saying goodbye.

“Rhett!”

“Dad!”

Voices called out above the din and soon three beaming faces broke through the crowd. The two boys, both lanky and blond like their father, reached Rhett first, leaping though the air toward him. Rhett was able to catch Shepherd, the youngest, but Locke just collided with his stomach, nearly causing him to toppled backward.

“Woah!” Rhett cried out, laughing and catching his balance at the last minute. “Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder. Why are you both trying to kill me? There are witnesses everywhere!”

“Alright you two, cool your britches,” Jessie said. She sounded exhausted. “They’ve been like this the whole way.”

“And you’re still standing? I’m impressed.”

“You should be. I’m Wonder Woman.”

The two shared a kiss and Link found himself feeling like a very obvious third wheel.

“Link, how was Christmas in Cali?” Jessie asked, giving Link an earnest but weary smile. “Did you feed and water my husband while I was gone?”

“I forgot the water,” Link said, trying his best to dig up a good joke from beneath his heavy mood. “Sorry in advance if he’s a little dry.”

Rhett hoisted Shepherd up onto his back and put his hand around Locke's shoulders. As he did, a loud alarm began to buzz over one of the luggage belts.

_“Baggage from flight 1657, Morrisville to Burbank, is now arriving through carousel seven in the main terminal. Please stand back.”_

“That’s us,” Jessie said, turning to watch as the carousel kicked to life and started slowly cycling luggage to their owners. “Watch the monkeys while I grab our stuff?”

“Sure thing.”

Jessie and Rhett kissed one more time and Jessie vanished once more into the throngs of people.

“You know,” Rhett mused, “I will never understand why people stand so close to the luggage belt. It’s not like standing super close is going to make your bag come out faster. It just makes it harder for other people to get to their own bags.”

“Yeah,” Link gave a dry chuckle. “People are weird.”

“Dad,” Shepherd said, patting his father on the top of his head. “Guess what grandma and grandpa got me for Christmas.”

“What did they get you?”

“No, dad, you have to guess!”

“Hey, um…” Link interrupted. The family fluff was finally getting to be more than he could handle. “I think I’m going to head out. Let you get on with enjoying family time.”

“You sure man?” Rhett asked, bouncing a bit to readjust Locke to a more comfortable position on his back.

“Yeah. You haven’t seen them in days. Let me know how things go. You’re still coming to the New Year’s party, right?”

“Of course. Why would you even need to ask?”

“Just making sure you’re not sick of me yet,” Link replied, pretending it was a joke.

“Link, we’ve been friends for thirty three years. If I was going to get sick of you, I’d have done it already.”

“Daaaaaad!” Shepherd whined. “You gotta guess.”

“Alright, alright,” Rhett said. “An elephant?”

“A real guess, not a dumb guess,” Shepherd pouted.

“I’ll see you guys later,” Link said, taking his chance at a quick exit. “Have a good rest of your day.”

“You too, buddy. Drive safe.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Well it sounds like you had quite the holiday,” Mary said after Link finished recounting the events between his last session and today’s. It felt good to be back in her office again. Link had never considered himself a fan of the ‘zen’ vibe before, but Mary’s office felt peaceful, littered with salt lamps smelling of sweet incense. She must have been a spiritual person but she never spoke of it. Link appreciated that more than anything. Maybe it wasn’t the zen vibe but the overly zen people that always turned him off.

“‘Quite the holiday’ is putting it mildly,” Link replied. It had been hard not to gush about every single detail. Given that their session was only an hour long, he had to work hard to keep his summary as light as possible. He bullet pointed the important details. The fight between Susan and Christy. Seaborne insisting on front time for everyone. Mostly, though, he was concerned about Susan’s warning of the flashbacks soon to come. He’d never had a flashback before. Would he be able to handle it?

“Flashbacks are difficult, especially when it comes to DID,” Mary explained. “With disorders like PTSD, a flashback is a reliving of something you already remember. Many times with DID, you as Link are experiencing the trauma for the very first time. It can be easy to lose touch with what is really happening and what isn’t. It’s important that you have tools to stay grounded.”

“I got a kit,” Link said. “Silly putty and tiger balm and stuff. One item for each of the senses.”

“That is definitely a good resource to have. Just in case you don’t have access to those items, though, I want you to have some coping mechanisms that you can do all on your own. Repeat after me, ok?”

“Ok.”

“My name is Link Neal,” Mary said.

“My name is Link Neal,” Link repeated.

“The body is…how old are you now?”

“Thirty-nine.”

“The body is thirty-nine years old.” Mary continued. She paused between each sentence as Link echoed her words back. “We are grown up now. No one can hurt us.”

“That will help?” Link asked.

“Sometimes alters need to be reminded that they aren’t in danger anymore. Their job was to hold trauma. They may have exclusively appeared at times of trauma. If you can remind yourself and your alters that you are safe here and now, the flashback will be easier to get through. Not easy,” she emphasized. “Just easier. Now I’d like you to repeat those words to me.”

“My name is Link Neal. The body is thirty-nine years old. We are grown up now. No one can hurt us.”

“Good,” Mary said. “I want you to practice that at times when you’re calm. You can add in any other details that help you stay grounded. Where you live. Who you live with. Whatever works for you. If you can practice it while you’re in a relaxed state of mind, this coping skill will be easier to access in times of panic.”

Link nodded. Such a simple exercise felt silly, but knowing there was something he could do if everything went south made him feel somewhat at ease.

“What about what Seaborne said?” Link asked, glancing at the clock and frowning at how few minutes he had left. “About the alters having time up front?”

“If you feel that it’s a good idea, I think it would be ok to experiment with something like that.

It could prove helpful in getting your system to work together more cooperatively. We’ll check in periodically to make sure it’s working smoothly. I want you to be careful with Charlie, though. It’s not good for Littles to be out without an adult to take care of them.”

“Littles?” Link asked.

“Child alters,” Mary explained. “You may be thirty-nine but Charlie is still six. Try only having him come partially forward. Maybe give him control of the left hand and let him color. That way you don’t lose connection with him.”

Link nodded.

Mary stood, indicating that their time was up. She walked to her desk, picked up a business card, and scribbled something on the back. Then she handed it to Link.

“This is my personal number. If there’s an emergency, I want you or Christy or Rhett to call me. I may not be able to answer right away but I’ll always call back the first moment I can.”

“Thank you,” Link said, looking down at the number. He was surprised she’d trust a client with something like this.

“You made a lot of very strong progress over the break,” Mary smiled. “I’m proud of you.”

Such a small accolade, and yet Link couldn’t help but feel his own bubble of pride build in his chest.


	13. The Woman Who Wanted To Learn

Link sat at the head of his bed rolling the ball of silly putty from his grounding kit absentmindedly between his palms. Occasionally he would squeeze it in one fist, enjoying the satisfying sensation of the goo oozing up between his fingers. Then he would gather the mass back into shape and the process would repeat itself. Again and again he did this as if hoping that through emotional osmosis, the putty would absorb his worries away.

The previous night had gone well enough. Anyone looking in through the windows of his home may have even said everything went perfectly. Dinner had been delicious and everyone was still giddy on leftover Christmas cheer. Rhett had sent a pair of texts, one of Shepherd and Locke posing in matching Pokemon jackets they had gotten from their grandparents and one that asked “how are you holding up?” He had wanted to reply “Come over. I can’t do this. I need help.” Instead, he just said “I’m fine.”

It was basically true. Christy and Lily were both staying true to their apologies, making sure to give Link an extra dose of compliments and affection. The alters were still silent but that was certainly better than internal fighting and headaches. Logically Link had nothing to complain about.

So why did he feel so scared?

‘Anxious’ wasn’t a big enough word to encompass the unrelenting barrage of fear that pummeled his chest. Though he could think of no trigger that started the onslaught, Link couldn’t shake the sensation of dread that had washed over him when he left the airport the previous afternoon. Could allowing his friend some time alone really be so jarring? Link was a grown man. He had never considered himself the kind of person who needed constant approval or support. He was successful, confident, and independent. At least he thought he was. Now he really wasn’t sure what kind of person he considered himself to be. Maybe he had felt so assured was because the only pitfalls he ever experienced before were pitfalls he had expected. Life as an artist wasn’t easy but he and Rhett had taken each rejection and failed project in stride until they reached the top. This diagnosis, however, was not a setback he ever could have seen coming. This didn’t change his life that much though, did it? He was still married the love of his life, still had three wonderful kids, and still had a dream career with his best friend. He wanted for nothing. So what did he have to be afraid of?

Perhaps the question answered itself. What did he have to be afraid of? What was waiting in the recesses of his mind to come forth and forever change the way he viewed his life and the world around him? What faces would he recognize in a new way? How did he know who to trust until he was shown the truth? Link’s chest tightened at the thought and he slammed his eyes shut to fight off the jump in his heart rate. When he opened his eyes, he saw he had smashed the silly putty in his fist again. He gathered it up and returned to rolling it between his palms.

“Babe?”

Christy’s voice caused Link to jump, dropping the putty which rolled off the bed and onto the carpet. Now it would have bits of hair in it. Gross.

“You’ve been up here a while,” Christy said, taking a seat next to Link and putting her hand on his knee. “Do you want to talk?”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about,” Link said quietly. Christy frowned and dropped her gaze.

“Link, I know I haven’t been the greatest wife lately, but…”

“No, that’s not what I mean. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you. I really don't know what to talk about. I have too many things running through my head at once. I don’t know how to put it all into words.”

“Well,” Christy said encouragingly, “let’s start with one thing and weave our way through. What’s got you hiding up here?”

“I’m scared,” Link said.

“Scared of what?”

A dozen replies jumped to Link’s tongue and froze it in place. After a moment he was able to single one out from the group and give it voice.

“I’m afraid of what happens when I switch again.”

“Why does that scare you?” Christy asked.

“Because…” Link forced himself to speak honestly. “Because I don’t want you to be angry with me again.

“Honey, I’m not angry at you. Ever. I only get angry at them.” This must have been Christy’s attempt at comfort. It wasn’t working. Link bit his lip.

“That’s basically the same thing,” he murmured.

“I thought you said they were different people,” Christy replied.

“Yes,” Link said, “and no. They have their own personalities, yeah, and there’s some kind of mental barrier between us, but on a certain level they’re still me. We’re connected in a deep way. I can feel their emotions and they can feel mine. We have the same brain. The same body. They’re different from me but they’re also not. They’re…both? Am I making any sense at all? I feel like I’m talking in circles.”

Christy frowned. “I’m having a really hard time understanding.”

“I don’t know how to explain this,” Link sighed. Christy gave his knee a soft squeeze. He could tell that she was listening, that she was really trying to understand, but he didn’t even really understand it himself. How was he supposed to teach her something he was still learning about on his own? Frantically, Link turned words over in his mind trying to find the right combination until Christy stepped in to break the silence.

“So, they’re extensions of you,” she said, echoing his words the best she could, “but they’re also separate from you.”

“Yes.”

“And when they’re upset, you’re upset.”

“Yes.”

“All the time?”

“Basically. I…I can feel what they feel. Not all of the time but a lot of it. When any of us are feeling intense emotions they sort of just stack up. It can be hard to tell what’s coming from who sometimes.”

“What about when they hurt me?” Christy asked slowly. Link looked up sharply.

“What?”

“When they yell at me. Threaten me. Plan to cheat on me. Cuss at our children. I get that you’re protective of them, but that’s is all I’ve ever seen of them. They’re…mean and they’re vile and they’re cruel.”

“They only did that because they feel attacked by you,” Link said defensively.

“But they did all that to me first!” Christy insisted. “I’ve been trying to deal with this well. I’ve been trying so hard, but I feel so attacked. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

Link stopped and stared. He tried to think of a retort but nothing solid came to mind. She wasn’t exactly wrong. The alters had initiated a lot of their fights, but it wasn’t because they were cruel. She just didn’t see it from their point of view.

“You just need to get to know them better,” Link stated. “Talk to Rhett. He knows.”

“I know he knows,” Christy sighed. “God knows I know. I’m not sure how he figured this out so quickly or where he goes right that when I go wrong but I’m lost here. I’m drowning. I’m trying to take all this in—take all them in—and still trying to hold onto whatever’s left of the connection I have to our life before all this started.”

Link bent down and picked the ball of silly putty off the carpet to stall for time. Battling forces raged heavily inside him. What’s worse was he didn’t know which side was right. Christy _was_ trying in her own way. It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t understand, but she had hurt him deeply. Her reaching out like this was a step in the right direction, but he didn’t know how sturdy their current comfort was. How much more stress until she broke? How many switches until she decided she couldn’t handle this anymore? She was trying to stay connected to their life before, but all he could focus on was their life in the now. Why couldn’t she do that too?

But she was allowed to feel scared. It would be wrong of him to fault her for being confused. She was scared and so was he. Her feelings were legitimate and so were his. There didn’t seem to be a right answer. Link picked fluff from the ball in his hand. He didn’t want to be in this conversation anymore.

“Link,” Christy said, her voice almost a whisper. “I just want to understand. Help me understand.”

“I can’t,” Link said at last. “I can’t because I don’t understand. Listen, I know you didn’t sign up for this but I didn’t either. I need you to find a way to accept me and the alters because they’re not going away any time soon. Maybe they won’t ever go away. I have no idea. But at the end of the day, no matter what, they’ll be all I have. I’m closer to them than I could possibly be to anyone else. Closer than Rhett. Closer than you. We live in the same body. It doesn’t get any more intimate than that. So no matter what, I’m on their side. I’ll admit that they handled some stuff in a really shitty way, but they’re learning. They’ve never been open about their existence to anyone before and they don’t know how to interact with people yet. We need you to be patient. I understand that they hurt you and I want to make it up to you, _we_ want to make it up to you, but that’s going to take time and communication. Not just communication between you and I but between you and them, too. I’m probably asking a lot but, to be honest, there’s not really any other option.” Link tried futilely to hide the shakiness of his voice but spoke with resolve despite his fear. Christy took her hand from Link’s knee and spun her wedding ring idly around her finger. It was a nervous habit they shared.

“You’re right,” she said quietly. “I’ll try to be more patient. This is our life now. It’s not exactly what I expected but it’s what we have and no matter what, a life with you is the only life I want. So I’ll try. I’m not going to promise that I’ll be perfect, but I’ll try.”

“That’s all I ask,” Link said. He squeezed silly putty he still held in his fist anxiously. There was one more point he needed to bring up. He didn’t know if this was the best time for it but since they were on the topic anyway…

“Mary and I made a decision during therapy yesterday,” he started. Christy looked at him apprehensively. “We think in order for the system to work together more smoothly it would be good to schedule time for each of them to be up front.”

“Like…on purpose?” Christy asked.

“Not for long,” Link assured. “Maybe ten, fifteen minutes a week each. But it seems to be the best way for us all to get to understand one another. Or at least, for me to understand them.”

“The headspace meetings don’t work?”

“Not as well as this,” Link said. “At the ranch house I only see what they want me to see. Sometimes that’s not much. When they’re up front I can hear what they’re thinking. They can’t hide things from me.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” Christy twisted the ends of her long hair. Link felt a pang of rejection but felt grateful that she was being honest in a gentle way. Christy noticed the change in his expression.

“I’m not saying I’m not ok with it,” she said. “I’m just saying I’m not mentally ready for that right now. I will be though, eventually. I just need some time. I’m still working on getting used to the ‘oops’ alter time. But I promise,” she put her hand on the side of Link’s face and turned it gently toward her, “I’m going to be better about this. I’m going to keep working on being supportive and understanding and, if you’ll wait for me, I know I can be the wife you need me to be.”

Link looked into Christy’s bright green eyes and let himself become lost in what he saw there. Compassion. Empathy. All the things he had been yearning to find but was afraid he never would. This was his Christy. His rock. The woman who had taught him the definition of love. They had been through their fair share of hard times in the past and this was just going to be another one. One small bump on a highway of security and love.

Instead of speaking his answer, Link leaned forward and kissed his wife deeply. His hand gently rose to cradle the back of her head and her smooth, blonde hair felt like silk as it fell between his fingers. Inhaling deeply, not willing to break their connection, Christy pressed closer to Link, her lips still locked against his and her hands clutching his back. Link slowly leaned forward, laying Christy down on her back, and the little ball of putty fell forgotten onto the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a bit of tidying up. Just minor things like adding lines between text breaks and changing Lilian to Lily (I don't know why I didn't call her that to begin with). I also fixed an error on the previous chapter where I had said Locke was younger than Shepherd. Thanks for catching that one missingparentheses!
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the new chapter.


	14. The Boy Who Made A Friend

“It sounds like you two made quite a break through last night.” Mary was wearing a knowing grin. “How do you feel about it?”

“Really good,” Link replied. “It’s like a weight fell off my back. I really felt like she was listening to me. Like she was seeing things from my side.”

“I’m very happy for you, Link.”

“I am, too,” Link said. “I won’t lie, though. Part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean what if this is all too much for her. What if she tries her hardest to handle me and just can’t? Having her on my side this way is still brand new. It hasn’t really been tested yet.”

“Isn’t just having DID be a part of your life still brand new?” Mary asked. Link paused.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“Your conversation yesterday gives me a lot of hope,” Mary stated. “DID can be difficult for loved ones to fully grasp, but it seems like she’s ready to really try. You have to remember that she didn’t sign up for this when you two got married.”

“I didn’t either!” Link protested.

“I know. But this is a different experience for both of you. Christy married Link. Not Seaborne or Larnold or Susan or Charlie. Just Link. There are a lot of new members of the family for her to get to know now. She doesn’t have the ability to understand them as fully and as quickly as you do. It’s understandable that she needs time.”

Link crossed his arms. The way Mary put it made it sound like just being around him was work. He didn’t like the idea that this disorder was a burden to Christy or to anyone. Things were hard enough when he was just focusing on him. Now he had to feel guilty for bringing others through it too? He wished everyone could just adjust as needed and cary on like nothing changed.

But things had changed, and not everyone was as quick to adapt as Rhett. Links shoulders drooped in resignation.

“Yeah,” he agreed reluctantly. “You’re right.”

“Just give it time. Be open with each other. Like I said, I have high hopes for you both. The two of you have come a long way.”

“Thanks.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

On his way home, Link stopped by a corner store and bought a dinosaur themed coloring book and some crayons. If he was going to start scheduling time for alters it might as well be now while he still had free time away from work. He had remembered Mary’s suggestion of letting Charlie color using the left hand and decided that was the best place to start. The idea of handing over part of his body seemed weird. Even a little surreal, like something out of a child’s horror story. Night of the Doodling Hand. Then again, having your whole body taken over was horror material, too, and that happened to him on a regular basis now. He was grateful that his alters were all kind and he didn't have a Mister Hyde waiting in the shadows. DID was difficult enough on its own. He wouldn’t even know where to begin if he occasionally turned into a monster.

What if people saw him as a monster anyway?

A risk.

A horror story waiting to happen.

Link shook his head sharply and turned his thoughts toward brighter things. He had the support of his family and his best friend. There was no point in worrying about what anyone else believed.

At home, Link informed Christy that he was going to give Charlie some time up front. Although visibly uncomfortable, she agreed to give him space for as long as he needed. Link went into the back office where he would be out of the way, laid out the crayons and coloring book, and turned inside.

_Charlie?_

Charlie’s presence immediately became clear.

_You want to try an experiment?_

_Only the left hand, right?_ Charlie asked. _I heard Miss Mary talking. I think I like that idea. I just don’t wanna be alone again. That was too scary._

 _Do you think you can stay with just the left hand?_ Link asked, still not sure how this would work. The emotion Link received as a reply felt positive. _Alright,_ Link thought. _Let’s do_ this.

He started flipping through the coloring book pages until he felt a distinct feeling of approval from Charlie. The page he stopped on had a picture of a triceratops. Link smiled and shook his head. Of course that would be the page he wanted.

 _I need the red crayon,_ Charlie instructed. Instinctively Link went for the crayon with his right hand.

 _No! Left,_ Charlie cried, making Link stop with his hand hovering just above the crayon box. _Left is for Littles._

 _Right, sorry,_ Link replied. He reached his left hand, picked out the red crayon from the box and looked back to the open book. He still felt in control of his body, but Charlie’s presence was so close they may as well have been sitting right there on his lap. As Link colored messily with his his non-dominant hand, Charlie offered positive and negative emotional pushes to ensure that Link colored just right. At first it was a bit like a game of hot-and-cold, but soon Link was able to flow easily with Charlie’s coaxing.

Charlie seemed pleased that Link could not for the life of him color neatly and that the crayon went a bit outside the lines in places. It felt right to him. It was what a six year old’s drawing should look like. As the triceratops came to life with bright, messy streaks of wax, Link’s mind was filled Charlie’s warm feeling of satisfaction, a feeling so contagiously happy that it seeped into Link’s emotions as well.

As they were putting the last touches on the blue sky above their scribble-saurus, the office door cracked open. Link and Charlie jumped and looked up, startled out of their group project by the sound. Lando’s face, shy and a bit startled himself by his father’s reaction, stared up at the pair. All at once, Link felt himself shoved backward as Charlie took over completely. This wasn’t an accidental act like before. Charlie wasn’t scared. He took over the body on purpose because he saw an opportunity. Link panicked and tried to push his way forward again but he was powerless in this place. He crossed his fingers and watched.

“Hi,” Charlie said. His voice was higher than Link’s, but not in the same way as Susan’s. Charlie had a slightly more nasally tone. It was a poor impersonation of a child’s voice but, then again, it was coming from a throat that hadn’t been a child’s for decades.

“Dad?” Lando inquired cautiously. Charlie shook his head.

“Are you one of the head people?” Lando asked.

Charlie nodded.

“Mom says that you guys are kind of like dad’s helpers,” Land went on. “She said you helped him when he was little cuz bad people did scary things.”

“Yup! And I’m a good helper,” Charlie beamed. “I help by being the coolest. How old are you?”

“Six,” Lando said. He still stood with one hand on the door knob with only one foot in the room.

“I’m six, too,” said Charlie. When he was met with silence he motioned to his coloring book. “You wanna color with me?”

“Ok.”

Lando shut the door behind him and walked over to the desk. Charlie stood and pointed at his seat.

“You sit here,” he stated. “I’m big so I can get another chair.”

“Ok,” Lando said again. He watched cautiously as Charlie dragged a second chair to the desk and sat right next to him. Unconcerned by Lando’s wariness, Charlie tore out a page from the book and passed it to him. Then he returned to finishing his own drawing.

“Dad uses this hand,” Lando said, pointing Charlie’s right hand which was currently holding the coloring book in place. Charlie shrugged.

“Yeah, but I use this hand. Are you gonna color?”

Lando slowly reached out and picked a brown crayon from the box. He looked at the coloring page in front of him, then up to the face of his father, then back again.

“Is dad coming back soon?” Lando asked. Charlie didn’t look up from his work when he answered.

“Yeah. He can hear us. He’s watching to make sure we’re both ok. I think we should be friends. Link wants us to be friends too but he doesn’t think you’ll like me.”

“I like you,” Lando insisted defiantly, taking his father’s doubt as a challenge. To prove his false sense of ease, Lando began scribbling vigorously over the outlines of a tree trunk. Charlie smiled.

The two passed crayons back and forth, filling page after page of the coloring book with their masterpieces. Tensions quickly fell and soon Lando was relaxed and chattering away as if Charlie were a neighbor friend or a companion from school. The boys giggled together as Charlie drew boogers running out of a brontosaurus’s nose. Lando scribbled a green fart cloud behind a T-rex. The two shrieked with laughter at their clever creations and continued on. As they did, Link began to experience a surprising mix of emotions from inside. He felt like he was being granted something he had never been allowed before. This simple childhood joy was something his heart had been yearning for and he didn't even realize it until it's painful absence was eased as Charlie colored with his son. It was so pure. So innocent. So free of hurt or confusion. Charlie was more than just a child in his mind. He was the second chance for Link to experience the happy childhood he had been denied decades before.

Charlie most definitely was the coolest helper.

After nearly a half hour, just as Charlie was adding jet packs to a pterodactyl, his eyes fluttered and he straightened up in his seat. Lando noticed the change in posture and stopped to watch his new friend adjust.

Link blinked and looked down at his son. “Hey, buddy,” he said with a half grin, squinting one eye at the headache that blasted him like a shotgun.

“Is Charlie gone?” Lando asked.

“Yeah, he’s gone. Well actually, no. He’s not gone, really,” Link explained. “He’s just inside. That’s where we all wait when we’re not out front like I am now.”

“In your brain?”

“Yep. We have a pretend house where we all sleep and play.”

“Can I go there?”

Link chuckled. “Well you can’t go to our house in my head, but maybe you and I can pretend to build our own private house someday.”

“Yeah!” Lando exclaimed. “And then maybe can Charlie come and play there?”

“You like spending time with Charlie?” Link asked.

“Yeah. He’s cool and funny. I think that maybe he should come out sometimes and we can play again.”

“We can definitely do that, bud.” Link gave his son a hug. Even though Lando pushed away declaring that hugs were gross, Link felt a new sense of hope. If his little boy could accept the alters, maybe things were going to be alright after all.


	15. The Vanishing Act

Link woke to the sound of his alarm more feeling more exhausted than seemed appropriate. He’d gotten to bed at a reasonable hour. Sure he had to take some pills to fall asleep thanks to the headache that never quite went away, but there was no reason for him to feel this tired. Charlie forcing his way to the front must have taken more of a toll on Link than he originally thought. He hoped that letting the alters out wouldn't be this draining every time. If it was, there was no way he’d be able to hold up to his agreement with Seaborne. He’d try letting someone out again in a few days and see if anything changed.

As he sat up, he realized his head was buzzing with a familiar and slightly missed mix of emotions. It seemed everyone was up and active in his mind again. Link couldn’t say it wasn’t a bit distracting but it felt a little comforting knowing all of his pieces were back to their usual selves. The theme of the uproar this morning seemed to be a general resistance to the idea of therapy today. Link tried to see if he could get someone inside to tell him why this was causing such an upset but no one seemed to want to answer. Try as he might, he couldn’t single anyone out to ask questions to. Maybe Mary would have an answer. She had a knack for just knowing these sorts of things.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“So,” Mary said as Link sat on the couch, “how are we feeling today?”

“Pretty good,” Link replied. “There’s some worry inside about being here today, but everything externally is fantastic. Things with Christy are still smooth. I tried coloring with Charlie yesterday and I’d say it was a success. He bumped me out of the front at one point but it ended up alright. He and my son Lando played together for a while. It was really beautiful actually. Lando says he wants to play with Charlie again. After everything that’s been happening, hearing him say that was such a relief I wanted to break down and cry. He’s such a loving kid. I feel like I really did something right with him.”

“I’m glad that things went so well. It’s not surprising at all that your son has so much love in his heart when he has you leading by example.”

“Well you don't know me at all, then,” Link chuckled.

“You said that Charlie pushed you out of the front,” Mary said, sliding the conversation back to the more important subject. “Did you lose contact with him?”

“Not at all. I mean, I couldn’t get back up front but I was still really close to him. I’m getting a lot better at being co-conscious I think. I don’t lose any time anymore. Memories aren’t even fuzzy from yesterday. I can remember everything as if I was there the whole time.”

“That’s great,” Mary beamed. “It sounds like cooperation in your system is coming together quite quickly. There are people who take years to get to this point. All of you are doing so wonderful. I’m curious though, who doesn’t want to be at therapy today?”

“I don’t know if it’s just coming from one of them,” Link said. “It’s more of a collective jumble of disapproval.”

“Do you mind if I talk to them?”

Link blinked.

“To the alters?”

“Yes,” Mary said. “I’ve met Susan already and I must say that she is lovely. It makes me so happy that she looks out for you as fiercely as she does.”

“I don’t think they want to come out.”

“It’s alright if they don’t,” Mary replied. “But if anyone has any worry they’d like to share, just know I’m here to listen. I care for each and every one of you and you all are safe here.”

“I appreciate it,” Link said, “but I can’t even pick one out from the other right now. They’re definitely just fighting over stupid stuff again like they always do.” Link’s voice suddenly grew higher half way through the sentence and he began to slide his feet around on the rug, his legs to long to actually swing them back and forth.

“Fighting over stupid stuff?” Mary asked. Link’s head nodded.

“Susan and Seaborne fight tons all the time,” he said.

“Am I still speaking to Link?”

Link’s head shook from side to side.

“Charlie?”

“Yes!” Charlie threw his hands up as if Mary had won a game. “I know you said I’m not ‘sposed to come out all by myself but you’re a grown up so it’s ok.”

“It’s very nice to meet you Charlie,” Mary said. “Are you the one that doesn’t want to be here today?”

“No,” Charlie replied. “I don’t care, really. I think you’re nice. Susan doesn't want to be here. She scared that Link will remember stuff.”

“I’d like to remind you and Susan that I’m not trying to dig up any memories,” Mary assured him. “I’m not here to rush things and I certainly don’t want to bring anything forward that Link isn’t ready to see.”

“She’s not scared of you,” Charlie explained. “She’s scared of Seaborne. He keeps wanting to show Link stuff and she keeps saying ‘not ’til after the holiday!’”

“So there’s still a plan to show Link memories soon?”

“Yeah.”

“I know Susan doesn’t think Link is ready and I trust her judgment, but there are only two more sessions until our New Year’s break. Do you think Seaborne would agree to showing a memory to Link while he’s here with me? That way I’ll be able to guide him through.”

Charlie shrugged indifferently. “Susan says not until after the holiday.”

“Well maybe Seaborne can wait until Link sees me again on January second.”

“Maybe. They’re fighting a bunch. It’s really loud and I don’t like it.”

“I bet you don’t. It’s not fun listening to grown ups fight for a long time.”

“Link’s mom and dad used to fight all the time.”

“Did they?” Mary said, subtly reaching for her pencil and notepad.

“Yeah. They just yelled and yelled and yelled. Susan says they did that even before I got born.”

“And how old was the body when you were born, Charlie?”

“Six,” Charlie replied.

“And you stayed six, is that right?”

“Yup.”

“Well I want to thank you, Charlie. You’re very brave for helping Link for such a long long time. I bet that’s been a lot of work for you.”

“It’s ok. I don’t remember why I was born. Seaborne took away all the bad memories from everyone and he keeps them in the basement. He says no one is allowed to see them except him.”

“Oh really?” Mary didn’t break eye contact but her pencil scribbled widely across her notepad.

“Yeah. I’m bored now. I’m gonna go back in, ‘kay?”

“Ok. Thank you for coming out to talk to me Charlie.” Charlie didn’t respond. She added a few final thoughts to her notes and set the pad aside as Link blinked back into consciousness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Link felt encouraged, as always, on his ride home. Charlie’s appearance had been unexpected but it had given him some valuable insight into the source of the emotional mess going on inside. He still couldn’t make out distinct thoughts or sources when he looked inside at the others so Charlie’s explanation had been helpful. Link was grateful to Susan for buying him at least a few more days to relax before he was blindsided with whatever Seaborne had in store. The thought of remembering trauma made him nervous, but knowing it was coming put him at a sort of ease. It had to happen at some point after all. Having a rough time frame made him feel like he could prepare himself for the blow.

Jade was the only one who met Link at the door when he arrived home. He scratched the little dachshund behind the ears and called into the house.

“Babe?”

“I’m in the dining room!” Christy’s voice echoed back to him. Link hung his keys on the hook by the door and hunted down the source of her voice. She was standing in the dining room as she had said, but she looked extremely frazzled. Frankly, so did the room.

Every cupboard and drawer was open. A glance to the side revealed that the kitchen was in the same state. Some cupboards were completely emptied, their contents placed on the countertops or the table.

“Um…” Link said, looking around. “Difficult scavenger hunt?”

“No,” Christy groaned, putting her hands on her hips and sighing in defeat. “The china your mom gave us. I can’t find it anywhere. None of the kids know where it is either. It just disappeared!”

“A whole china set just doesn’t disappear,” Link said. “Maybe we packed it up and put it in the attic or the garage. Did you check upstairs.”

“Yes, I checked upstairs,” Christy said, exasperation coloring her tone. “And the garage. Twice. I’m telling you, they’re not anywhere.”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Link said with a shrug. Christy’s eyebrows raised as an idea hit her.

“Link…you don’t…you don’t think you did this, do you?”

“Me?” Link said, surprised. “Why would I hide my mom’s china? And then lie about it?”

“No, that’s not what I mean,” Christy said, trying to find a way to word her thoughts in the least accusing manor. “Not _you_ you. But…you know…”

“You think one of the alters did this?” Link asked.

“I just don’t see any other explanation. I know you had alter time yesterday. Do you remember all of it?”

“Yes!” Link cried. “Lando was with me for almost all of it.”

“Yeah, he told me about that,” Christy said absentmindedly, looking from one open cupboard to another. “What about last night? Lily thought she heard someone walking around.”

“Did she tell you this before or after you brought up the idea that an alter did it?”

“After, but…”

“Christy, we’ll find the china. If worse comes to worst, I know that Rhett and Jessie will have no problem eating New Year’s dinner on regular old plates. Don’t stress out so much. None of the alters have any beef against our plates.”

“What if Seaborne did it?” Christy asked. “Back when Rhett talked him out of cheating on me. What if this was his petty way of getting back at me anyway?”

“I think even Seaborne knows that missing dishes wouldn’t ruin our marriage. I’m sure there’s another explanation. I haven’t lost time in weeks. I stay co-conscious. If something had happened, I would know.”

Christy sighed.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just stressed.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Link chuckled. “It’ll turn up. Promise. Also,” he said, brushing a stray hair out of Christy’s face, “thanks for not freaking out about Lando and Charlie spending time alone together.”

“Why would I freak out?” Christy asked innocently. “You kept him quiet and content for almost an hour. If anything I’m grateful.”

Link gave Christy a small kiss.

“Should we clean this up?” he asked, jerking his head toward the mess that surrounded them.

“Yeah,” Christy smiled. “It looks like a bomb exploded in here.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Link woke up to his eight o’clock alarm as usual, but his eyelids were like lead. It took even more effort than yesterday to will himself out of bed and into the bathroom to shower. His feet dragged along the tile and he yawned heavily, stretching his arms over his head to break away from his sleepiness. It was a futile effort. Maybe he could finish an extra cup of coffee before he left for therapy.

With weighted feet he trudged down the stairs on autopilot, his surroundings nothing but a blur. He didn’t snap back into reality until he nearly collided with Lily in the hallway at the base of the stairs.

“Jeeze dad,” Lily complained. “I…woah…”

“Woah what?” Link yawned. “Do I really look that terrible?”

“No, it’s just…where’d all the photos go?”

Link looked over his shoulder. In his tired state he had completely missed it. Almost every family photograph that hung on the wall along the staircase was missing. The only ones left were portraits of the kids. Before he could say anything, his attention was yanked in a different direction.

“Link, honey…” Christy’s voice reached him from the front door. She was staring out into the yard, a mixture of confusion and irritation painted on her face.

“What’s wrong?” Link asked leaning over to peer through the door at what had her so shocked. When he did he no longer needed an answer. Jade pranced around the grass sniffing at cracked frames and photographs soaked and ruined by morning dew. The yard was strewn with pictures from memory boxes, scrapbooks, and framed displays.

When Link pulled up his dropped chin and turned to Christy, she was looking at him with one eyebrow raised.

“Still think an alter didn’t take our plates?”


	16. The Man With Two Faces

On Mary’s recommendation, Link wore a step tracker to bed the following night. He hoped against hope that nothing would com of it. Instead, he woke in dismay to see he had wandered almost one hundred and fifty steps overnight.

Link sat at the breakfast table, his head in his hands, his cereal bowl untouched. While his body stayed still as a statue, his thoughts floated inward and landed him in the ranch house living room. Four of the seats by the fireplace were already filled, each occupant looking at Link like he had arrived late.

“Been a while,” Seaborne scoffed as Link sat down. “The last group meeting was so long ago I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about us.”

“You haven’t exactly been very talkative yourself, you know,” Link snapped back angrily. Seaborne turned away indignantly and Link regretted speaking so accusingly. The sleep deprivation was getting to his temper.

“We’ve been plenty talkative,” Larnold piped in. “You just don’t listen. Speaking of,” he continued, “do any of us get time up front soon? Charlie seems to be your one and only lately.”

“That’s not entirely fair,” Link said, forcing himself to be patient. Alters didn’t communicate like other people, Link reminded himself. They took things literally and personally. The were already in a bad mood and Link wanted to know as much as he could about the missing china and the destroyed photos. He’d have to be careful if he was going to convince anyone to answer questions. “Charlie was the first alter I let out because it was the easiest to know what he’d want to do. I don’t know how I can accommodate you all in a way that lets you enjoy your time out.”

“That’s a pretty weak excuse, Link.”

“Just ignore them,” Susan said to Link, rolling her eyes and staring off toward the living room. “They’ve been asses the last few days.”

“Who’s been an ass?” Seaborne shouted, standing from his seat. “You’re the one who’s been trying to take control of the memories. I was around before any of you. I know Link better than any of you. I’m in charge and if you don’t like it you can vanish into the woods.”

“No one is vanishing anywhere,” Link asserted, matching Seaborne with an authoritative tone of his own. “You guys all want to look out for me. I get that. Seaborne, Susan is just trying to do what she feels is right. I get that you guys disagree but is it really worth messing up the system?”

Seaborne grumbled and sat back down. He stared at the fireplace, the opposite direction of Susan’s gaze, obviously checked out of the conversation. Link hid his frustration and pushed forward. Why couldn’t things ever be easy with them?

“Listen, we can hash this out later,” he said. “Right now I have a different problem I want to talk to you about.”

“The sleepwalking?” Susan asked. Link raised an eyebrow.

“That was you?”

“No,” Susan said, rolling her head back in exasperation. “I just saw the aftermath when you woke up. I don’t know who did it.”

“Seaborne? Larnold?” Link asked. Seaborne grumbled an “of course not”. Larnold flushed and pointed to Charlie.

“You’re not going to ask him? Throwing out plates and pictures seems like a pretty childish thing to do, don’t you think?”

“Charlie?” Link asked. Charlie shook his head vigorously.

“It wasn’t me. I promise!” Charlie cried. “It might have been the forest thing.”

“Oh Jesus,” Seaborne said to himself, still watching the fireplace dance. “Not this again.”

“It’s true,” Charlie insisted. “Something’s been walking around in the forest. It’s black and it’s super fast and it looks really scary.”

“Nobody has seen this thing but you,” Larnold said. “You already get the most attention out of any of us. You’re going to go making up stories, too?”

“But I’m not making it up,” Charlie whimpered and pulled his knees to his chest. He looked down at his feet. Link wanted to reach out to him but was interrupted by Larnold huffing and storming across the wooden floorboards to the stairs. Link watched as Susan slowly rose and followed him, then Seaborne, and finally Charlie. Apparently the conversation had reached it’s end.

At the base of the staircase, Charlie looked back.

“I promise I’m not lying,” he whispered.

“I believe you buddy.”

Charlie offered a half hearted smile and disappeared. Link drifted away from the vision of the house and brought himself back to outside reality. His cereal was completely soggy. Had he been gone for more than a few minutes? He glanced at his watch. The meeting had definitely taken longer than he thought. He now had fifteen minutes to make it to an office thirty minutes away. He hoped Mary wouldn’t mind when he showed up late.

Link stayed close to the speed limit, worried the combination of stress and lack of sleep would hinder his traffic weaving skills. Mary, of course, acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary when Link finally arrived. She smiled and greeted him as normal before ushering him toward the couch.

“So how did the sleep tracker work?” she asked. It must have been obvious that asking ‘how are we feeling today’ was too big of a question this morning. Link, too tired to really concentrate, was struck for the first time how weird it sounded when Mary said ‘we’ instead of ‘you’. He didn’t know how she was feeling. What a silly way to word that question.

“One hundred and fifty steps in my sleep,” Link said. “One hundred and fifty. That’s like…a half mile at least.”

“Did you find anything out of place this morning?”

“No,” Link shook his head. “I didn’t really have the energy to look though.”

“Any idea as to why someone is taking little adventures at night?” Mary asked.

“No,” replied Link. “I had a headspace meeting before I came in. No one seems to know anything.”

“You addressed them all individually? Sometimes asking a question to the group as a whole makes it harder to get an honest response.”

“Yeah, I asked them each directly. No one seem to know. Larnold sort of dodged the question a bit. Charlie said it might be something from the forest. I guess he’s seen an animal or something out there. No one else has seen it though. The others think he’s making it up.”

“Would Charlie have a reason to make up something like that?” Mary asked. Link shrugged.

“No reason I can think of, but I don’t know if I’m the best person to ask right now. I thought I was really starting to understand all of them but apparently I’m missing some pretty big chunks of information.”

“Do you think anyone would be willing to talk to me about the sleepwalking?” Mary inquired. Link didn’t feel like he could accurately answer the question one way or the other. Mary saw his hesitation and added, “If you don’t want to dig into this today, that’s ok. You’re the leader here, Link. I won’t ever pressure you into something you’re uncomfortable with.”

“It’s not really up to me, though, is it?” Link worded it as a question but it was more of an observation. “If they want to come out they’re going to come out. God, I feel so powerless.”

“I know this is overwhelming right now. Let’s try a more gentle approach. What if we use the tappers to help open your mind and you ask them again instead of me?”

Link watched as Mary reached over and collected the little buzzing ovals that he had used when created the ranch house for the first time.

“We could definitely give that a shot, I suppose,” Link said. Mary handed the tappers to him and he held them in loose fists. With a push of a button, the oval in his left hand began to buzz, then the right, then the left again. Back and forth it went as Link tried to follow the sensation and let his mind relax.

“Go ahead and ask them gently.” Mary’s voice floated to him from another existence. “Who is the one who’s been walking around at night. Tell them they don’t need to be afraid. We’re not going to get angry at them. We just want to know why.”

More ‘we’ statements. Link wondered if that was just a therapist thing.

“No one is judging,” Mary continued. Every word she said seemed to be coming from farther and farther away. Link felt his emotions change all at once and his body shifted on its own, his legs spreading wide and his elbows resting on his knees in a rather unflattering position. His teeth began chewing on the inside of his cheek. There was a short silent period before Mary asked, “Am I still talking to Link?”

“Nope,” Link’s voice replied with a deep southern drawl. “It’s Larnold.”

“I don’t believe we’ve ever met, Larnold,” Mary said.

“Nope.”

“What brings you out today?”

“Hoping you can talk some sense into this dillweed,” Larnold replied. He pointed to his head as he said it, but was clearly not referring to himself.

“You mean Link?”

“Yeah, I mean Link,” Larnold said, saying Link’s name as if it were a filthy word. “That disrespectful son’bitch thinks he rules the whole damn world, doesn’t he?”

“Does he?” Mary inquired. “Is that why you threw out the photos and the china? Because you felt Link was being disrespectful?”

“Why is everyone accusing me of throwing stuff out?” Larnold exclaimed, tossing his hands into the air.

“I didn’t mean to blame you,” Mary said, her voice gentle and steady as ever. “I just assumed that since we were talking about it earlier, that was why you came out.”

Larnold groaned and leaned back in the chair, still chewing the inside of his cheek. It was getting painful. Link wished he would stop.

“Ok, fine,” he admitted. “I threw that stuff out. But only because Link didn’t deserve it. It was one thing when he stayed home for Christmas against his will, but he actually ended up glad about it! It’s just downright disrespectful. His ma and his pa always treated him good and he repays them by avoiding them at holidays? Well, if he doesn’t want anything to do with them then he doesn’t get anything to do with them. His mama gave him that china. I done tossed that right in the dumpster. Had to go a few blocks to the local gas station to do it, though. If I threw it in their trashcan outside they’d find it before trash day for sure.”

“And the photos?” Mary encouraged Larnold to continue.

“He doesn’t want his old family so he don’t get no family. I trashed every picture with is smug little face.”

“It seems that you’re very fond of Link’s parents,” Mary stated.

“They treated him good,” Larnold said, crossing his arms. “They deserve better. More appreciation.”

“Susan seems to think otherwise.”

“Susan doesn’t know what she’s talkin’ about.”

“Link described you before as a very caring and emotional person, Larnold. What changed?”

“I’m still caring and emotional. He just don’t listen. If he won’t listen and if he’s gonna disrespect his ma and pa then he’s going to get disrespected right back.”

“How old was the body when you came in, Larnold.”

“Hell if I know. Seaborne’s got all those memories. I remember grade school though so maybe seven? Eight? It doesn’t really matter though, does it?”

“Did you throw anything out last night?”

“Last night?” Larnold repeated. “Nah. Last night was just like all the other nights recently. I just get up and walk around for a while. I’m trying to get him real tired.”

“Tired?” Mary asked. “Why is that?”

“So he can’t fight us back so much. Link’s a kid. He never really grew up. He still bumbles around and relies on everyone else. He runs away the second he thinks someone’s mad at him even if it’s his own kid. But then when we try to step up and help him he gets mad and tries to stuff us back inside. Damn disrespectful. Do you know the last time he even talked to me before today?”

“No,” Mary said. “I don’t.”

“It’s been over a week! He’s just fine talking to everyone else but old Larnold? I don’t get attention from nobody.”

“I can understand why that would be frustrating, Larnold.”

“Don’t give me that compassionate crap. I know you’re on his side.”

“I’m on all of your sides. I’m here for all of you.”

“Yeah right.”

“Has Link given anyone else time up front besides Charlie?”

“No,” Larnold admitted. “But I can guarantee I’ll be the last if he has his way. With my plan, he won’t have his way and I won’t be last. Maybe I can even take over as host. I would certainly do a better job of taking care of everyone than he does.”

“I’m hearing you say that you’re concerned about Link’s emotional strength,” said Mary, “but I can’t help but think that depriving him of sleep might be contributing to that. It’s hard to stay emotionally stable when you haven’t had a chance to rest. How long has this been going on?”

“Since Christmas. Since he decided he was too good for everyone.”

“So the core of the problem is that you feel that Link is being disrespectful,” Mary stated, circling back around to the beginning of their conversation.

“Darn right.”

“What could Link change to make you feel like he is behaving respectfully?”

“Well…” Larnold began, but his voice drifted off. “I don’t really know.”

“What if I ask Link to let you be the next one to have time up front?” Mary offered. “Would that help at all?”

“I don’t think he’ll do it.”

“But if he did, would that make you feel any better about the situation?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Larnold said quietly. He was beginning to feel foolish for raving on without having a real plan in mind. “If he’d just find a nice bit of nature to let me relax in…”

“If I promise to talk to Link about making sure you get to come out next in a nice park, can you promise me that you’ll let Link sleep at night?”

Larnold paused to consider, chewing the other cheek now. Finally, he nodded.

“I’ll give him one week,” he said. “One week of not bugging him. If he doesn’t keep up to his agreement by then I can’t promise that I won’t start messing with him again.”

“I feel like that’s fair. We can follow up at one of our next sessions if you’d like.”

“We ain’t got you for two days after this, right?”

“Correct.”

“Well that’s less than a week so you’ll be around to find out if Link’s a liar or not.”

“Can I talk to Link again now?”

“Yeah, sure,” Larnold sighed. “Let him know I said that I’m keeping tabs on him.”

“I’ll let him know everything we talked about,” Mary assured him. She watched as Link’s posture changed and became more withdrawn.

“Link?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Link said, his voice almost inaudible. He was hugging himself and looking down at his knees.

“How much of that did you hear?”

“I know Larnold is mad,” Link said softly. His tongue brushed the inside of his cheek. It was bleeding. “I know he wants out next. He’s mad about me not wanting to go to North Carolina which I hardly think is fair. I don’t know what’s safe anymore. Why should I want to go trotting back there?”

“I don’t think Larnold understands how confusing this all is for you,” Mary explained. “He can't read your mind just like you can’t read his. He’s just reacting to what he sees on his side.”

“He said I’m still a kid and that he’d make a better host,” Link said, holding himself even tighter. “This is the second time an alter has said I don’t know how to take care of myself. What am I supposed to take away from that?”

“Just take away that they were created when you were very young. They probably don’t fully realize that you are a capable adult now. Keep reminding them of that. They’ll learn in time.”

“How much time?” Link asked.

“I can’t answer that,” Mary said compassionately. “But they will learn.”

Link nodded once. Then, as if his body wanted to prove just how childlike he really was, he began to cry.


	17. The Man Who Remembered

“He’s been doing this since Christmas?” Christy asked, aghast. She was sitting on the living room couch next to Link. Rhett had taken a spot for himself in the nearby recliner. “How did I never wake up?”

“I guess you’re a heavy sleeper,” Link shrugged.

“So what does this mean?” Rhett asked.

“First off,” Link replied, “it means my mom’s going to be pissed. That set was a wedding gift and I can’t imagine it was cheap. Maybe it was, though. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that she skimped out on us.”

“And the night walking?” Rhett asked. “That’s definitely taking a toll. You look like hell, buddy.”

“Thanks,” Link replied flatly. “Larnold said that he would give me a week of peace to give me time to show I respect him. As long as I let him front next the whole issue should stay resolved.”

“And if not?”

“Then…we figure something else out, I guess.”

“Link, this is what I've tried telling you,” Christy insisted. “You’re alters aren’t all just nice and protective. They can be cruel. Larnold has been hurting you behind your back. Somehow he’s able to keep you from being co-conscious and he’s using that to keep you from sleeping. It’s cruel. He’s cruel.”

“No,” Link held up a hand. “He’s not cruel. He’s finding his place.”

“You’re seriously defining him on this?” Christy demanded.

“I’m not defending him,” Link said quickly. “After Larnold went back inside Mary told me I should try not to use negative language when I talk about the alters.”

“That seems unreasonable.”

“Maybe, but you can’t think of them like regular people,” Link explained. “Think of them like aliens. And I’m the space ship. They don’t understand how things work and so they act in ways that seem unacceptable. If we just reason with them and teach them how to behave it will even out.” Christy pursed her lips, still unconvinced. Link tried putting it another way. “If that doesn’t make sense then at least understand why I need to play as nice as possible. They live in my body. I’d rather not add to any preexisting drama.”

“Yeah,” Christy conceded hesitantly. “I guess that’s a good point.”

“I’m still going to wear a step tracker for the next few nights,” Link said. “Just in case, you know? I’m sure Larnold will hold up his side of the deal, but knowing I already lost so much time…it’s scary.”

“I can imagine,” Rhett said with a frown. “At least during the day Christy or I can look out for you.”

 _Don’t say it like that_ , Link thought, but he caught the words before they passed his lips. It was an accurate statement. Link did need looking after when the alters were out. That’s what Rhett had been doing during all of Christmas. His brow furrowed at what a burden he must have been.

“Tomorrow morning I’m going to write a schedule for the month,” Link stated. “Give each alter a little time every week. Hopefully our job won’t get in the way of that.”

“We’ll make it work,” Rhett piped in. “Even if it’s just a lunch break with me, we’ll make sure they get time up front and that everybody stays happy.”

“You know I can’t ask you to do that,” Link said. Rhett shook his head.

“I’ve told you, buddy, the alters are part of you. You’re like my brother. I care about you and I care about them. End of story. Plus, they’re pretty fun to spend time with. They definitely know how to keep things interesting.”

Link cracked a grin.

“And I don’t?” he joked. Rhett returned the smile.

“Nah, we’ve been friends for thirty years. You’re old news.”

Link looked over at Christy who was watching intently as the men bantered back and forth. She seemed to be taking mental notes of their dynamic.

“How’s everything with the others?” Rhett asked, seeming to take no notice of Christy’s avid observation.

“There’s a lot of drama at the moment,” Link grumbled. “Susan and Seaborne are in a major disagreement about when it’s ok to show me the memories they’re hiding.”

“That’s…uh…that’s probably my fault,” Rhett said, scratching the back of his head. “When you stayed at my place I asked Susan to stall for time. I guess that wasn’t the best idea.”

“No, that was the greatest idea,” Link replied sincerely. “It’s nice to know that I’ve still got a few days to relax before I get hit with whatever sledgehammer they have in store.”

“You don’t sound particularly nervous about it,” Christy said. “You’re talking about it with the same tone you use when I ask you to help me with spring cleaning.”

“Worrying isn’t going to make it any better,” Link said. “I’m nervous, sure, but it’s just a memory. Memories can’t be that bad, right?”

“I hope not,” Christy muttered.

“What about the little guy?” Rhett asked.

“Charlie? He’s sort of out of the circle at the moment. He’s trying to avoid the fighting, plus he keeps saying there’s something scary lurking around in my head somewhere.”

“Like a monster? I thought that only happened in movies,” Rhett said.

“We don’t even know if it’s real,” Link explained, his tone still inappropriately nonchalant. “Plus, it’s not like I’m going to start climbing walls or anything. If there is something lurking about I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“You seem really sure about a lot right now,” Christy said. “We just lost almost every family photo thanks to one of the alters and the day before you were certain that couldn’t happen.”

Link wished she would just nod and agree. More than anything he wanted to not have to worry about these things tonight. It was New Year’s Eve. Was it too much to ask to end the year on a happy note?

“We’ll cross those bridges when we get there. How about that?” Link replied. “If it get’s too bad we have Mary’s number. Until then let’s just have fun. Grill some steaks, light some fireworks, the whole shebang.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Christy said, dropping her gaze. “I don’t mean to be so negative. This is all just a lot to think about.”

“We’re still learning,” Link said and kissed the top of Christy’s head. “What do you say we start preparing for tonight? Rhett and I will go pick up the steaks and Jessie will be over in a bit to help you with the sides.”

“Don’t get any big fireworks while you’re out,” Christy told them. “I don’t want Jade to be scared all night. You know how she gets on the Fourth of July.”

“Just sparklers and ground flowers,” Rhett promised. Christy gave Link a peck goodbye and waved the men off as they left for the supermarket.

“So do you think the creepy thing Charlie’s talking about is going to be worse than Larnold? Like all evil and stuff?” Rhett asked in the car. Link gripped the steering wheel tighter and gave him a dark look.

“It’s definitely not going to be worse than me if you say something stupid like that again.”

“I’m just asking!” Rhett replied. Despite Link’s glare, he still seemed to think he was being funny. “I just don’t want you to Shyamalan us all and eat our dogs or something.”

“I’m going to push you into traffic.”

“No you won’t. I’m too handsome.”

The supermarket parking lot was almost completely full when Link pulled in. Link kept an eye open for an empty spot as Rhett gazed toward the hoards flowing in and out of the sliding doors.

“We really need to choose our shopping days more carefully,” he observed. “How do we always end up here when at the busiest times.”

“Same reason they do, I guess,” Link replied, referring to the mass of shoppers. “We’re lazy.”

“I prefer ‘professional procrastinator’.”

“Yeah, no. We’re just bad at planning.”

Thankfully, the meat section was not completely stripped bare by the time the men finally parked and made their way to the far side of the store. Link grabbed steaks and brats and Rhett insisted that they also pick up a new steak rub he had discovered the previous summer.

“When were you grilling without me?” Link asked.

“When my in-laws were over and you were avoiding me like the plague.”

“Oh yeah,” said Link. “Rhett, Jessie is an angle but her parents…I don't know how she came out as great as she did.”

“Yeah, I know,” Rhett said, cocking an eyebrow. “You tell me this every time I talk about them.”

“Am I wrong?”

“Not one bit.”

The two laughed and rolled the cart to the fireworks display near the checkout lines. Unlike the meat, of which the store seemed to have wisely stocked extra, the fireworks were almost completely gone. Link grabbed the last two packs of sparklers and a box of ground snappers for the kids.

“I hope we can make this last most of the night,” Link said, looking over their sparse collection.

“There’s always this,” Rhett said in a childishly devious tone. Link looked up to see him holding a tube with the words _Devil Killer_ printed on the side.

“Did you not hear Christy?” Link asked.

“I did. And I know I promised, but this looks so cool! I also promised we’d get ground flowers but there aren’t any of those left. This can be their replacement.”

“Rhett, what about our dogs?”

“One artillery shell isn’t going to kill them. Come one, please?” Rhett mustered up his best puppy dog pout and Link rolled his eyes.

“Fine. But you get to explain this to the wives.”

Rhett pumped his fist in victory and tossed his bounty into the cart.

“You are a child,” Link chuckled.

“Said the man who actually turns into a child,” Rhett grinned. Link laughed and pushed the cart toward the checkout.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Christy was predictably unhappy about Rhett’s last minute purchase but, thanks to Jessie’s more adventurous influence, she conceded to letting it be their final midnight celebration.

 _Thank goodness for best friends_ , Link thought. It made him happy that Christy and Jessie were so close. They were definitely no Rhett and Link, but they had quickly bonded when they became a part of their husband’s shared lives. Link had worried for a while that their connection existed only out of necessity. With Rhett and Link’s friendship and careers so tightly intertwined the women ended up having to spend a lot of time together. It soon became apparent, however that they genuinely enjoyed one another’s company. Link was glad for that. If these past months had taught him anything, it was that it was important to have friends you could trust.

Rhett cooked the steaks and brats on the charcoal grill in the back yard while Christy and Jessie worked diligently in the kitchen. Link was on child duty and tried all five kids entertained and out of the other adults’ hair. Luckily, video games didn’t discriminate by age. The all cycled through turns playing a cartoony racing game, cheering each other on and pouting over loses.

Once the food was cooked and set up on the back patio, everyone sat down to eat. Pasta salad, mashed potatoes, cornbread, sweet tea were all present to compliment the steaks Rhett had so lovingly prepared. Even though they lived in California, Christy and Jessie never failed to provide the best soul food the south had to offer.

Everyone ate more than their fair share of the meal, another southern tradition, and the adults reclined with aching bellies while the younger boys threw poppers on the ground. Jade and Rhett’s fluffy white maltipoo Barbara yipped happily at the sound of the poppers on the concrete which, of course, just feed the children’s excitement. It was still another hour or two before it would be dark enough to light the sparklers, but Link’s bloated belly didn’t mind having a bit longer to relax. Other than the boy’s laughter and the barking dogs, the evening was relatively quiet. They occasionally heard a few soft bangs off in the distance but even those were barely noticeable.

“Can you imagine how loud it would be like if we were in North Carolina right now?” Rhett asked the others. Jessie laughed.

“God, I hate fireworks season down there,” she said.

“You mean all year?” Link asked.

“You would think that with as strict as the fireworks laws are there people wouldn’t be so foolhardy,” said Christy, taking a sip of her tea.

“Did you just say ‘foolhardy’?” Jessie laughed.

“Do you have a better way of describing it?” Christy retorted. “All I’m saying is that once you get a roman candle shot at you by your brother you never look at them the same way.”

“I hear you there,” Jessie said, raising her sweet tea in a personal toast.

“Blame South Carolina,” Rhett said, his eyes closed and a look of peaceful contentment on his face. One would have thought he’d drifted into sleep if he hadn’t spoken. “It’s a free for all down there and the cops aren’t great at watching the boarder.”

“Speaking of,” Jessie said, “you’d better be careful with that miniature bomb you brought home. We can’t afford to replace Christy’s house if you blow it up because you were too _foolhardy_.”

She shot a playful look at Christy who laughed in return. “This one is going to haunt me for a while, isn’t it?”

“You bet your butt it will,” Jessie replied.

“Dad!” Shepherd and Lando shouted in unison from the yard. Link looked up and Rhett reluctantly opened his eyes.

“Can we do sparklers now?” Lando asked.

“It’s not dark yet, buddy,” Link shouted back.

“It’s almost dark,” Lando persisted. He shook the empty cardboard box in his hands. “We’re outta poppers.”

“Alright,” Link said, standing despite his body’s protests. “Christy, you want to help me get them started?”

“Sure thing. Jessie, make sure no bugs land in my drink.”

“Yeah, ok,” Jessie replied. “I’ll put up a little sign up that says ‘go away’.”

Link and Christy handed out sparklers to each of the kids. With proper rationing, they were able to make the two small boxes last until the sun had set and fireflies decorated the yard with their glow. As the hours passed, Lincoln, Lando, and Shepherd grew too tired to continue the festivities. Christy had had the foresight to make up beds in the living room earlier that day so the three of them could fall asleep together in the same room. The two thirteen year olds muscled through until 11:30 before they both threw in the towel. Lock joined the other boys in the living room and Lily retired to her bedroom upstairs leaving the adults alone under the stars.

The four settled back into their patio chairs to enjoy the quiet and the firefly’s light show over the grass.

“This has been quite a year,” Jessie sighed happily after a long period of peaceful contemplation.

“It’s not quite over yet,” Rhett reminded her. He glanced down at his watch. “There’s about two minutes left. Should we get the last firework out?”

“Let me put the dogs inside, first,” Christy said and ushered the small bundles of fur toward the back door. Barbara followed obediently but Jade ran further back into the yard at Christy’s call. “Jade, come!” Christy commanded. Jade barked defiantly and spun quickly in a circle where she stood as if claiming the spot for her own. Christy rolled her eyes and shut Barbara safely inside the house. “Alright you little turd, but you’re going to regret it in a second.”

“You all ready?” Rhett called from the far side of the patio. Link, Christy, and Jessie gathered at the other side and Rhett looked at his watch.

“Ten!” he yelled. “Nine!”

“Eight!” the others joined in chorus. A sharp pain stabbed Link in the gut. He shouldn’t have eaten that last brat.

“Seven!” Link started to feel light headed. Maybe he should have drank some water in between those sweet teas.

“Six!” His knees became weak. Something was wrong.

“Five!” The shouts no longer seemed to come from beside him but from miles away.

“Four! Three! Two!”

A loud bang. Jade’s scared whimper of a bark. Link gasping for air as his knees his the ground. He thought he heard voices calling his name, but he wasn’t in their world anymore. The holiday was over. Seaborne’s restriction was officially lifted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that California doesn't allow any fireworks that leave the ground but, hey, creative liberties.


	18. The Memory

Christy’s face went white as she watched her husband hit the ground. Link landed on his knees, his upper body curled over himself, his hands tightly grabbing fistfuls of his own hair. Tears streamed down his face. He seemed to have forgotten how to breathe.

“Shit, shit, shit!” Christy fumbled to pull her phone out of her back pocket and tossed it clumsily to Rhett who was just barely able to catch it. “Call Mary. Now.”

“Is she going to be awake?” asked Rhett.

“I don’t give a fuck! Call her until she picks up,” Christy ordered and knelt next to her husband. Rhett sputtered and looked at her phone as if it were some alien technology.

“I don’t know your code,” Rhett said, but Christy didn’t seem to hear him.

“Here,” Jessie offered, rushing to Rhett’s side. She tapped the little numbers on the screen and the phone unlocked. “It’s Link’s birth date in case it locks again. Make the call.”

“Baby…baby you need to breathe. Breathe with me, ok?” Christy said, gently rubbing Link’s back. He shook his head ‘no’ vigorously. His flushed face was smeared with tears, snot, and drool. “Link, you need to breathe. Come on. With me, ok?” She leaned over him and inhaled deeply as she had during his panic attack days before. As soon as the weight of her body touched his back, however, he screamed and pulled away.

“No…no…no…” Link muttered over and over to himself. “Stop…please stop…”

“Ok, I won’t touch. But you need to breathe.”

Link followed her direction the best he could, his inhale broken and rattled. His exhale was just as shaky.

“Good, good,” Christy encouraged. She touched his shoulder instinctively. Link cried out again and she jerked her hand back. “Fuck, ok…” Christy frantically thought of another way to help. “The mantra. What’s that mantra Mary taught you? My name is Link Neal. Say my name is Link Neal.”

“My…my name…my…name…” Link whimpered. The grip on his hair tightened, the strands threatening to break free of his scalp in giant chunks. “I can’t. I can’t say my name. It won’t come out. It won’t come out!”

“You can say you’re name baby. It’s Link Neal. Two little syllables. You can do it. I’m right here with you.”

Link only shook his head. He began to sob. This was some relief to Christy. With each gasp and wail she knew oxygen was flowing through his lungs.

“Mary isn’t picking up,” Rhett said. Christy had almost forgotten he was there. “I called four times.”

“Call again!” Christy ordered. She turned back to Link. “Just say your first name ok? Just say Link. Link…”

 

 

 

 

 

_“Link!”_

_Link was in a kitchen reading a comic strip stuck to the side of a fridge. No, it wasn’t him standing by the fridge. He was looking through the eyes of someone who was. The person was small. Everything looked so high up._

_The floor, the walls, and the counters were all a different shade of beige. The sink was full of dishes and the cheap vinyl floor was blotchy and discolored. Whoever lived here didn’t care much about cleanliness._

_“Link,” the voice called again. Link turned and looked up at a man over twice his height. How was he so big?_

_“How’s my favorite cousin?” the big man asked._

_“I don’t understand the joke,” little Link said. The words came out as if he was repeating the memorized lines of a play._

_“What joke is that, Mister?”_

_“The comic on the fridge. There’s a dad telling a boy that the sun is made of mustard. Why is that funny?”_

_“It’s funny because the dad is tricking his son.”_

 

 

 

 

 

“She’s still not answering,” Rhett said. His hands were shaking. He had never felt so powerless.

“Fine,” Christy said. “Go get him some ice water.”

Rhett instantly obeyed. He needed to fulfill this task. He needed to feel like he was making things better.

Worried by her master’s distress, Jade whined and crawled across the patio to where Link was huddled. She give him a small nudge with her nose licked the back of his hand. Link twisted his body, swinging his elbow out and barely missing the tiny dog. Jade took off running across the yard with her tail between her legs.

“No! Dipper, leave me alone!” Link cried. Christy looked up desperately at Jessie.

“Can you take Jade inside, please?”

Jessie nodded. Christy was glad that she could at least delegate tasks. It gave her a small distraction from the panic that drowned her as she failed over and over to calm her husband. She helplessly watched him shake and cry and mutter to himself. Rhett returned with a glass of water.

 

 

 

 

_“Did you have fun at the pool today?” the big man asked, rubbing the top of Link’s head. Link looked up from the comic that wasn’t funny._

_“Yes.”_

_“Get those trunks off and let’s go shower. That chlorine will make your skin all dry and itchy.”_

_Little Link shuffled his feet. Why was it funny for a dad to trick his son?_

_“Come on, Mister. Your parents are going to pick you up soon.”_

 

 

 

 

“She’s calling back!” Rhett cried, handing the ringing cell phone to Christy. Christy stood and snatched it from him, slamming her thumb against the answer button.

“Mary?” she asked.

“I have seven missed calls. Is Link ok?” Mary didn’t seem at all upset at being called so late at night. Christy could still hear the sleep in Mary’s voice but she didn’t have time to feel guilty for waking her up.

“No. I don’t think so. I don’t know,” Christy stammered. Her whole arm was trembling. She tightened her grip on the phone so that it wouldn’t slip out of her hand.

“Christy, I need you to take a deep breath and tell me what’s going on,” Mary directed. Christy inhaled and felt tears brimming in her eyes.

“Link is…I think he’s having a flash back. He’s shaking and he’s saying things that don’t make sense. He called our dog Dipper. He won’t let me touch him.”

“Can you put me on speaker phone?”

 

 

 

 

_Link plodded to the bathroom. In the short hallway he came upon a large chocolate lab. The dog panted happily and licked Link on the face. Sitting up the dog was almost as tall as he was. Link hugged the lab around his thick neck and the dog wagged his tail vigorously._

_“Good boy, Dipper.”_

_The dog licked Link’s ear._

 

 

 

 

“Link? Link, it’s Mary.”

Christy had turned the volume up all the way on her phone but she could barely hear Mary’s voice over Link’s sobs. She held the phone as close to her husband as she dared hoping that he would be able to hear and respond.

“Link, are you there?”

“He’s bad,” Link said. It was louder than his mumbling but not a frightened shout like his earlier exclamations. He seemed to be responding to Mary’s words. Christy moved the phone a bit closer.

“Who’s bad?”

“Corey. Cousin Corey. He’s bad. He’s bad.”

“Can you tell me where you are?”

 

 

 

 

_“Trousers off, Mister,” the big man said. He was already undressed and the shower water was running. “I told you, it’s shower time. We want to get all cleaned up before Sue and Charles come to pick you up.”_

_The big man stepped into the shower and motioned for Link to follow him._

 

 

 

 

“I think I’m four. Seaborne is saying I’m four.”

“Take me with you Link,” Mary said. “Where are you right now.”

“I can’t be four, I can read the comic. Why is Seaborne showing me the comic? Why does that matter?”

“I’m sure there’s a reason that detail is significant,” Mary said. “The alters have reasons for showing us what they do.”

“Corey…he made touch his…” Link flinched and whimpered as if he had been struck. The memory was pulling away again. “With my mouth. I’m four…”

Link cried out and devolved once again into sobs.

“You’re not four anymore,” Mary said. “You are Link Neal. You are thirty-nine. You aren’t in that place anymore. No one can hurt you.”

“He is,” Link cried. “He is. He’s touching me and looking at me. He’s forcing me to…to…god, why isn’t anyone helping me?”

“I am helping you, Link. Christy is helping you. You are not alone. You are not with the bad man. You are safe and with people who would never ever hurt you.”

“I’m Link Neal,” Link spoke with breaks and catches in his breath.

“How old are you, Link?”

“Not four.”

“No, not four. How old are you?”

“I’m…I’m thirty-nine. My name is Link Neal and I’m thirty-nine years old.”

“Link, very good! Where do you live? Who is with you right now?”

“I’m at my house. I live in California. I live with my wife Christy and my kids and my dog and…and…Rhett and Jessie are here. And their dog.”

“And these are safe people, Link. They would never hurt you. They will always protect you.”

“I’ll always protect you, baby,” Christy echoed. Link jumped and looked up at her as though she had appeared from nowhere.

“Link, it was a terrible thing that man did.” Mary spoke soothingly. “And what he did wasn’t your fault. Not one bit.”

Link’s breathing was slowly but noticeably becoming more steady. Although Mary couldn’t see, he was nodding along with her affirmations.

“He was supposed to take care of you,” Mary went on. “He failed you.”

“This doesn’t feel real,” Link said, sniffing and loosening his grip on his hair. “I’m there but I’m not there. I’m there and I see it and I’m scared but it doesn’t feel like my fear. I feel like I’m channeling a different person’s emotions. It’s like I’m listening to a story about someone else.”

“Well it’s not technically coming from your memory,” Mary explained. “It’s coming from Seaborne or whoever was out front when this happened. They tucked you away inside and took this memory so you wouldn’t have to experience this terrible thing. It makes sense that you would feel disconnected from it.”

Link nodded again and lowered his hands from his head. He used one to steady him on the ground while he attempted to wipe the mess off of his face with the other. Christy sat frozen, wishing she could know whether an attempt to comfort Link would help him or send him spiraling back into panic. But her duty for now was to hold the phone and so that’s what she did.

“Link, Corey was a bad man,” Mary said.

“He always called me his favorite cousin,” Link spoke quietly. His eyes were glazed and his stare went to nowhere. “We have so many cousins. I always wondered what made me the favorite. Was it because of this?”

“It may have been. Abusers use flattery to keep children feeling like their behavior is ok.”

“But he’s a good person. My family loves him. He’s a children’s pastor.” Link’s eyes widened as the realization of his words hit him. “Oh my god, he’s a children’s pastor.”

“I don’t want you to think about that right now,” Mary instructed. “Right now I want you to focus on where you are and who you’re with. Can you do that?”

“I’m Link Neal. I live in Burbank California. I live with my wife Christy and my three kids and my dog.”

“Keep repeating that, Link. I want you to say that over and over until you’re all the way back with us.”

Link nodded, still oblivious to Mary’s inability to see him.

“I’m need to talk to Christy now. Is that ok?”

Nod.

Christy took the phone off speaker and held it up to her ear. Taking a few steps away from Link, she spoke at a low volume as to not disturb him.

“How is he doing?” Mary asked.

“He’s talking,” replied Christy, “and he’s breathing. Both are an improvement from before you called.”

“Good. I know this has to be frightening for you, Christy. I’m glad you called me.”

“I’m just so glad you could help. I’m sorry for calling so late.”

“Don’t apologize. This is what I’m here for. I want to tell you a few things before I let you go. Can I keep you a moment?”

“Absolutely,” Christy said, glancing at the muttering pile on the ground that was Link.

“When someone experiences a repressed memory like this it can take a long time for them to fully recover. Sometimes it takes up to a week. He’s going to be very sensitive for a while. More than anything he’s going to need patience and reassurance. I know that you love Link very much so I know that he’s in good hands.”

“Yes, yes definitely,” said Christy. “I’ll do whatever he needs.”

“Please feel free to call me again if the need arises.”

“Thank you so much, Mary,” Christy said. “You’re our angel.”

“I’m happy I can help. Take care, Christy.”

“You too, Mary. Sleep well.”

Christy hung up the phone and saw that the screen was wet. Wiping her cheek with her sleeve, she realized that silent tears had been trickling down her own face for a while now. She tucked her phone into her back pocket and crouched next to Link again. He was still repeating his mantra but much more quietly now. Christy could barely make out the gentle rumble of his voice.

“Link, baby, it’s me,” she cooed.

Link didn’t look up. He just continued muttering.

“I can’t imagine how you’re feeling but I’m right here with you and I love you so much. I’m not going anywhere, ok? I’m going to take care of you. I know you don’t want to be touched right now, but Rhett brought you some water. Do you think you can drink some?”

She looked up at Rhett who had been standing with the sweating glass in his hand watching the whole interaction with confusion and worry. Jessie was nowhere to be seen. Christy assumed she was inside looking after the children and the pets. At the mention of his name, Rhett quickly handed the cool water to Christy who carefully offered it to Link. Link didn’t look up or respond to the drink in front of him. His muttering seemed more guttural now. Christy furrowed her brow in a moment of confusion and moved the glass a little closer. On accident, her arm brushed against his. She realized as the guttural sound Link was making grew louder in response to the touch that he was not speaking his chat at all. He was growling.

Link back handed the glass out of Christy’s hand and it flew through the air away from them. As the glass shattered on the concrete Link leaped back and crouched on all fours.

“Link…” Christy began and reached toward her husband. He snarled at her approach and she recoiled. After a glance to both Christy and Rhett, he barked.


	19. The Dog on the Hearth

“I told you I saw something,” Charlie pouted. He was visibly shaken and was sitting curled up on Susan’s lap rather than in his normal chair.

“I know sweetie,” said Susan, kissing the top of Charlie’s head. “I’m sorry we didn’t trust you right away.”

Seaborne and Larnold were both silent. Seaborne couldn’t stop glancing at the new addition to the room. I nice throw rug had been placed in front of the hearth to provide a resting place for a large sleeping brown dog.

Link didn’t want to be here. It didn’t want anything to do with any of them. He was laying in bed and staring at the shades that glowed from the sunlight seeping through them. Christy had gotten up a few hours ago but Link hadn’t been able to. If Christy had been upset by his refusal to join the family for breakfast she didn't show it. She just gave Link a kiss on the cheek and said that she’d be up periodically to check on him.

“Do you think it can talk?” Seaborne asked, still looking at the dog.

“I don’t know why you’d expect me to know that,” Larnold replied. “I’m the newest to the group, remember?”

“Well not anymore.”

“We don’t know when he was created,” Susan contradicted. “He could be older than you, Seaborne.”

“No one here is older than me.”

“God,” Susan groaned. “Everything has to be a fight with you.”

Link wished they would all shut up. He wasn’t quite at the ranch house with the others but he wasn’t really in his body either. Instead, he floated in a disassociated limbo where it was apparently impossible to shut out the dialogue in his head.

Parts of last night were foggy. Others were sickinwegly clear. The memory that simultaneously did and did not feel like his own still played softly in the background of his mind. Occasionally his body would spasm or twitch as if trying to shake the thoughts away, but it only resulted in tight, sore muscles.

After his short period as a snarling canine, Link was unceremoniously cast up front once more and had collapsed into Christy’s arms. She cradled him as he cried and Rhett had held Link’s hand in both of his own, an intimate gesture that would have felt awkward and unwelcome in any other situation. In that moment, though, it was a powerful and needed reminder that he was not alone.

At some point the two must have lead him up to bed. He didn’t remember Christy being there when he fell asleep. She probably stayed downstairs to discuss what had happened with Jessie and Rhett. Link wondered what they had said. He’d ruined the whole night. No one would ever admit that to his face, but Link knew it was true. He’d ruined Thanksgiving. He’d almost ruined Christmas. Now he’d ruined New Years with a big, grand kaboom. He was slowly becoming little more than a liability to the ones he loved. How much longer would they put up with it? Link pulled the comforter tighter around hm.

“I feel shitty,” Larnold said, unprompted.

“And what on earth do you have to feel shitty about?” Seaborne asked. He raised a judgmental eyebrow at the bald redneck.

“For calling Link weak. I didn’t…I didn’t realize he was carrying all of this.”

“How did you not realize?” Susan asked. “Why do you think we’re here? For fun?”

“No…” Larnold shrugged. “I just sort of forgot how bad it was. It’s not like I had much to remember, though,” he added quickly. “Trench coat over here took all our memories.”

“I’ve got them locked in a safe in the basement,” Seaborne retorted. “I just don’t want anything slipping out and blindsiding Link.”

“Yeah,” Susan replied sarcastically. “And your plan worked wonders didn’t it?”

“I…er…” Seaborne sputtered. “I didn’t realize it would hit that hard. I haven’t ever released a memory before. It happened so fast…”

“So _maybe_ you’ll listen next time and wait until he’s actually safe and in therapy? Hmm?” said Susan.

“Would you please, please, shut the fuck up,” Link said wearily. “I just want to rest in peace for an hour. Do you think you could keep your mouths shut that long?”

He felt the others shrink back at the harshness of his words. He didn’t care. He wanted them gone. Forever. He didn’t want any of this anymore. They had showed him this memory. Great. They had sent him back in time forced him to live a trauma that he had apparently already experienced. But why? To what end? Other than making him hate himself and his cousin and every member of his family, why did he need to know any of this? There was nothing he could do to change what happened and he wasn’t in any danger of this happening again. This pain was useless. The alters were useless. He wished he could go back to ignorance and forget any of this ever happened.

“Link, I’m sorry…” Seaborne began.

“Don’t.”

Instantly, the space where Seaborne had been present became empty as Seaborne vanished deeper into the headspace. Everyone else went quiet.

Christy walked into the room with a grilled cheese sandwich and some milk. “I thought you’d like some lunch,” she said softly. She set the plate and cup down on the bedside table. Link just stared at it blankly.

“Still feeling worn out from yesterday?” Christy asked, stroking the skin of Link’s upper arm with the back of her fingers. Link grunted in response but leaned into her touch. Christy smiled a bit when she saw that her physical affection was no longer something Link feared.

“Can any of your alters help pull you back up?” she asked.

“I don’t want them messing around with my head anymore.”

“Well then, maybe I can help,” Christy said, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “What’s going on in that head?”

“I don’t believe it,” Link replied.

“Don’t believe what? The memory?”

“None of it makes sense. I don’t remember every knowing a dog named Dipper. I don’t think Corey could even have pets where he lived. And Seaborne keeps saying this happened when I was four but I could read the comic strip on the fridge. Four is too young. What if this was all a lie?”

“I’m not your therapist,” Christy said, “but last night seemed very real from my end.”

“The panic attack was real, yeah, but what if the memory was fake? What if Seaborne was just playing with me?”

“Do you really think he would do that?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I didn’t think Larnold was shady until he threw out all of our stuff. What’s to stop Seaborne from playing mind games, too?” Before Christy could reply, Link reached over and grabbed his cellphone. He typed something furiously and then set it back down.

“What was that?” Christy asked.

“I’m going to set this straight. I messaged my mom and asked her when I learned to read. She’ll say six or something and I can move on.”

“Link…”

“I’ll be fine,” Link said, sitting up so that he could eat his lunch without making a mess. “I just need to rest alone for a while.”

Christy hesitated and then nodded. “Ok. Let me know if you need anything. Just give a shout or text me. I’ll have my phone right by me all day.” She watched Link pick up the plate and take a halfhearted nibble from his sandwich. “I love you.”

Link’s expression softened a bit and he gave Christy’s hand a squeeze. “I love you, too. Thank you for taking care of me.”

“That was unfair to treat Seaborne like that, Link,” Susan said after Christy left. Link tried to ignore her but his stomach churned. The collective upset he felt from the alters was making him feel physically ill.

“Alright,” Link said, setting his sandwich back on the plate and setting it aside. He wasn’t hungry anyway. Everything tasted like sand. “A meeting, then? Let’s have a meeting.” Link allowed himself to fall fully into the headspace. Charlie was still in Susan’s lap, Larnold still looked ashamed, and the dog was still snoozing on the floor. The only difference from what Link had glimpsed before was Seaborne’s absence.

“Is he not coming?” Link asked, motioning to the empty chair.

“Maybe if you apologize,” Susan replied.

“I don’t think I have anything to apologize for.”

“Yeah, but he does. We’re aliens or whatever, remember? He was just doing his job. I know he’s an asshole, but he’s still doing the best he can. Last night he learned what not to do. That will help him be a stronger memory keeper in the future.”

“So we’re still letting him stay in charge of that?” Link asked.

“There are too many memories for any one of us to feel comfortable taking his place. Besides, he’s been storing them and controlling them longer than the rest of us. No matter how bad last night was, it’s still better than we could have done.”

“What about him? Can he do it?” Link asked, nodding toward the fireplace.

“The dog? Link, no, he’s a dog.”

“He can talk, though,” Charlie piped in with a small voice. “He talked to me sometimes in the woods. He’d try to say scary things to make me go away but I don’t get scared.”

“You’re allowed to feel scared, buddy,” Link said. No matter how he felt, he could never be mad at Charlie.

“I know,” Charlie said shrinking further into Susan’s embrace, “but I just don’t get scared.”

“You’re pretty tough, huh?” Link asked.

“Well…maybe I was a little bit scared last night. But only a little.”

“You’re my brave boy,” Susan said, rustling Charlie’s hair.

Link frowned and sighed. He couldn’t hold onto this anger forever. He didn’t hate Charlie or Susan or any of them. This wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Not anyone here, anyway. The one to blame was on the other coast probably living his happy life free of judgment or punishment of any kind. Link’s body jerked again and he pulled his knees to his chest.

“Seaborne,” Link said to the empty chair. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know this job can’t be easy for you. You’ve held on to all this for so long. It’s not your fault the memory broke me down like that. Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way you could have sent that to me gently. That’s not exactly gentle material.”

Seaborne slowly materialized in the chair, testing the waters to make sure it was truly safe to return. When he became fully present, he looked sheepish. Not just him, but everyone was avoiding eye contact. Shame and embarrassment filled the room.

“We all felt what you felt last night,” Larnold said quietly. “It was too strong to stay with just you. We were all there with you even if you didn’t feel us.”

“That actually makes me feel a little better,” Link confessed. “I know it wasn’t a choice for you but it’s nice to know I wasn’t alone.”

“You’ll never be alone,” Seaborne said, an uncharacteristic tenderness in his voice. “I came in when you were just a baby, you know? I took one look at you and thought ‘that is the most handsome baby that was ever born. I’m going to take care of him no matter what’. I’ve tried to live up to that. I know I failed sometimes.”

“You didn’t fail anyone,” Link said. “The adults who were supposed to take care of me failed me. The ones who hurt me and the ones who didn’t listen, they failed me. Not you.”

“Your cousin,” said Seaborne, leaning forward, “he lived in the city when you were a kid. Every summer your parents sent you up to visit him for a week. He always acted like a good guy around everyone. They thought the ‘favorite cousin’ line was cute. You never really felt comfortable going but your mom told you it was rude to be so standoffish. So you went. You never really knew why you didn’t want to go. That was on me. I just couldn’t bare to let you see what he was really doing.”

“I think I remember those visits,” Link said, furrowing his brow. “I remember driving out there, anyway. I hated how long those car rides were.”

“They were only an hour,” Seaborne chuckled, “but that’s a long time to a little kid.” He cleared his throat and went on. “Dipper always made you feel safe. There was a day you were crying in the corner because…well…you were hurt. Dipper came over to comfort you and when Corey tried to come near the dog bit him. I knew that was a big moment for you but,” he looked at the sleeping dog, “apparently it was bigger than I thought. Unless he’s got some memories of his own that I don’t know about.”

“I do,” said the dog. “And I’m not ready to give them to you yet.” Everyone turned and stared. The dog was sitting upright now. His mouth hadn’t opened but his words were spoken as clearly as anyone else’s in the headspace. “I won’t share them, Seaborne, don’t worry. You’ve just got a lot on your plate and it’s going to take some time before you’re ready to sort through these.”

Seaborne nodded, dumbfounded.

“See?” Charlie said. “I told you he could talk.”

“So…you’re Dipper?” Link asked. The dog shook it’s head gently from side to side.

“No. Not quite. My name is Mister.”

“Why were you hiding? Why only show yourself to Charlie all this time?”

“I didn’t think I would be welcome with the rest of you,” Mister said, looking at each alter in turn. “We’re not the same. I only spoke to Charlie to shoo him away. He was the only one who ever found me.”

“Of course you’re welcome here,” Susan said. “We all have to look out for each other. I’d much rather have you here with us than wandering around out there all alone.”

“Me too,” said Charlie.

“We’re a team,” Link said. “We have to be a team. I don’t think it works well for anyone if we do it any other way. We have to trust each other even if it’s hard. Even if some things seem unbelievable.” Link turned to Seaborne who appeared crestfallen. “It’s not that I _don’t_ believe you. I _can’t_. It’s like there’s something blocking my ability to accept that something like this could happen to me.”

“Check your phone, Skip,” Seaborne said, and the house began to fade away.

Link’s awareness floated back to the surface. He looked at where his phone lay next to the now cold sandwich and tapped the home button. The lock screen lit up revealing a text that had been received a few minutes earlier.

[You were an earlier reader. You could read picture books when you were four. We were so proud of you!]

Link’s hand trembled as he picked up the phone and held it closer to his face, making sure he had read the text correctly.

“Fuck!”

Link threw his phone across the room. It landed on the carpet in front of the door where Christy soon appeared, beckoned by his outcry. When she arrived, Link’s fists and jaws were clenched tight and he was breathing heavily through his teeth.

“Baby, what’s…” Christy stooped to pick up the phone. The screen lit up and revealed the message.

“It’s real,” Link said. “It’s real. It’s all fucking real.”

“Oh, sweetie.” Christy walked to the bed and held Link’s head against her chest. At her comforting touch, the tears which Link had been holding back finally released and dampened the front of her blouse. Link’s expression had morphed from anger to shocked disbelief.

“What am I supposed to do?” Link asked. “There’s nothing I can do. I can’t tell my family about this. I have nothing to prove what Cory did except for the voices in my head.”

“We don’t have to tell them anything that you don’t want to,” Christy said, stroking Link’s hair softly. Link continued to ramble.

“No one will believe me,” he said. “They all love him. All of them. They’ll turn against me. I could lose my whole family because of this…this…this monster.”

“Link, sweetie, nobody has to know. If you don’t want to tell your family, we won’t. If you don’t want to visit your family, we won’t. If you never want to have contact with anyone back home again, we won’t.”

“Christy, no one will believe me. I don’t know what to do.” Link put his hand on her arm and tried to move closer only to have her pull away. He blinked and watched as she lowered herself down to his eye level and took his face in both of her hands. The next words she spoke were the most beautiful and powerful Link had ever heard.

“I believe you.”


	20. Epilogue

Link flipped through his notebook idly at the table outside of a street corner cafe. Good Mythical Morning started filming again in a few days and Link wanted Rhett to help him finalize some details about the upcoming episodes. To Link’s irritation, however, Rhett was late. It wasn’t something that happened often, but it wasn’t uncommon enough to make Link worry. It was just annoying. He hated having to wait.

“Hey there, buddyroll,” came a cheery voice from behind him. Rhett strolled out of the cafe with tea and a bagel in hand and sat down in the chair opposite Link. Link regarded his friend with an unimpressed stare.

“Hey there Mr. Thirty Minutes Late,” Link said. “I’ve been here since eight, man. This is my second coffee.”

“That stunts your growth, you know,” Rhett said, taking a bite of his bagel.

“I’m six feet tall. I think I’ll be fine. Where were you?”

“Traffic. Also I forgot to set my alarm.”

“There’s the real answer,” Link said with a laugh. He leaned back in his chair and pushed the notebook toward Rhett. “So, here’s what I’ve got. I’m thinking we should add more musical elements into this season. I’ve got a couple ideas for it but nothing concrete. I just miss writing songs.”

“It has been a while, hasn’t it?” Rhett said, perusing Link’s notes. “Yeah, I definitely think we should work that in.” He swallowed another bite of his bagel and then looked up seriously.

“Hey, so…how have you been doing?” he asked.

“Me?” Link looked confused.

“Plural you,” Rhett clarified. “You haven’t really said much about it lately.”

“Oh. That.” Link took a sip of his coffee. “We’re good I think. Larnold and I are working on building trust again and communication has gotten a lot better with everyone. Susan and Seaborne fight less. Mister and Larnold are almost always together. They go out hunting or something in the woods around the house all the time. Charlie and Lando are becoming really good friends, too. I’m actually starting to get a little jealous. Lando never wants to play with me that much.”

“It sounds like things are a lot better,” Rhett said.

“For now. There’s still more to know apparently but everyone is under agreement that there should be a cooling off period before they show me any more memories. Mary and I have started dedicating every other therapy session to the alters so everyone has a chance to speak. It’s especially helpful because it’s still sort of weird switching around Christy. She’s been amazingly supportive but she still getting used to me being six people in stead of one.”

“Well, five people and a dog.”

“Which, of course, is so much better,” Link chuckled.

“You know the alters can always use me as a sounding board, right?” Rhett said. Link grinned and looked down at his coffee as he swirled it in his hand.

“I’ll remind them. Everyone is pretty embarrassed to front around you or Jessie after…you know.”

“Link, there’s nothing for anyone to be embarrassed about. I’ll tell you a million times if I have to. Best friends stick around and best friends support each other. You’re not going to scare me away.”

“I know,” Link replied. “It’s easy to trust but still hard to believe. I’m sort of getting the hang of this but it’s still overwhelming at times. I don’t want to suck you into that.”

“You’re not sucking me into anything,” Rhett said. “That would imply that you have power over my choice to stay. How arrogant of you.” Rhett leaned back in his chair and chuckled, forcing a smile out of Link as he did.

“Alright, alright,” Link grinned, drinking the last of his coffee in two deep gulps. “Let’s look at work, shall we?”

“You’re really ok, then?” Rhett asked. Link nodded.

“Yeah. As long as I have you and Christy, everything will be fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for coming along this journey with me. What started as a side project to work through my own experiences has turned into something that has inspired me and filled me with hope. Your comments and support have meant so much to me. Thank you.
> 
> If you're interested in meeting my alters I've placed a link about them below. I feel that their voices are just as important as mine so I wanted to give them a chance to share with you as well <3
> 
> http://survivormind.tumblr.com/post/161430402131/allow-me-to-introduce-you-to-my-head-family-d


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